Voice from Hell
Bob returns with new ax to grind
Bob Caton
Capital Times Staff
"How I spent my summer
vacation."
After finishing up producing the
new Guns 'n' Roses album, settling the
fight between Cindy Crawford and
Christina Applegate over who would get
to take me to Cancun,and cancelling my
contract to quarterback the Seahawks due
to lack of cash...
Oops...sorry...isn't this the
Writing Skills Assessment?
Hi, campers...yes, I’m back for yet
another damn semester of fun, chills and
thrills here at Penn State Football
Support...uh, I mean University.
For the myriad throngs of fresh
faced juniors who have not yet gone
through the wringer here in our little
circle of hell, my name is Bob, and I
bitch and moan. That's it...no redeeming
qualities, no social standards, no free
trips to see Axl Rose and Boy George in
"The Odd Couple" at Harrisburg
Community Theatre for finding the
hidden backward Satanic message in each
column.
Penn State, as usual, has managed
to screw each and every one of us yet
again with the traditional bi-monthly
tuition hike. Very few things make me
vomit more copiously than hearing Joab
Thomas cry about how poor the
University is when Joe Paterno gets a
"six-figure” deal to outfit the football
team with black Nikes, when plans are
progressing to build a multi-multi
million dollar airport at State College so
the poor Purdue Boilermaker football
Just a thought...
Right beer ensures
social success?
Jeff Hildebrand
Capital Times Staff
Is it just me... or are you
sometimes led astray by the implicit
messages so prevalent in much of
today’s advertising? The other night I
was watching television when, I don’t
know why, it suddenly occured to me-if
you want to be really hip, hang out with
the "in" crowd and have the opposite sex
drool at the very sight of your
personage, all you have to do is drink
the right beer.
I quickly headed out to the local bar
and, upon arriving, ordered a bottle of,
let's call it, "Boors Light.” I staked out
a choice spot at the end of the bar and
waited for the onslaught. This was
gonna be great. The music was loud,
just like in the commercials. All around
me people were smiling, just like in the
commercials. Boy oh boy this was it. I
had the right beer now and it docsn l get
a'!’,' belter d an this.
I wailed for the beer to work its
team doesn't come down with a serious
case of hemorrhoids from having to ride
all the way from Harrisburg airport to
play.
Call me a hypocrite all you
want...l go to PSU football games,
scream my guts out, drink enough cheap
beer to incapacitate the Ecuadorian Navy,
and generally act like, well, everybody
else in the stadium, but I do PAY for the
privelege.
In the "How ****ing Anal
- Retentive Can You Be" category this
month, the winner is beloved old P.S.H.
Yes, campers, now the gods-that-be of
this hellhole have decided that people
who dare to still call this campus
"Capital College" rather than "Penn
State Harrisburg" should have the
bottoms of their feet smacked with
Joe Pa's old jockstraps while forcing
them to listen to the complete works of
Vanilla Ice while watching a movie next
to Pee Wee Herman (I had to sneak that
in somewhere). My question is...WHO
CARES? As long as the cheery
’’Estimated Bills" are being paid, who
cares if we call this campus the "John
Holmes Institute for Penis
Enlargement?" Or how about "Mid-
Central Pennsylvania Insititute of
Training for jobs that will allow You to
Out-Eam all But the Management Team
at 'Elby’s' Around the World?"
Hey...l'm relieved...good old
Mickey "Blotchy” Gorbachev is back in
command in the U.S.S.R. Personally I
could not live with out the new fashion
line of fur hats they are exporting
now...and life is not complete without
official Soviet Army Toilet Paper (It's
the SplinteriestH) . I think we made a
serious mistake starting to babysit these
magic... I waited some more... I drank
a few more beers and waited some
more... More beer and more waiting...
Still more beer and more wailing... The
bartender yelled out "last call.” I slurred
out, "No (expletive) way!" (Remember, I
had drank several beers).
What went wrong? I did everything
just like in the commercials. How was I
still babeless? The women were
supposed to hang all over me. Red
heads, brunettes, the Swedish bikini
team. I must have done something
wrong. The commercials made it all so
clear. Drink "Boors Light" and you'll be
irrcsistable.
Depressed, I went home. I staggered
in the front door, flopped on the sofa and
flipped on the tube. I was silling there,
alone, in my bewilderment when, I don't
know why, it suddenly occured to mc-if
you want to be really hip, hang out with
the "in" crowd and have the opposite sex
drool at the very sight of your
personage, all you have to do is drive the
right car...
OP-ED
vodka swilling meathcads...after all, we
already give countries like Israel three
BILLION dollars a year now just to skag
us in the press and the U.N., do we
really need 270 million marginally
unemployable alcoholics on the payroll,
too?
Note to all new. students...cheap
beer is a LEARNING AID! This
announcement provided free by the
Voice,
Another note to new
students... Professors really don’t want to
-4-
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- jJ—
CAPITAL TIMES
STAFF MEETING
. ■■■■■■■ •
■—————————— ■' ■ ■■ lII Mil Mil—,
Anyone interested in joining the newspaper staff
please plan to attend the staff meeting on
Thursday, August 29
AT 12:30 P.M.
IN THE CAP TIMES OFFICE
(ROOM W-341)
If you are interested in joining but
cannot attend, please contact Karen orT.J.!
No experience necessary, everyone is welcome!
- - ... ■ - . -
THANK YOU!
August 26, 1991, CAPITAL TIMES
see you day-in, day-out, so try to cut as
many classes as you possibly can, its a
guranteed grade-raiser!
Yet another note to new
studcnts...You will endear yourselves to
your new roomies if you play really bad
heavy metal albums at mind-numbing
volume all night long...especially if said
roomies have major exams the following
morning.
God...it just keeps getting worse,
Until next time,