I Waiiil3 &To mi
"Outcomes-based parenting"
by Crispin Sartwell
As we raise our children, we
must always keep in mind our
goal: achieving excellence in the
global economy of the twenty-first
century. There is a reason that
political, business, and educa
tional leaders, like wind-up dolls,
keep repeating this phrase: "glo
bal economy of the twenty-first
century; global economy of the
twenty-first century; global
economy of the twenty-first cen
tury." The reason is that some mad
scientist or spin doctor has re
moved their tiny brains.
Nevertheless, our children must
achieve excellence in the global
economy of the twenty-first cen
tury. They must not achieve me
diocrity, or even incredible bad
ness, but rather excellence. Many
people oppose excellence, but I
am courageous enough to assert
that excellence is better
than stuff that is not as good as
excellence. I don't care who dis
agrees with me on this. I am a man
of conviction, and I have never
shrunk from controversy.
These concepts, "excellence,"
"productivity," "global economy
4 r LEADING St LEARNING: STRIKING A BALANCE st .
LEADERSHIP '9B MINI WORKSHOP
Mr. Angel Aponte, student leader, Penn State Abington
Ms. Gail Feldman, Manager, Carlisle Theater
Ms. Barb Skelly, Director, Broad Street Market
Ms. Gayle Leader, Assistant Director, Department of Environmental Protection
Dr. William Zimmerman, Director of Student Affairs, Penn State Schuylkill
of the twenty-first century," are the
guidelines by which I raise my chil
dren. We used to talk about "nur
turing," "love," "discipline." But
these are quaint, outdated concepts
from the twentieth century. We need
to get our kids up and running in the
global economy of the twenty-first
century. Whenever my son Sam,
who's in kindergarten, wants to do
something, whether it's watch
Looney Tunes or ride his bike, I ask
him: "How will this impact vis-a-vis
the global economy?"
Sam needs to realize that he is
competing with kindergartners in
Burundi, Qatar, and Kazakhstan to
see who is the most excellent kin
dergartner in the global economy of
the twenty-first century. Kindergart
ners want to play, and yet play like
drugs and poverty and crime—re
duces a kindergartner's competitive
ness. What we need is more stan
dardized tests for kindergartners. In
fact, kindergartners should them
selves be standardized so that they
can take their place among the reli
able electronic components in the
competitive climate of the global
economy of the twenty-first century.
I call my approach "outcomes
based parenting." I never think at
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OPINION I tikil
all about what's happening at any
given moment; I care only about the
final result: an adult ready to take
his place in the global etc.
The most important thing
is accountability. That is why,
"Many people
oppose excellence,
but I am
courageous enough
to assert that
excellence is better
than stuff that is
not as good as
excellence."
whether he is taking a bath or taking
a whack at his sister, my son is al
ways also taking a test. I have de
veloped the most reliable assessment
instruments for childhood, testing
everything from interne literacy to
media saturation. This way I can
hold my son accountable at all times,
and I, as a parent, can be held ac
countable at all times by the federal
lovernment.
- the future of child care?
Let me describe some of the inno
vative, forward-looking features of
outcomes-based parenting. When
ever my standardized assessment
instruments show that Sam is not
competitive, I have him spray-paint
"I am a stakeholder in tomorrow" a
hundred times on the concrete abut
ments in our neighborhood. This
teaches him a valuable piece of
gobbledygook and also humiliates
him publicly, one of the key strate
gies of outcomes-based parenting.
If my kid wants to relax or play
silly games I get up in his face and
scream: "get competitive in the glo
bal marketplace of the twenty-first
century, you less-than-productive
brat!" This helps my child to achieve
excellence, and every child must
achieve excellence. We cannot af
ford to leave a single child behind
in the twentieth century as we enter
the twenty-first century of tomorrow.
It is often hard to motivate kinder
gartners. Showing them that learn
ing is fun, for example, is completely
counterproductive. But berating
them for their lack of competitive
ness in the global economy of the
twenty-first century works every
time. When my son wants to take a
nap, I simply badger him with the
Mini Workshop Presenters:
Ms. Stella Marie Keane, Assistant. Manager of Recruitment/Training and Development,
Woolworth Corporation—" Work Teams in the Land of Oz, The Community & Penn
State Harrisburg"
Ms. Susan Shapiro, author, consultant and trainer on issues of Health & Wellness and
Conflict and Communication—" Guide Through the Labyrinth of Conflict Management"
Ms. Nancy Kartick, Director of the Penn State Harrisburg Downtown Centers,
"Benefits of Doing Lunch"
Thursday, January 22, 1998 -
- 1:30 p.m.
Luncheon Speaker
following imperative: "Grow the
economy."
We need to think of our children
as products we are churning out into
the global economy of the twenty
first century. They should be better
than the competitor's products.
They should be just-in-time. Their
excellence should be excellent, their
competitiveness competitive, their
productivity productive.
The most important aspect of out
comes-based parenting in the global
economy of the twenty-first century
is technology. Parenting has been
performed by human beings for far
too long. Technology is more effi
cient and, just as importantly, more
expensive.
After a long day of outcomes
based parenting, when we've said
our prayers and swallowed our
Ritalin, Sam and I rock ourselves to
sleep in our respective cubicles,
chanting "infrastructure, informa
tion, Albert Gore; infrastructure, in
formation, Albert Gore."
Crispin Sartwell is Visiting Asso
ciate Professor of Humanities and
Philosophy. A version of this piece
first appeared in the Philadelphia
In s uirer.