Italians Elect New Prime Minister
By Gino Pasi
For the Capital Times
Yesterday marked a new dawn
for the Italian people and their gov
ernmental system, as Giovanni
Scarlotti, the Christian Democrat
nominee for Prime Minister, was
elected leader of the Mediterranean
country by a sweeping majority.
His party’s win in the Saturday
elections hoisted him to leader
ship within the parliamentary
coalition. Unfortunately his
lengthy term came to an end later
that hour.
Scarlotti was sworn in at exact
ly 12 p.m. Rome time, but twelve
minutes and thirty-three seconds
later, was removed from office in a
vote of no confidence by the Italian
parliament.
The nation mourns the removal
of their beloved leader. One Rome
citizen expressed his sorrow.
“When someone serves as
Prime Minister for as long as
Scarlotti did, one can’t help but
grow attached.”
Due to the short time spans of
Italian Prime Ministers, Scarlotti’s
Penn State Football Stands on Shaky Ground
By Fannie Fair weather
Special to The Capital Times
Next year’s squad of Nittany
Lion gridders faces a threat more
severe than any Big 10 opponent
looming on their schedule.
The gentle lowing of cattle will
replace the raucous cheers that
typically echo throughout Beaver
Stadium each fall.
Structural defects in the recent
additions to the sports complex
have forced university officials to
move the Penn State football pro
gram from its State College home
to PSH.
“The steel that was used to
reinforce the extra seats is impure.
It simply can’t withstand another
year of stress from over 100,000
fans climbing in and out of the
stands every Saturday,” said Fred
Farkle, the foreman who super-
vised the expansion project.
“If something isn’t done soon,
the consequences could be cata
strophic,” Farkle said.
University officials say their
best option is to implode Beaver
Stadium and transplant the foot
ball program. The blast is sched
uled for March 30 at noon.
“We wish there was another
alternative,” said PSU head coach
Joe Patemo during a phone inter
view. “But this really is for the
best. The safety of our players and
fans comes first,” he added.
12 minutes in office broke the
nations all-time record.
The previous record was held
by the Socialist Party’s Salvatore
Santini, who served as leader of
Italy from 12:00:00 p.m.,
November 1, 1957 to 12:11:45
p.m., November 1,1957.
Because of the short time spans,
much significance is placed on the
Prime Minister’s first five minutes
in office.
As head of the country for
twelve minutes, Scarlotti accom
plished more than anyone since
Santini.
During that time, the outgoing
leader sharpened some pencils,
organized some papers on his
desk, called his mother, and was
indicted in a sexual harassment
case by three of his office secre
taries.
“I have a weakness for blonde
haired Swedish girls.” Scarlotti
replied. “What can I say?”
Although stripped of most
duties, the Prime Minister will
serve until elections can be held
later Thursday afternoon.
“We’ll always have Penn
State pride no matter where our
stadium is. We’re a good team,
and we’ll survive this. It’s just a
bump in the road.”
The relocation committee
explored several venues before
settling on PSH. The group said
the school’s proximity to the
state’s major population centers
and to Harrisburg International
Airport made it the ideal home for
the new Happy Valley. The
amount of land available is also a
major asset.
“Penn State Harrisburg has
always wanted to expand to a
four-year institution and this
offers the perfect opportunity,”
said a spokesman for the provost.
“This will definitely increase
our enrollment and create a much
more spirited community for our
students. Now I think we will
finally have the unity we’ve
always lacked in the past,” the
spokesman added.
Middletown’s mayor was
unavailable for comment before
press deadline, but his top aid,
Harley Bargus, spoke enthusiasti
cally about the change.
“Penn State football is exactly
what we need to revitalize our
community, and the entire area.
The money from tourism alone
will give Central Pennsylvania’s
economy an incredible boost each
Lost Books Found; Scandal Averted
By Ernestine Erstwhile
Special to the Capital Times
It could have been a black
mark on the pristine new
library’s reputation. Fortunately,
the apparent disaster resolved
itself at the same time the cover
up of the incident was discovered
earlier this week.
According to a staff person,
who spoke on promise of
anonymity, the disaster was the
loss of one of the library’s rarest
journal collections.
“Libraries pride themselves
on never misplacing things,”
Mary Cozen, Criminal Justice
Major commented on hearing of
the incident.
“PSH hired the most respected
book movers in the country. How
could this have happend?” she
added.
It seems that after the hun
dreds of thousands of books,
periodicals, journals, microfilm
and documents were accounted
for following the move, it was
discovered that the entire collec
tion of the Journals of
PSH has scheduled a full slate
of renovations to accommodate
the players and coaches when
they arrive in mid-July for spring
training camp.
The basement of Olmsted,
which formerly housed The
Lion’s Den, will now hold a state
of-the art weight room and track,
and separate facilities for
whirlpools and training rooms.
A theater to be used for view
ing practice and game films is
included in the blueprints.
Architects have also devised
plans for an in-house clinic and
equipment storage room to occu
py the remaining space.
The Sunburst, a local bar near
PSH, will provide the players’
meals during all training camps
and the regular season.
The new apartment-style hous
ing originally slated as dorms for
graduate students and members of
the honors program will instead
be used as fraternity houses for
die players.
With hopes running high for
the Lions’ success in the new
home, many other sports pro
grams are planning to follow the
football team’s lead and move to
PSH. The basketball squad will
likely lead the way.
The former stadium site will
now be used as a pasture.
Legerdemain had disappeared.
“Everything had gone so well,
it broke our hearts for something
like this to happen,” the anony
mous staff person lamented, “We
couldn’t bear to break the news
to Dr. Shill.”
The cover up was a product of
the staff’s desire to spare the
director.
“Only two of us knew,” the
staff person confessed, “Usually
only one or two students a year
ask for copies of the journal; we
were frantically looking every
chance we got while hoping no
one would notice they were
missing.”
The books began reappearing
shortly after the annual meeting
of the PSH Magicians Club on
March 15.
“They started turning up
everywhere - and in the oddest
places,” the staff person report
ed.
One was found in a graduate
study carrel. Another fell from a
second floor light fixture during
routine dusting by the janitorial
The 1965 journal has been
listed as a factor in the recent
library elevator malfunctions.
According to an elevator
maintenance company spoke
man, the book was blocking a
sensor that trips when the eleva
tor is in line with the door open
ing.
In the oddest of the reappear
ances, the 1952 Journal was dis
covered in the coat sleeve of a
librarian as she prepared to leave
work.
The librarian was adamant, “I
swear it wasn't there when I hung
the coat up this morning!”
In what may be the biggest
clue in the mystery of the miss
ing journals, the 1998 journal
was discovered on the library
shelf beside the recently pub
lished book “Famous April
Fools’ Jokes.”
A spokesperson for the cam
pus police announced that since
all journals have been recovered,
no charges will be filed against
the cover-up conspirators.