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Campus Commentary
Jan Travers/Editor
Yearlong Efforts Pay
It's the end of the semester, and you are burnt out, right?
It takes a conscious effort to pick up those books and prepare for
finals. Don't despair, you are in good company.
The staff of the Capital Times is suffering the same fate.
But, just the same way that you will dig deep one more time, so
did we. This is the last issue of the semester of the newspaper.
Over the 1986-87 school year, we put out 21,600 copies of 12
issues of the Capital Times. These issues carried 191 stories and
131 advertisements supplied by a staff of 15.
When we revived the paper in August, we had one
objective in mind and that was to publish an issue on schedule
every three weeks. Not only did we accomplish that, but we have
continually improved in each issue we put out. In addition,
through the generosity of the SGA we purchased an Apple
Macintosh Plus computer and Laserwriter so we could do all our
preprinting production inhouse.
But there is one problem. As we improve and grow we
need continuing support of the college community. We need
your input. Before we can consider becoming a bi-weekly or
weekly the staff must be enlarged. We have tried to cover as
many aspects of the campus life as possible this year. At times
we unintentionally slighted one group or another. By you the
readers getting more actively involved, either through joining the
staff, submitting copy, writing letters to the editor, or forwarding
story ideas to this office, the paper can continue to improve upon
the present basic structure.
During this first year of revival of the Capital Times we
have received support from many areas, including the
administration, the faculty, the SGA, students, our adviser Joanne
Smith, Janet Widoff, student activities coordinator, Photographer
Darrell Peterson who bailed me out more than once, and countless
others. It was always appreciated.
However, the credit for the year must go to the staff.
These people, who usually remain only as faces in the crowd,
must be commended for their fine job. Staff, I thank you for all
the time and effort you gave to the newspaper, for meeting
deadlines, and for accepting the responsiblity without anyone
watching over your shoulders. I feel very fortunate to have
worked with you. For those of you who are graduating, I wish
you good luck in your futtire. For those who are returning in the
fall, I anxiously await working with you again. And so it goes...
Al The Unique
Yesterday I was sitting in my
chair getting ready to doze off as I
imagined myself the world's greatest
rock star. If only I could write the
perfect song, I'd be world famous with
voluptuous women crawling all over me
like ants on a popsicle stick.
With a crack of lightning and a
horrific noise, an apparition apppeared in
front of my eyes. "I'm your macho
godfather," he said. "We used to be
called fairy godfathers but some of the
guys were getting teased about it, so we
modernized the name."
I was a non-believer so he had
to perform several miracles for me before
I would accept who he was. When I was
finally forced to admit he indeed was my
macho godfather he explained why he
had come. "If you think all it takes to be
a rock star is to write a great song,
you're pretty naive. I'm going to let you
be a star but you have to take everything
that goes along with it. You have to act
outrageous, look outrageous and make
outrageous statements."
"I'm ready," I stated. Dress me
up any way you want, make me say
whatever you want, just bring on those
women.
With a wave of his magic wand
we were transported to a dressing room
backstage at a large concert hall. He told
me I was now a famous star who was
Cynicism & Humor
Alan. Pincus
about to go onstage to perform. He
advised me to take a good look at myself
in the mirror and • something about my
name now being Al The Unique. I was
Capital Times
so excited that I really didn't pay much
attention to what he was saying. Just to
humor him I looked in the mirror and
was amazed to see my hair had been
shaven off my head and a blue and black
checkerboard pattern had been painted on
top of my skull.
Cyndi Lauper and Boy George
had done all that could be done with hair
so you went in the opposite direction,"
he said. "You'll notice that you chopped
off the thumbs and index fingers on both
hands to protest rampant masturbation."
I looked down at my hands in horror and
saw he was right.
"This is insane!" I screamed,
"Why in the world would I do such an
absurd thing?"
The macho godfather explained
that this action got me several reports on
the nightly news and an interview on
The David Letterman Show. I was
world famous for singing songs calling
for the abolition of sex. It was now
time for me to perform and I walked
onstage to a tremendous ovation. After
singing several songs about voluntary
sterilization I headed back toward the
dressing room. In the hallway I was met
by three alluring groupies with lustful
April 27, 1987
looks in their eyes and hotel keys in
their hands. For some reason I brushed
by thein• and went • straight into the
dressing room.
"I. don't know what's wrong
with me," I said to the macho godfather.
"This 'whole thing is not what I had
imagined.. I'm so flustered that I just
ignored three beautiful women who
wanted my.body. By the way, what kind
of accent - .does that public address
annoniicer.. have? When he was
introchicing me he pronounced Al The
Uniquefeally strangely."
. : ."Oh, he doesn't have any
accent,". said the macho godfather. "It
isn't Al thiVnique, it's Al The Eunuch.
You castrated yourself to make the
ultimaie:.sccial statement. It got you
four spins on 'the Carson show and the
cover of-Pqople Magazine. I told you it
would t.alce more than a good song to be
a rock star.. Are you ready to go back to
being YOurs.elf?"
'-.;Naturally, I decided to forego
my life:as- a rock superstar and I was
transpoi:ted back to my chair, all digits
intact. I'M. perfectly content to be my
plain, dull self and please don't ever call
me unique.
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