April 27, .1987
Finished With Easter Movies For Another Year
by C.W . Heiser
Well, the Easter holiday is
behind us, although it's kind of hard to
tell. What did we do? After the ham,
and cleaning up the PAAS, .what
exactly was there to do?
It's not like Memorial day
where we get to play highway lottery.
Or Christmas, with eggnog and family
fights. It'll never be the 4th of July.
(The 4th of July is my particular
favorite. No presents to remember, and
the folks don't expect a call. Just drink
and play with fire.)
I don't know about ybu, but I
always end up in front of the T.V., dazed
from the endless stream of movies of
religeous motif. You know the ones I
mean. These are the gems where the
Roman soldiers always speak with a Brit
accent, usually filmed in pana-vista-epic
vision.
But do we watch these films
with the right attitude? I think not. So
that next year we may have a right heart
and right mind, I'd like to offer these
brief reviews of some of the standards
that are always shown.
This one has Max Von Sydow
playing Christ with the same
characterization he developed for the
figure of death in Bergman's ZU_
Seventh Seal. I think this guy put
Lazarus in the tomb. Interesting
interpretation: The sermon on the
PENN STATE
mount and the parables are all done
together in downtown Jerusalem late at
night, with the twenty-third psalm
thrown in for good measure. The
Roman pigs then come in as a riot squad
and break up the crowd. This isn't in the
gospels. It may be based on the 1848
clearing of the Paris commune. It's hard
to tell, though, as the scene is filmed
entirely in the dark. Nice torches.
Kin' sf Ki :
The epitome of Jesus as blue
eyed Aryan - Jeff Hunter is a doll. (Why
can't these people get it right? Mary
probably looked like Barbara Streisand,
and Jesus should be played by Jamie
Farr.) Robert Ryan is John the Baptist,
which has to be a stroke of casting
genius. You'll hum the theme music for
weeks
The Day Christ Died:
Here Pilate and the Priests are
establishment buddies, and the desciples
might best be described as primitive
Wobblies. Filmed as a pseudo
documentary, a la Dragnet, in the end I
half expected Barabbas to be picked up
again and sentenced in the Superior
Court of Los Angeles County.
- .is if . . •
It takes four days to watch this
nini-series, which is a full day longer
than Christ spent in hell. Probably the
best of the lot: while in most of the
movies where Jesus forgives his
executioners he looks like maybe he was
jostled on an elevator, this crucifixion
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SUMMER SESSION 'B7
looks like it hurts. It is a little hard to
follow as all the apostles look like
James
Farentino, except for James Farentino
who looks like Tony Franciosa.
1 . §:
This is the most insane bunch
of Romans ever brought to the screen.
How these people ruled the civilized
world for five hundred years is beyond
comprehension. Apopolexic rage isn't a
reaction, it's a religion. The proletariat
must have been extremely lumpen then.
Victor Mature jumps around a lot.
Th- 1. •i. :
The sequel to
Victor Mature fights lions and looks
older.
Cecil B. DeMille said that in
fifty years this movie would still be in
the theatres. He was wrong. Charleton
Heston's acting has all the nuances of a
stick. I rooted for the Egyptians.
Victor Mature gets hit on by
both Angela Lansbury and Hedy Larnarr,
then he pulls down the temple. He's
better off with the lions.
The Romans don't talk like
Brits, but they do carry submachine
guns, which was done a lot more
effectively in an episode of Slar Trek.
This Rock Opera was filmed entirely on
location in Israel, which explains where
the money went. (The Israeli desert
looks remarkably like the Mojave. So
much for expensive authenticity.) Ted
Neely portrays Christ as being short,
Mary Magdalene is Chinese, and Judas is
Black. You figure it out.
None of the unknown actors in
this movie went on to stardom. This
could be because of fine ensemble
acting, but it isn't. My favorite scene is
where a garbage can comes to life to
represent the Council of High Priests. I
don't know how I missed that in Sunday
School.
Frank is played by Bradford
Dillman, who went on to make a career
out of playing psychopathic killers. He
doesn't hurt the animals, but he wants
to.
A kind of spiritual episode of
Father Knows Best. All of the kids look
alike and should be named Kitten.
This list could go on, and on,
but it would take a saint to continue. If
your faith has been shaken, take heart,
there's always Christmas when we can
watch Jt's A Wonderful Life on every
channel, every night, for weeks.
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