By Marian Winik
Special to The Capita! Times
Welcome to the Butt
Assessment Test (BAT)!
While factors such as person
ality, intelligence, education, and
work experience are all impor
tant to a woman's self-esteem
and prospects, these indicators
are secondary compared to the
importance of her butt size.
Even the most brilliant, kind
ly, accomplished and beautiful
woman can find herself living in
the Seventh Circle of Hell if her
butt is too big.
And how do you know? I
mean, once in a while you end up
in a department store dressing
room with fluorescent lights and
the three-way mirror and you see
to your shock that a hideous alien
life form is now posing as one of
your body parts.
Fortunately, this is rare. Most
of the time, your butt is in your
head, and that is why psycholo
gists have at last provided an
assessment tool in this critical
While a written test like the
BAT cannot determine the actu
al, i.e., “physical,” size of your
butt, studies have shown that
physical reality is far less impor
tant than delusional projections
when evaluating the effect of
BBS (Big Butt Syndrome) on a
woman's daily life.
The BAT is designed to mea
sure how big you think your butt
is, and how neurotic you have
become about it. And it's fun!
Multiple Choice Section
1. The best thing about my butt
a. It looks so good in a thong.
b. Guys are crazy for it.
c. It is comfortable to sit on.
d. It is in a place where I
rarely see it.
2. When I was a child, people
made fun of my:
a. little sister
b. lunch box
c. beautiful red hair
d. butt
3. The most serious obstacle to
my personal happiness is:
a. my boring job.
b. my abusive partner.
c. my drug and/or alcohol
addiction.
d. my butt.
4. It is said that some men prefer
women with big butts. This is:
Ass’essment Test
a. irrelevant.
b. a pipe dream.
c. true only in Third World
countries
d. proof of the existence of a
benevolent God.
5. Which of the following is best
for minimizing the appearance of
your butt at the beach?
a. a bathing suit with a
French-cut leg
b. a striped suit with a belt at
the waist
c. a frilly skirt over the hips
d. no one will know if you
don't take off the giant t-shirt
6. The best exercise for your butt
a. leg lifts
b. stairmaster
c. arm circles
d. stuffing it into jeans that are
too small.
7. A large butt has been directly
linked to:
a. a highly sensual nature.
b. ease of childbirth.
c. unusual intelligence.
d. Pop-Tart consumption.
8. Liposuction is:
a. dangerous,
b. expensive.
c. vain.
d. always a possibility.
9. One of the most unfair aspects
of the disparity between the
sexes is:
a. Men are paid more for the
same work.
b. Men don't menstruate or
bear children.
c. Men control virtually all
aspects of government and busi
ness.
d. Even totally out-of-shape
men rarely have big butts.
10. I absolutely hate women
who:
a. sleep with other women’s
husbands.
b. sell our national secrets to
enemy countries.
c. cut in line at the grocery
d. have high, well-muscled,
cellulite-free butts.
Analogy Section
11. Good. Evil: Claudia Schiffer's
butt:
a. O.J. Simpson's glove
b. Bob Dole's neck
c. Medusa's hair
d. my butt
True and False Section
12. At least my butt is smooth
and unblemished.
13. At least my butt looks good
in a pair of jeans.
14. At least my butt is not the
size of a Chevy Suburban.
15. At least my butt is not
responsible for the many prob
lems of the world.
Scoring
Score one point for each “d”
and each “False” answer you
0-5 points
Okay, so your butt is fine.
What about your thighs? Your
stomach? Surely there is some
unsightly part of your anatomy
you can obsess on!
6-10 points
Your butt-image is something
of a problem. Have a friend take
a Polaroid shot of you from the
back naked. This will either put
your fears to rest or send you to
the bathtub with a razor blade.
11+ points
Your gargantuan butt is ruin
ing your life. But you knew that
already.
From Our
Readers
famiCy c l(ian(q>
Editor:
The article in the Oct. 6,
1999 edition of The Capital
Times was a wonderful trib-
ute to our precious son,
Michael.
His presence and so many
cherished memories will
remain in our hearts forever.
We shall long remember your
kindness in the hour of our
sorrow.
Leslie Kermick brought a
framed copy of her lovely
poem to Michael’s father and
I. It is in our family room
where we spend a lot of time.
With sincere gratitude,
Alvin, Marie and
John Hemer
Nov. 1, 1999
Glad I Found You
I saw you across a crowded
room. Among all the others that
were there, the lights seemed to
shine down on you alone. I knew
then I had to have you for my
own.
Willingly, you came with me
to my home. I carried you from
the car and through the door.
Looking at you, I admire your
body, your well shaped legs, and
breasts.
Slowly I remove what wraps,
around your body so tighly, fit
ting you like a glove, exposing
your tender white skin. From
your neck I remove your charms,
and carry you off in my arms, to
the warm water that awaits.
The water cascades down
your neck, flowing over your
soft breasts then, making your
legs glisten with wetness.
Droplets of water cover your taut
skin.
My hands rub your body,
ummmm, running them through
the beads of water, making them
trickle down off your body.
I place my fingers inside you.
You are warm and moist, so
ready.
I carry your still dripping
body, to a laying place, so that I
An object in possession seldom retains
the same charm that it had in pursuit
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COMMENTARY
can put inside you what was well
prepared to enter you before we
even came through the door.
As soon as I lay you down
your legs spread open wide. You
are ready now and so am I.
Slowly at first I put a little in,
getting a feel for how much you
can take in.
I put in more; you take it will
ingly. In anticipation, faster and
faster I put it in, pushing it in
deeply as far as I can, until I
can’t put any more in. You are so
tight.
With your legs wrapped tight
ly, not wanting to release any of
it, I make you so hot for a very
long time, until your sweet juices
escape from within.
Then I taste you, with my
tongue at first, your skin is so
soft and tender. I taste more of
you with my mouth. You are so
hot and moist; you taste so good.
Your juices coating my
mouth, making me drool in
anticipation of eating you more,
with every taste.
“Oh yes,” I say to you, “I must
say grace.”
“Thank God for Butterball
turkey. Amen.”
Pliny the Younger