The Capital Times
Did you ever know that we're your heroes?
By Crispin Sartwell
Adviser
and Dan Zehr
Editor
Humbly, we offer ourselves to a world hun
gry for heroes. It has been said that there are
no heroes in our postmodern age. Instead of
simply whining about this like so many oth
ers, we are doing something about it. Admir
ing and emulating us will bring meaning to
your tiny, empty lives.
What makes us heroes for a postmodern
age?
It’s not because of our ethics (we haven’t
got any); it’s not because of our IQs (though
we have always disputed the diagnosis of
“retardation”). It’s because we are media
savvy, incredibly svelte even though we eat
creatine, and ordinarily opposed to children
being blown up by land mines. We have buns
of steel and principles of plastic.
Some folks, caught in an era of moral rela
tivism, go postal. We’re going papal. Here’s
the bull.
Remember the true meaning of Veterans Day
By Rick Dietz
For the Cap Times
In case you missed it, Nov. 11 was Veter
ans Day. For some, this is a welcomed break
from their work week; for others it was just
another day. But how many people really take
the time to reflect on the meaning of this day?
When you say the word veteran, some
people think of the doughboy who lived in
mud and inhaled mustard gas during WWI.
Others may have History Channel visions of
the GI fighting his way onto Omaha beach
on D-Day, the turning point of WWII.
When you mention the Korean War, the
most anyone can tell you about it is that it
was the backdrop for the hit TV series
M*A*S*H. Vietnam was a poorly supported
war that finds its veterans in a seemingly
endless search for well-deserved recognition
and praise.
And of course, who can forget the more
popular skirmishes since then: Grenada,
Athletes should be held accountable for their actions
Continued from page 10
heck take it. So, I am not blaming it on the
whole money issue. But what I am saying is
with the allotment of money there must come
responsibility. And the majority of today’s pro
athletes do not realize that at all, and that is
where the problem is. Now when we add that
to the stupidity of Leonard Little, the result
is the death of Susan Gutweiler.
Little who is now charged with involun
tary manslaughter, a charge rightly given only
faces up to four years in jail under sentenc-
OPINION/EDITORIAL Monday, November 16,1998 ll
Courageously, we favor education and fam
ily values for you, cocaine and casual sex for
ourselves. We will not be silenced in our op
position to death, disease and famine. We are
deeply opposed to kiddie pom, Stalinism, and
vehicular homicide. Though the whole world
may disagree with us, we say this: taxes are
too high and incomes are too low.
We will fight for you until it becomes in
convenient to do so.
We probably cannot be bought.
You can believe us, because we’re some
times right and we rarely lie.
George Washington, Thomas Jefferson,
Alexander Hamilton: they were great heroes,
leaders, men of character. They were heroes
for their time, but not for ours. Can you imag
ine the great Katie Couric in a powdered wig
and wooden teeth? And besides, it turns out
that Jefferson was having children with Sally
Strothers: heroic, perhaps, but hardly “sexy”
in a contemporaiy, pornographic sense.
“I didn’t really have the polling numbers
at the turn of the 18th century,” Jefferson told
Larry King, who has wooden hair and pow-
This Veterans Day, like all the others, I remembered a
friend. Patrick Moore was my roommate in flight
school. There is not enough space here for me to convey
what a great friend Pat was... On Feb. 24,1991,1
watched Pat’s helicopter plow into a sand dune.
Desert Storm and Somalia. Yes, these are the
images that come to mind when we think of
veterans.
This Veterans Day, like all the others, I re
membered a friend. Patrick Moore was my
roommate in flight school. While the Army
taught us to fly OH-58 Scout helicopters, Pat
was always there for me when I needed help
studying. There is not enough space here for
me to convey what a great friend Pat was;
let’s just say I would have taken a bullet for
the guy.
We were in the same unit when we were
deployed for Desert Shield/Storm, and I re-
ing guidelines. Though we all know if it had
been you or I, we’d be facing a lot longer
time in jail. But as we have witnessed with
the O.J. Simpson trial and many others, if you
are famous and have lots of money, you can
either walk or get a slap on the wrist.
It is disgusting at how our justice system
works, becasue for us as Americans it is sup
posed to be the one thing we can take pride
in and put our trust in. But just as we have
seen psychos like O.J. get off easy, it’s no
surprise that we’ll see idiots like Little just
get sent to the comer for a timeout.
dered teeth. “The hairpiece and Bill of Rights
thing worked for a while. But how was I to
know by 1801 people would be more into
the lambada?”
We don’t wear wigs, yet we’re not afraid
to powder our hair. We fear nothing, in fact,
except what we perceive to be dangerous.
We have television experience. We’ve ap
peared on the 7-Eleven security monitors at
3 a.m. And we looked damn good to our
selves, despite the Slurpee mustache and 15
camera-added pounds.
We will believe whatever the polling num
bers indicate you want us to believe, as long
as it is not threatening to us, and we will be
lieve it with apparent sincerity. Tell us that
new Coke was better than Classic Coke. Tell
us that Marilyn Manson and Luciano
Pavarotti are the same person (you never see
them together!) Tell us whatever you want
to tell us and together we will go fearlessly
forward to a thrilling new tomorrow.
We are boldly thumbing a free ride to the
new frontier of the 21st century. We’ve got
the demographics. We’ve got the focus
member his enthusiasm as we left on our first
mission. On Feb. 24, 1991,1 watched Pat’s
helicopter plow into a sand dune. He left be
hind a wife and a 3-month-old daughter.
Cliff Wolcott is another name I remember.
Although I didn’t know him, I will never for
get the image of him as Somali citizens
dragged his burnt, mutilated body through the
streets. Cliff also left behind a wife and child.
These men are not the only ones we should
keep in mind on Veterans Day. We must not
forget those who, at this very moment, are
serving in our armed services.
Right now there are thousands of men and
And to top it off, Little’s teammates wore
his jersey number, 57, on their wristbands the
game after the accident. What they should
have done was wore the name of Susan
Gutweiler on their jerseys. It is her death
that brings my anger to the forefront.
It is time for our professional athletes to
realize the responsibility they have, whether
they like it or not. They need to sit down with
the greats who have realized it, like Michael
Jordan, Joe Montanna, Cal Ripken, Jr, and
Mike Singletary. Those players have realized
that with great power and money comes great
groups. We’ve got the celebrity spokesmodels
we need to take us into a glorious new Ameri-
can millennium.
We even have a plan to deal with the Y2K
problem: we like to call it “deferring to the
experts.” It is the same basic strategy that
“Honest Abe” used to hold together a rup
tured spleen.
We digitally sample the ideals of our fore
fathers. We are dedicated to the proposition
that all men are created equal, but not in an
extreme way. We will gallantly hoist the flag
above the sands of Iwo Jima. We will sun
bathe on the shores of Tripoli. We will mar
ket Tagamet and Turns in the Halls of
Monteczuma.
We will be all we can safely be. More im
portantly, we’ll be all you want us to be.
Follow us, if you dare, for we are men of
character, men of values, men who march
forward with you like lemmings into our glo
rious future, men whose names are synony
mous with sex. We are billboards. We are
sitcoms. We are the affable hosts of this
week’s webcast. We are the world.
women at work maintaining the sovereignty
of this nation. They are in the Army, Marine
Corps, Navy, Air Force and Coast Guard.
Some of them are in the active service; oth
ers are in the National Guard or Reserves.
All of them volunteered to serve this country
and keep it safe. They wake up early, they go
to bed late and some do it for less money than
they could have made flipping burgers!
Let’s not take this day for granted anymore.
There are too many people who work hard
or have paid the ultimate price for us to treat
Veterans Day as if it were just another ink
blot on our calendar. Take just a few seconds
to show your gratitude.
You may know someone who has served
our country. In fact, that person may be sit
ting in your class right now. Although it may
sound corny, walk up to that person and say,
“thank you” for the time they spent protect
ing America and its interests. You might be
surprised at just how heart warming those two
words will be.
responsibility, to their families, friends, em
ployers, publics and to themselves.
I don’t care if Little gets locked away for
ever, but I do care if all he gets is a few years.
Because what kind of message does that send
to those watching and desiring to be a pro
athlete? Whether they want to be role mod
els or not, they are. It’s a shame, but they are.
Will we ever see the end of athletes being
paid enormous amounts of money? No. Will
we ever see professional athletes take respon
sibility? I hope so, but it doesn’t seem likely.