Bob ho-ho-hopes X-mas will wait
Bob Caton
Cap Times Staff
Here's the deal, campers...this is a
rerun...l thought this particular edition of
the Voice would be appropriate again,
considering that the problem it addresses is
happening once again. If you're a
senior...you've seen this already, and you
can move right on to Jeff. If you're a
junior...disregard this notice, and enjoy
this ALL-NEW episode!
Hey... Erma Bombeck and Ann Landers
do this all the time.
Twas the night before Christmas, and
all through the house, nodoby gave a
damn, not even the mouse.
The stockings were in the attic,
scattered all over, for the family was sick
of Christmas in October.
I watched "Rudolf again, and crawled
into bed, while the kids all had "Game
Boys" plugged into their heads.
When suddenly out on the porch,
something crashed to the floor! I leapt
Much ado about
Jeff Hildebrand
Capital Times Staff
List of previously accepted beliefs
(circa 1970).
Not only does Santa Claus exist, each
Christmas he personally delivers presents
to all the children of the world. This
"Thing" called a Tooth fairy pays cash for
your discarded incisors, molars, et al. A
talking rabbit, affectionately labeled the
Easter Bunny, does his best to promote
business for the dental industry by
distributing assorted confections to
Christian children the world over. Similar
to the chap who resides at the North Pole,
this distribution miracle occurs within a
twenty-four hour window and, besting the
red-suited one, sans any elfin aid.
"Nothing" is self-descriptive. Liver tastes
yucky.
List of currently accepted beliefs (circa
1991).
☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆
Don't forget to vote!
Election Day is November 5.
☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆
EXPRESS YOUR VIEWS !
Letters to the editor are always
welcomed and encouraged.
Submit your letter in Room W-341 or place it in our
mailbox in Room 212. Typed submissions are preferred.
Please include your name...we cannot print anonymous letters.
We reserve the right to edit all submissions.
from my bed, and cocked my .44.
The sight I saw when I threw open the
door, I thought "Man! I'll never drink
tequila anymore!"
What to my wondering eyes should
Voice from Hell
appear, but a bum in a red suit, carrying a
six-pack of beer.
His eyes were tired, his suit all
-threadbare, and he wheezed like a steam
train as he flopped into my chair.
He said "This is getting ridiculous," as
he popped open a beer, "I used to only
woik one night a year!
"What they've done to me, I just want
to cry...why now you even see Christmas
trees in July!
"The EPA impounded my reindeer and
sled, yelling some stuff about pollution
over our heads!
"My elves became Teamsters, and then
Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy and the
Easter Bunny are all myths. Nothing is
something. Liver tastes yucky.
Logistics of travel did in Santa and the
Just a Thought...
rabbit. As for the Tooth Fairy, the sheer
absurdity of the entire concept was enough
to ensure its own demise (though I was
careful not to inform my parents of my
enlightment until I had received all the
bounties my mandibular growths could
bestow). "Nothing" took a bit more
thinking.
"Nothing is an awe-inspiring, yet
essentially undigested concept, highly
esteemed by writers of a mystical or
existentialist tendency, but by most others
regarded with anxiety, nausea, or panic.
Nobody seems to know how to deal with
it." The previous excerpt is borrowed
went on strike, and the kids just want
Nintendo...ncvcr a bike.
"The malls want more money, it's
plain to see...why, they even charge the
kids just to talk to me.
"Christmas is special!" He started to
cry "Starting in September makes me
want to die!"
My response to this (I’m quite greedy,
you see) was to ask "Hey Santa, whaddya
got for me?”
He belched and he snickered, and with
an evil sneer, he handed me a VISA bill
that would choke a reindeer.
"See what early shopping does!" he
snarled, and headed for the door "The stores
con you into buying more and more and
more!"
He walked to his Yugo, clutching his
beer, and yelled "Christmas should only be
one day a year!"
I heard him exclaim, as he walked to
the bar, "Remember... Christmas was
never meant to start in September!"
Apologies to Clement Moore's "Twas
the night before Christmas."
nothing?
from the Encyclopedia of
Philosophy.
The notion that "nothing is
something" may sound contradictory to
the individual who believes the following
premises:
1. Any "thing" that exists, is
something.
2. Where no "thing” exists, there is
nothing.
The first premise is accurate and the
second premise is incorrect. In order to
disprove the second premise, we need
merely to prove that "nothing" exists,
thereby qualifying it as something.
If "nothing" is indeed the instance
where no thing exists, then "nothing," in
itself, may not exist within the referred to
instance. For if "nothing" were to exist
within that instance which we refer to as
"nothing," there would indeed be
something in existence within the referred
to instance: there would be "nothing.”
That "nothing” is referred to at all,
establishes its existence. For if "nothing"
did not exist, there would be no mention
Letters to the Editor
Beck lauds campus crews
Dear Editor
It was a delight for my wife and me to
attend the Oct. 4, 1991, 25th anniversary
celebration dinner in the CUB gymnasium
with Dr. Theodore Gross and many old and
dear friends from the faculty and student
body.
While my busy schedule did not allow
me to attend the Saturday on-campus
events as I had intended, I was surprised
that, in all the acknowledgements at the
dinner, the maintenance and operations
crews were overlooked.
In all my years at Penn State
CAPITAL TIMES rvi)
November 4, 1991 \/ m —hyl 9 / /
I work at an unnamed retail store on
weekends to earn extra cash. This past
Sept. 10, I was asked to help out in the
"Christmas Shop," a portion of the store
that (amazingly) has Xmas stuff.
There were already two Xmas trees up,
and a ghetto blaster was blaring assorted
holiday faves as I got to erect and decorate
another tree. The department head told me
that the Xmas decorations began arriving
for sale in early August.
I realize that the Xmas season is very
important to retailers, especially with our
wonderful economy being driven into the
ground by our elected Chief Schmuck, but
will I soon be able to leave the old
artificial tree up 365 days a year without
worrying about looking like the old
weirdo down the street, who has done it
for years?
I'm not some retro-geek, lamenting the
replacement of "Lincoln Logs" with Super
Nintendo, but I would like to at least be
able to enjoy Halloween without having
to brush aside Xmas displays.
Until next time...
of it. It should be noted that the mere
mention of a thing does not constitute its
existence within actual reality or
influential reality.
In that we have our own concepts of
"nothing," "nothing" exists in our
conceptualized reality. In that "nothing"
exists in our conceptualized reality, it is
capable of influencing our decision
making process and, therefore, may exist
in our influential reality. Finally, in that
we have assigned an existence to
"nothing,” nothing exists in our actual
reality. That "nothing” exists in our actual
reality may now not be denied. In what
form "nothing" exists is entirely
debatable.
In summary: that "nothing" exists
within our conceptualized realities proves
the existence of "nothing" as a thing. In
that "nothing" is indeed a thing, "nothing"
is not nothing, but something. In that
"nothing" is something, wherever there is
nothing there is something, even if that
something is only nothing
"Awe-inspiring,"
"Undigested," no more
Harrisburg I never encountered a more
hard-working, pleasant, "can-do" group of
individuals on our campus.
They arc the folks who make us look
good in many aesthetic and quiet ways, far
beyond our words and accomplishments.
Bravo, crew, and thanks for making
Penn State Harrisburg look better than
ever.
Sincerely,
Edward S. Beck
Penn State Harrisburg 1971-1991
Director, Susquehanna Institute
maybe