1 'l /l?!? A nr¥Tl?l7C CAPITAL TIMES
XL/ JT H/ f\ 1 UlVll/O March 30, 1992
King gases up with 'Lawnmower Man'
Jason Sandhaus
Capital Times Staff
Stephen King is at it again. This time
the master of horror brings us "The
Lawnmower Man."
Every time an adaptation of one of
King's works is brought to the silver
screen, I worry. I’m afraid Stephen King
will have something to do with it. Either
writing the screenplay or even getting his
cute little face in front of the camera. In
case you've never seen the man, he won't
win any beauty pageants.
The man was put on this planet to
scare the hell out of us. Normally, that's
what he does. But with "Lawnmower
Man" we see a side of King we rarely
glimpse. He delves into the realm of
science fiction, virtual reality, if you
please.
The film stars Pierce Brosnan as the
mind behind the science, who's come up
with a method of increasing an inferior
'Once Upon a Crime' a movie violation
Jason Sandhaus
Capital Times Staff
What do John Candy and Eugene Levy
have in common? Who really cares? In
case you were wondering, they are both
alumni of SCTV.
Remember the film classic, "Armed
and Dangerous," they starred in? Of course
you don't. It was a dud. Just like the film I
most recently viewed. Candy and Levy
team up again, this time for the film
"Once Upon a Crime."
This time Candy stars and Levy directs.
Don't worry, John Candy is not the only
MOVIE HAUS
bankable star to have a hand in this fiasco.
Also starring are Jim (don’t call me James)
Belushi, Cybil Shepard, Sean Young,
Richard Lewis, Ornclla Muti, and George
Hamilton.
That’s right, the bronzed one himself
even makes an appearance. Don't all jump
for joy at once.
Oh yeah, a dog also stars in the film,
no not Phyllis Diller—a dachshund, the
world's longest and ugliest dog. It’s sad,
but the dog played a major role in the
movie.
The film starts out with Sean Young
walking and crying her way through Italy.
She stumbles across a dog that has a large
reward for its return, and into Richard
Lewis.
The two call up the owner and plan a
rendezvous for the lost pup with its
owner. The only problem is that the
owner lives in Monte Carlo.
In case you were wondering, Lewis
plays an out-of-work actor (quite a stretch
for him), and the two hop on a train and
head off to Monte Carlo (not Montalban).
On the train the couple come across a
stout John Candy. He's a refugee of
Gamblers Anonymous. Can Overeaters
Anonymous be far behind?
Sounds exciting doesn't it? Enter Jim
subjects intellect.
He tests his theory on monkeys, until
one of his prized pupils goes berserk and
shoots everything in sight. The company
Brosnan works for wants to eventually use
MOVIE HAUS
the system on humans, to train them to be
weapons. The subjects are injected with an
aggression formula.
After the monkey debacle, Brosnan
becomes depressed until he comes up with
the idea of increasing the IQ of Job, the
deadbeat who mows his lawn. Job is
played by Jeff Fahey. He lives in a shack
behind a church and is constantly being
abused and taken advantage of. But not for
long.
The doctor starts Job on a program of
"games" in his house to increase his
Belushi and the wonderful and beautiful
Cybil Shepard. They play a married couple
on a "love" trip, until Belushi takes their
trip money and heads to the casino.
There he meets Candy, who has
forgotten the ways of how NOT to
gamble. The two team up and lose
everything. 800 HOO.
Back to the main plot, as if you
thought there wasn’t one. Lewis and
Young arrive at the house where the dog
New name, old ideas
Jeff Leader
Capital Times Staff
For personal reasons, I am having my
name changed to Jeff Leader, maternal
family name; no that wasn't my likeness
you saw in the post office.
I want to teach birds how to drive so I
can poop on their cars. Great visual, huh?
If his dad would let him compete, I
wonder how Jesus would do in Barcelona
this summer; I wonder what Madonna's
mother calls her; a vision of Cher when
she's 80: her breasts are still perky, but
the natural parts are sagging; what is
Barbara Bush going to look like when
she's 80? She looks 80 now.
Doesn't it seem like Jimmy Stewart
should have died a long time ago? Your
ears never stop growing; I wonder how
Prince Charles feels about that; Barbra
Streisand had a nose job, and she still
needs a permit to take the thing out in
public.
I would like to see Oprah Winfrey in a
Save-The-Whales t-shirt; the next Geraldo
Rivera show: tobacco-chewing, nose
picking, prepubescent space aliens and
their earthling wives...the next Sally Jesse
Raphael show: earthling women who had
their hearts broken by tobacco-chewing,
nose-picking, prepubescent space aliens.
Whenever I see Zsa Zsa The-Bore, I
intelligence. Job learns quickly, so quickly
that the good doctor can no longer work
with Job at his home. So, off to the lab
they go.
The doctor takes him to the lab, and
swears that Job will not end up like the
monkeys. Job absorbs so much that he is
now more intelligent than the man who is
leaching him.
A certain power is bestowed upon Job,
and he starts to read people's minds. He
can control objects by thinking about
them. He is a living example of mind over
matter.
Then, of course, the doctor's creation
goes berserk. Revenge is the first thing on
his mind. Job persists in getting back at
everyone who ever treated him in a
hostile, or even not-so-hostile, manner.
To say the story is original is not
enough. I have to give King a lot of credit
for what he has created. Praise must also
go to the film's stars, Brosnan and Fahey.
You may remember Fahey from the movie
belongs, but there’s one problem-the
owner’s dead. From that point on it's a
whodunnit comedy, and not much of one.
Aside from the poor script, poor
direction, and awful acting by its stars, I'd
say this film has everything.
It took three people to write the
screenplay; surely you could assume that
one of them had something funny to say.
But apparently not
There is one bright spot, however, and
can't help but think of the Wizard of Oz
scarecrow singing "If I only had a
brain"...l'll save you a letter to the editor:
whenever / read one of Jeff’s columns, I
can't help but think of the Wizard of Oz
JUST A THOUGHT...
scarecrow singing "If I only had a brain."
When I think of the Academy Awards,
I think of Brooke Shields...NOT! Michael
Jackson is more woman than Martina
Navratilova ever wanted to be; HI-C Fruit
Juice is 10% real fruit juice, 90% what???
Saying she is tired of lonely nights,
Tammy Faye Bakker is single again. That
means she'll be trying to get a new man.
That means she'll be wanting to look her
best. That means you should invest in
Avon.
Since it's called the "gubernatorial
race," shouldn't the winner be called the
gubemor? Jerry Tarkanian, the embattled
UNLV hoops coach, looks more like Yoda
every day; brown underwear seems like an
awfully practical idea.
Let's face it, Freud was just plain
weird; We haven't heard much of Pee Wee
Herman lately...l guess he’s got his hands
full.
Have you seen the commercial for
"Body Parts,” or you may not. It was a
very forgettable film.
The script is well-written, with a few
holes, one of which is an open ending. I
hate open endings. But looking at the
ticket sales the King name can generate, I
wouldn’t be surprised if a sequel was in the
works.
The special effects rival those of
"Terminator 2," and are highly advanced in
computer graphics. Virtual reality does
exist, but not in the form the movie
shows. It puts you in a world where you
can fly.
Even people who are not fans of the
science fiction genre will enjoy this film.
It's not your typical "man in the future"
science fiction piece. It deals with
something that is here today and will be a
force to reckon with tomorrow.
So look out...the person who cuts your
grass may not be who you think he is. (2
1/2 stars out of 4)
I don't mean the dog. Of all people, it's
Lewis, who easily gives the performance
of his life. If you believe that, I have
plenty more for you.
But seriously, Lewis is the best part of
this pitiful feature. He was given most, if
not all, of the funniest lines. Even if there
were only two of them to give.
The great scholar Mac Gruff once said,
"Help take a bite out of crime." In this
case, he was right. (1 out of 4 stars)
discussed
Depends ? The concept is that people who
have limited control over their bowel
movements, can whip on a pair of
Depends Adult Diapers and go about their
active lifestyles.
The commercial features two elderly
people jogging down a beach. This creates
a very disturbing mental picture.
Attention all athletes: why continue
wasting your time at this institution?
Transfer now to JOCK STATE.
Your tuition will be paid by our secret
alumni association.
Consider the following sample of our
faculty and their respective courses:
Mike Tyson, gender relations; Michael
Jordan, hair care; Pete Rose, tax law; Jose
Canseco, driver education; Martina
Navratilova, concepts in androgyny;
Charles Barkley, target spitting at fans;
Ben Johnson, anabolic steriod chemistry;
Kevin McHale and Patrick Ewing, studies
in evolution; Joe Paterno, charismatic
persona development
Students!
Have something to sell?
Advertise in the Capital Times.
Student rates just $5 per column inch
Contact Lee Bitler at 944-4970.