Getting Started in Heavy Metal
So, you want to be a Heavy Metal Rock Star, is that right, Bunky? But you
always thought it took a special breed of man to get up on stage and prance around in
ripped tights and moussed hair. Thomas Edison said that success is two percent
inspiration and 98 percent perspiration. Forget that. If you want to make it in Heavy
Metal, it's 100 percent sweaty underarms. That's right, if you're a David Lee Roth
wannabee just follow these easy instructions and Rock and Roll success will be yours.
The Band: The name of the band sets the tone for the presentation which follows.
A good band name is like a fine wine--light and airy, and yet full-bodied. A good name
would be like one of the following: Bad Gas, Painful Violent Death, or Steel Bitch.
(These names are available for use. All I ask in the way of remuneration is to get
invited to the bitchin' backstage parties when the band is in town.)
Appearance: Appearance is very important; style is the name of the game. Try
denim. Try leather. Try mixing denim and leather together. Try skintight denim and
leather with lots of skin showing. And don't forget the tattoos. A matching set of
'toos is an excellent fashion statement. Remember, the more you look like a carnie
ferris wheel operator, the better.
The Show: It is imperative that you have your act together. From the moment
you step on stage with your axe, you want to own that stage. One way to do this
would be with smoke and lights. Picture it: a smoky stage. From the swirling smog,
blue lights appear, changing to yellow. Or get creative--have yellow lights first,
changing to blue, or even RED. The possibilities are endless. And dress up the stage.
A nice touch would be to tie scarves on the mike stand--that way when your lead
vocalist covers his weak singing by whirling the pole the audience will be mesmerized
by the pieces of brightly colored material.
Your First Song: The first single you release should address issues of social and
spiritual importance. You should be out to change the world. Use the following
suggested subjects as guidelines: Crotchless panties as a metaphor for love, the New
York sewage system as a metaphor for love, or you might do a song considering
women as malign, destructive beings, possessed by Satan.
The Video: The video is what sells the band. The following is a rough sketch of a
shooting plot which you may adapt to your own purposes:
OPENING: MEDIUM CLOSE SHOT.
(With feeling, begin song, "You stole my love, you stupid slut.")
A roadie wearing a tee-shirt which reads, "Steel Bitch: The Bum in Hell Tour."
(Fade to . .. )
LONG OPEN SHOT
The arena. A sea of arms waving to the music; beyond, the smoky stage. From
the swirling smog, blue lights appear, changing to yellow. (Cut to. . . )
MEDIUM FOLLOWING SHOT.
Lead singer in denim and leather, whirling scarf-dressed mike stand, prancing
across stage. (Cut to .. . )
MEDIUM SHOT.
A pretty young woman standing pensively by a hot new car. (This is where Heavy
Metal stardom pays off. The young woman could be someone you picked up back
stage. Or, if things are rough at home, use your regular girlfriend; she'll think it means
you love her. You might be able to get 'em to give you the car, too.) (Cut to . . . )
LONG SHOT.
A horizon of buildings burning for no explicable reason. (Cut to . . .)
MEDIUM SHOT.
The guitarists in a tight line, kicking out to the music together.
REPEAT SEQUENCE UNTIL SONG ENDS
That's it. That's all you have to do to be a Heavy Metal Mega-Star.
Oh, and one more thing: Save me a babe, Dude.
Freshmen affected by high stress
from National On-Campus Report
An increase in smoking and a rise in
feelings of depression may signal
growing stress among freshmen, states
the latest annual survey by the American
Council on Education and UCLA's
Higher Education Research Institute.
The American Freshman: National
Norms for Fall 1988 says more than
10% of the respondents reported
smoking frequently--up from 8.9% in
1987; and more than 10% said they were
frequently depressed during the past year
-up from 8.3% a year earlier. More
freshmen also feel "overwhelmed by all I
have to do."
Alexander Astin, professor at
UCLA's Graduate School of Education
and director of the survey, blames the
increased stress on several factors,
including expanded competition for
admission into selective schools, and a
rising interest in pursuing advanced
C.W. Heiser
degrees. Degree aspirations have
especially risen among women. Since
1970, the percentage of women planning
to earn a doctorate increased from 6.5%
to 11.4%.
There's another stress factor, too:
student concern about paying for college.
Only 15.6% of those surveyed received
Pell Grants, down from 31.5% in 1980.
Participation in other federal aid
programs has also declined.
Freshmen are relying more on
college grants and scholarships, and
especially, family support. Of course,
the growintg number depending on
family support (78.2%) may also reflect
an increased number of non-traditional
students, who often work. In fact, more
than 70% of adult students work full
time (see How Americans in Transition
Study for College Credit, College Board,
1988).
Scholarship Available for
Information Systems Majors
By Joe Kupec
The Central Pennsylvania Chapter of
the Association for Systems
Management has established a
scholarship program at Penn State
Harrisburg.
Intended for Information Systems
Majors, the scholarship was created
because this campus is the only one in
the Penn State System with a student
chapter of the Information Resources
Management Association.
According to Dr. Medhi
Khosrowpour, Chairman of the
Information Systems program at Penn
State Harrisburg, the central
Pennsylvania chapter of the ASM
approved the scholarship two weeks ago.
Applications for the $2OO dollar
Capital Times staff will be meeting on Monday,
March 13 at 2:00 p.m. in W-337.
FACULTY-STUDENTS-STAFF
Come Worship With Us On Campus
During. This Lenten Season
Joint Lenten Service of the Word
Good Friday, 12:00 Noon.
Roman Catholic Mass every
Sponsored by Middletown Interfaith
Council, LCM, CCM.
Seruices Led By-
Father Robert Panza, Roman Catholic Chaplain
actor K. Robert Schmitt, Lutheran Campus Ministry,
Middletown, PA
Bring your story ideas!
onWednesday and
BCAC Lounge.
Sunday, 7:00 p.m.
in the Dinin! Hall .
scholarship are available now at room
E-355.
Selection for the award is based on a
nomination by the Information Systems
Department Chairman and one faculty
member.
Mark Andersen, President of the
Central Pennsylvania ASM, said that
the scholarship is one way that the
professional organization can support
students.
He hopes that it will also encourage
student participation in professional
organizations like the ASM and its
student chapter IRMA.
"This represents about 10 percent of
the Central Pennsylvania ASM Chapters
budget," Kosrowpour said. "and it's a
plus for our program."
Figgni