6 / FEATURES N ov ember
CITAL TIMES
15, /993
An unscientific observation of life and the weather
Dave Boyer
Capital Times Columnist
In this world there are many types of
situations. The weather, is a good
example of this. It can be, at any time,
a combination of different temperatures
and precipitations.
Of course, a few combinations would
be hard to imagine: Snow and 95
degrees would probably get a mention
on the national news.
Of all the possibilities, least popular,
at least in my opinion, is cold and
rainy. First you have the cold. You
can always try to stay warm, but the
rain makes that tough. Because once
you're wet, staying warm is just a
memory.
So, to sum it all up, cold and wet are
The last great quest:
Michael David Winter
Capital Times Columnist
Just when we thought there were no
more worlds to conquer, barring outer
space, it has suddenly come to our
attention that there is someplace on
earth we have yet to find. Four places
really. The Four Corners of the Globe.
Incredible as it seems, particularly in
a world as well explored as our own, no
one has ever bothered searching for the
Four Corners. Quests for such silly
things as the Holy Grail, the Fountain
of Youth and El Dorado are
commonplace, but something as often
mentioned as the Four Corners gets
ignored. Until now.
The decision to find the Four Corners
was easily arrived at. Basically, a group
of us were sitting around one night,
trying to find some way in which to
revive the enthusiasm and fervor of
bygone eras--when people were actually
excited about the great doings of the
world (in fact, when there were great
d&ngs in the world). In between hands,
we naturally mentioned Perry and
Lindbergh; however, we could come up
with nothing that would match their
feats in the eyes of our jaded society.
That's when George--Crazy George
we call him (we occasionally have to
stop him from jumping out a window
Natural diversity
STARKEY, from page 5
world? The first heart operation was
performed by a black man? Alexander
the Great was homosexual?
The big deal is we have lost our
perspective, we stand in the forest of our
lives and are blinded by our inner view
of ourselves. "What tree?"
The interconnections that make up the
modern world should enhance the life of
each of our lives. Think for a moment
about the things we use/consume/enjoy
every day--simple stuff like food for
instance.
Munch a bunch of corn chips and
remember we got maize from the folks
that lived here when our ancestors
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two things you don't want together.
Now, there are basically two
situations, with each having two
extremes, in something we call the
human condition.
First, you can be rich or poor. Let's
define terms: If you're not rich, you're
poor. It seems there would be an
argument for a middle class. No Mr.
President ... no such thing. If you're
working for a living, you're poor.
If you don't have to work and you
vacation in France, own more than 4
cars (that run), have a reason to know
the difference between mink and sable,
had an affair with someone in the
Monaco royal family, and your stock
broker refers to you as, "the reason my
kids can go to Brandeis," then you are
well-off.
when he wants to prove that the Law of
Gravity doesn't apply to him since he's
never studied law)--said, "Well, why
don't we just look for something that
nobody's ever found?"
At this point, we all started throwing
our pretzels and popcorn at him,
threatening to make him play out the
rest of the hand in his straitjacket.
Then it hit me. First I thought it was
just a ricochet off of George, but I
quickly realized that it was an idea.
"Hey, guys," I said. I had to say it
several times because they were still
shouting and throwing things at
George. I finally got their attention
when I pulled out my .45 and said,
"Gentlemen, please," (I have always
believed that you can get further with a
kind word and a gun than you can with
a kind word alone). After brushing the
plaster off the table and ourselves (I've
got to get that safety fixed), I told
them," George is right."
There was a tense moment when they
were all going to start throwing things
at me, but it quickly passed as they
realized that my gun was still out and I
had just put two holes into an innocent
ceiling. After explaining how we
couldn't do anything in outer space
arrived. Slurp down a hot cup of coffee
that was a gift from our friends in South
America, or in my case a mug of cocoa,
a delicious concoction of the ancient
south and central Americans. Step out
for spaghetti and the Chinese send their
best via the Italians--all these great
"American" standards.
To see ourselves as others becomes
more operative with the passage of each
technoday. The visions of foreign
cultures are readily accessible from our
potato command center.
Better yet, why not save up some
dinero--oops, dang foreign word!--and
travel about a bit. And YEW see
America first! There are places right
here in the good ole U.S. of A. that
would amaze you!
CATHOLIC STUDENTS
Seven Sorrows
B.V.M. Church,
Race and Conewago Streets
SATURDAY EVENING: 5:30 P.M. .
SUNDAY MORNING 7:30, 9:30, 11:30 A.M.
A Priest is available to students
on campus by calling,
Father Dalessandro at 237-0431
Second, you can be young or old.
No middle ground here either ... one or
the other. If any joints in your body
crack and pop more than three times
while you're trying to get out of bed in
the morning, you're old.
Now for the combinations. First off,
you could be rich and young. Add
good-looking to this and you're home
free. Good deal! You can even be
stupid, and if you are young enough and
rich enough you can still pull off being
somewhat socially acceptable.
Now, you could be young and poor.
Not a bad deal - you have time for
improvement. You've got
POTENTIAL. Whether you ever pull
your life together, or spend the rest of
your days wondering if you'll ever
catalog every single subliminal
Searching for the final frontier
because the Tang Racing Team (aka
NASA) has a lock on that sort of thing,
I filled them in on what we could look
for right here. That was when we came
up with the plan that I'm about to tell
you.
The Four Corners of the Globe may
be seen as mythical, but since the term
is still in common parlance, I tend to
believe they do exist. The same thing
may be said about heaven and hell, but
that's why God made the clergy (not
stepping on toes is difficult when
you're in our sort of business). The
first problem is figuring out where we
should look in the first place. The fact
that the Earth is a sphere is part of what
will make this such a difficult, yet
interesting hunt. Where on a sphere
would you find a corner? lam inclined
to start with the Himalayas. They are
big and kind of pointy, and if I were a
corner of the world, the Himalayas are
the corner I would want to be.
Knowing where we want to start, we
now need to figure out our next stop. I
say we go to Paris, for lunch if nothing
else. A relaxed dejeuner is just the
thing to get the brain humming over
the problem of finding the next corner.
Rome would be an obvious place to
look--being the crossroads of the world
at one time, and where there are
crossroads, there are sure to be corners.
Unfortunately, I am not allowed back
into Italy since the last time I was there
two Popes died (God's truth--pardon the
pun). So how can we find that next
corner?
Here is where we are going to need
sponsorship--just like Columbus.
Sadly, the king and queen of Spain don't
get around much anymore, so we are
going to have to look to the next best
thing--multinational corporations (you
try getting a grant from the
government). The type of resources
that we need indicate that joining up
with the Tang Racing 'Team might be
•••••• • • • • • •
•
Masses are •
celebrated :
each weekend
at: •
"MY FREE TIM
_ L _L E
R'EALLY PAYS IiFF"
w WORKING FOR STUDENTS WHO WORK FOR US.
ups
,
message you found in Gilligan's Island
rebroadcasts, you will still be the envy
of the next group.
God help you, you could be old,
which sucks, but what can you do? If
you're old and rich, you're doing well.
At least you're not eating meatless
Hamburger Helper and panhandling for
money to have a sex change operation
to finalize your true identity as the
reincarnation of Josephine Bonaparte.
Which is net to say that you
automatically lose your mind just be
cause you can remember when the
ticket price for a movie was less than
the current price of a postage stamp.
But now for the worst case. (If you
haven't noticed, these things are in
order.) You can be old and poor. Bad
deal. Go ahead, kiss the burden of
helpful, but there is always the
possibility that we will get put into the
position of pit crew--just because we're
not astrophysicists. Sure, serving
mankind is a good thing, but we want
recognition.
Once we get the money, we are going
to have to spend it. That is the easy
part. No, you don't need to know
precisely what we are going to do--if we
said it here, then suddenly everyone
would be looking for the damn corners.
INTERNSHIPS FOR MAJORS
IN ACCOUNTING AND
COMPUTER SCIENCE
The Commonwealth of Pennsylvania is accepting application
or Accounting and Computer Systems Interns.
Benefits:
Competitive Salary
College Credit
Valuable Experience
Eligibility for placement into full time position after graduation
0 ualifications
uniors enrolled in Bachelor's degree program in Accounting and
-ophmores enrolled in a Bachelor's degree program in Computer
.cience are encouraged to apply. Pennsylvania residency is required
How To Apply
For application materials
Benito Martinez/Steve Lazur
Division of Recruitment
tate Civil Service Commission
P.O. Box 569
Harrisburg, PA 17108
(717) 787-6127
Applications must be submitted postmarked on or before
December 17, 1993.
The Commonwealth Is An Equal Opportunity Employer
UPS EIEUVERS EDUCATYOM
reality goodbye. Think of it as another
childhood, only this time with a
pension. And you never know, you
could always get lucky and win that
lawsuit you have against Monty Hall
for those unfair questions he asked you
on that 1-900 LET'S MAKE A DEAL
call-in game.
Yes, old and poor is a bad situation.
so you might as well play the lottery
and remember that the good old days
can be brought back to realistic
hallucinogenic state with just the
combined use of these readily available
sinus medications,
So to summarize, try to be rich as
early in life as possible ... and if you
can't do that, hope for nice weather.
Suffice it to say that we have a plan.
Since we feel that this is the kind of
project that the entire world could get
behind, we've decided to open it up to
private investors. If you're interested in
helping sponsor the search, just . . . .
George! What the hell do you think
you're doing? Get down from there
now! Quit upstaging me! Besides, I've
told you a hundred times, not knowing
the law is no excuse!
"No matter how hard you hit the
books, you can't study all the time. And
no matter how you watch what you
spend, you never have enough money.
So I decided to put my free time to good
use, I got a part-time job at UPS.
"UPS pays me almost $lO,OOO a year
for working about 4 hours a day. They let
you pick a part-time schedule that
won't conflict with your course load. You
can work mornings, afternoons, even
evenings. You get health benefits,
paid vacations, even a student loan if
you need it. Most jobs are in Operations.
But you might get a shot at Accounting,
Industrial Engineering, I.S. or Customer
Service.
"Look into UPS. No other employer in
town pays students more for their 'free'
time"
YOU ARE INTERESTED
PART-TIME
EMPLOYMENT WITH
PLEASE CALL OUR
EMPLOYMENT HOTLINE
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UPS