Straight Talk
Robert Caton
Capital Times Staff
So baseball has ended its strike, and
we will soon be able to gorge ourselves
on the national pastime once again.
Big, fat, hairy deal.
Why do Americans have such a cow
over baseball? I spent about 16 hours
arguing the finer points of the game
with my friend, who I'll call...Meathead
(not his real name, but it should be).
Meathead is your average baseball fan,
the type of guy who would turn his
grandmother over to the Metallica road
crew in exchange for tickets to a
Cleveland Indians-Seattle Mariners
tripleheader.
"But Bob, baseball is such a classic
game! (God Bless America begins to
play) It's our (hushed, reverent tone)
NATIONAL PASTIME!
Right. Killing Indians used to be our
national pastime too, but it's sort of
frowned upon today. Baseball was
invented merely to prove to the English
that we could come up with a game
more boring than soccer.
"Baseball players are ROLE
MODELS!"
Students
Kimberly A. Murray
Major. Accounting
Age: 20
1. I don't think we can speculate about the
affect this event will have on the reforms in
Eastern Europe.
2. No, Gorbachev has been involved,
directly or indirectly, with so many positive
events that the image he has created has not
been significantly damaged.
Good point...every kid in America
should grow up to be like Luis "I should
play hockey, cuz I can score before the
first period," Polonia, who at least had
the good sense not to videotape his
"hobby." Or how about Steve Garvey,
who puts the phrase "Father of our
Country" into new perspective? Maybe
Darryl "Don't drive drunk, play drunk"
Strawberry? Dwight "What kind of white
powder IS that baseline made of"
Gooden? Or the all time classic... Pete
"I'll lay ya ten to one I don't have a
gambling problem" Rose.
The worst part is, Americans accept
these morons as heroes! If I were to be
caught with a pound of cocaine, I sure
wouldn't be told I had "an illness," given
a month in a country club rehab center
doing primal scream therapy with Chevy
Chase, and then be given two million
bucks a year to PLAY A GAME again
as if nothing ever happened. I'd be in the
state pen married to the guy who has the
most cigarettes.
But baseball players are assigned such
a mythic quality by people; they are
essentially above the law! If a teacher
were caught with coke, he or she would
be drawn and quartered because of
Speak out: What Do you think?
Students were asked the following questions concerning
the recent Soviet invasion of Lithuania: 1. How do you
think the recent Soviet invasion of Lithuania will affect the
democratic reforms that have been sweeping through
Eastern Europe? 2. Do you feel that Gorbachev's
developing image as a peacemaker has been destroyed?
1. I think it will have a negative affect on
some of the democratic reforms, because the
only reason Gorbachev invaded Lithuania to
begin with was because he was afraid of the
amount of money that would be lost in
investments if Lithuania was independent of
the Soviet Union.
2. No. I wouldn't say it has been.
destroyed. Although I would say it has been
hurt a little--especially to those Americans who
thought that he was becoming more and more
generous.
OP-ED
Terry Clark
Major. Public Policy
Age: 23
"negative influence on children." Well, a
hell of a lot more kids listen to Keith
Hernandez than to their local science
teacher.
Maybe I'm overreacting...the average
kid these days is more concerned with
unscrambling the old man's "Playboy
Channel" than remembering Jose
Canseco's batting average after a
breakfast of oat bran muffins and tequila,
anyway.
"Uh, well...going TO a baseball
game is pure magic!"
I remember my last trip to Veterans
Stadium in Philly. A two-hour drive in
blazing heat to see the Philthys take on
the Cincinnati Reds. Nothing like
paying some itinerant lettuce picker four
bucks to park in his makeshift lot
(which he created by knocking over all
the tombstones), hiking to the stadium
and getting my free promotion (It was
Rodriguez's Crack Dealership Bat Day).
There's an intelligent
move...supplying weaponry to people
who will be slamming down beers
before the gas even escapes from the
cans--people who are already insane
enough with baseball worship to kill
without provocation. What's
next... Smith and Wesson Semi-
Automatic Rifle Day?
I climb to my seat, paying two bucks
for a program (100 pages of ads), four
bucks for a hot dog (sold to me by a
April 4, 1990, CAPITAL TIMES
man pulling his shorts out of his crack
with one hand, and handing me my hot
dog, sans napkin, with the other) and
three bucks for a CAN of beer.
My seat was rather distant (Sec.
ZZZZZ4 Row 146), which had its
advantag6s. The old man next to me
with the two-foot cigar was able to light
his matches off the bottom of passing
747'5.
The usherettes were ugly, the
management stopped our "Pete Rose
sucks" chant after only 378 choruses,
and the plays were easy to see--assuming
you had a telescope.
Baseball is definitely all-
American...you pay tons of cash to get
essentially nothing but a sunburn.
" uh... um ...er. "
At this point, Meathead was
quivering, and tears were beginning to
form in his eyes as he clutched his
"Official Orel Hershisher Blow-Up
Doll."
I decided to let him live...who
knows...after four or five cases of cheap
domestic brew...maybe I WILL care
what an infield fly is.
Until next time...
Editor's Note: Straight Talk from
Robert Caton is new to the Cap. Times.
Look for it to appear regularly in future
issues.
Photo by: Richard Chiavetta
•
Lori Gouldy
Major: Business Management
Age: 22
1. It could be a minor setback, but it really
shouldn't affect the other countries of Eastern
Europe.
2. To a point it has because, as everyone
knows, he hasn't been handling the situation
too well.