Sept. 17,1986
I’m Going out of Business
When a business is failing it is
common practice to bring in a team
of experts to evaluate just what the
problems are. I figured I could
employ these same techniques in a
comprehensive evaluation of a
failing part of my life--my love
life.
I assembled a team of business
and marketing experts to evaluate
the product Triad to offer and to
suggest ways of getting it to my
target market (which consists of
anyone wearing a skirt who still
has her own teeth). They watched
me in action for a period of two
weeks. They stayed with me
constantly, and I must tell you that
at times it was difficult to keep my
concentration up. Their suggestions
both encouraged and depressed me.
One expert said I had a great
product to offer but it was in a bad
location. He suggested that I wait
until my looks and body come into
vogue, but I told him that I’ve been
waiting for that since the ’7o’s and
it doesn’t seem to be happening. A
rather discouraging idea came from
Letters to the Editor
Today at lunch I picked up a
copy of the Times and read
through it. Except for the usual
mispellings, etc. I did not see
anything outstanding, until I got
to the back page.
The advertisements throughout
the Times were very applicable
to student life; things such as
typing, haircuts and pizza. How
on earth you ever decided to
justify advertising abortion
services is beyond me!! I am
personally appalled that a
sss OUTDOORS CLUB
,White Water Rafting, Ropes Courses,
Rock Climbing, Cross- Country and
lAlpine Skiing,Wilderness Canoe Trips,
[and Day Hikes... i
FOR EVERYONE
AT ANY LEVEL OF EXPERIENCE
ewley River Raft Trip Oct 3,4,3
Rapes Courts Oct 25 S Nov. 1
Crew- Coanliy Ski Weekend Jan. 16,17,18
Meeting
24 Sept. 3:lspm 25 Sept. 12:30pm
newspaper from a college with
supposedly intelligent people
working for it would dare to do
such a thing. Abortion may be
legal but that does not make it
morally or ethically right!
Abortionists are murdering (yes,
I said murdering) 1.5 million
bahies. annually. It is because
people with no conscience turn
their heads and pretend that the
unborn baby is “just a blob” and
is not human. I hope you will
rethink this issue for yourself.
(continued on pg. 8)
Room 216, Olmsted
Cynicism &
Humor
Alan Pincus
Capital Times
one guy who said that many
businesses end their woes by doing
something illegal. However, I told
him that there was no way that I
would consider burning myself
down for the insurance.
One interesting idea was termed
the International Harvester tech
nique. I was to go to singles bars
and other places and claim I was a
doctor or an heir. After getting the
attention of my prey I would then
proceed to make wild promises of
marriage and trips to Europe. By
the time the truth was discovered I
could declare love life bankruptcy
and thus evade paying the piper. I
then could change my name to
something like A 1 Navistar and
start over. Unfortunately, I’m too
much of a romantic to pull such a
dastardly act
One marketing expert said that
women can’t resist a sale. He
suggested a love life going-out-of
busincss sale with rebates and a
ginsu knife for the first ten
customers. I was told to stress the
fact that no returns or refunds
would be allowed and if you break
it you have to buy it.
(continued from pg. 1)
Champions, and his latest
Galapagos, Vonnegut has ex
perienced a quite diversified life,
ranging from a battalion scout at
the WWII destruction of Dresden,
to an anthropopogy student at the
University of Chicago, a police
reporter for the Chicago City
News Bureau, the “entire
English Department” in a school
for emotionally disturbed
children,-lecturer at both lowa
Writers Workshop and Harvard
U., and distinguished professor at
the City College of New York.
Also an accomplished writer of
essays, short stories, articles,
and reviews, Vonnegut, a
member of the National Institute
for Arts and Letters, was the 1970
recipient of their literary award.
The choice of speakers for the
Provost’s Lecture Series was
made by a subcommittee of the
20th Anniversary Planning Com
mittee. This subcommittee,
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chaired by Walter Lowrey, vice
president and governmental rela
tions officer at Dauphin Deposit
Bank, was composed of faculty
members, and community and
staff representatives.
Thorough contemplations, begun
last March with, as Thea Hocker
of the Community Relations Of
fice notes, “scores of names to be
considered,” took until the end of
May to be completed. Within an
outline of a speaker to represent
each division, consensus was
reached based on financial con
siderations, the significants of
the speaker’s message, and their
community appeal.
“Great ...,” you may say. “A
superb group of speakers, an ex
cellent manner of acknowledging
Capital’s 20 years of service to
the community, but, and this is a
very significant but, how much
will a series of speakers of this
caliber cost me to attend?”
That’s a very good question, and
it just so happens, the figure ar-
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Fox’s
Market
The final report stressed different
ways to market myself in a college
setting. Humanities majors are
generally liberals, and I should
stress my puppy-like vulnerability
to get their attention. Business
majors are practical and mercenary,
and I should emphasize that I will
have my MBA in less than three
years. There is little chance of
finding a female engineer, so they
had few suggestions in that area.
Possibly I could ask her to do an
analysis on my vectors. Education
majors like to think they are
accomplishing something worth
while, so I should profusely thank
them for all they can teach me.
I am planning to start my
marketing campaign with a special
coupon that you’ll find in next
week’s TV Guide. If you buy any
five Betty Crocker products and
have a dale with me you’ll be
entitled to a free Vegematic or a
Pocket Fisherman. Hurry, the
supply is limited.
rived at for current Capital
students is, ironically, a mere
$5.00. For drastically less than
the normal price of a theater
ticket, for less than the price of a
pack of cigarrettes from prac
tically any machine, for no more
than the price of a pizza bagel
order in the Lion’s Den, for no
more than a single dollar, you
can enjoy the oratory prowess of
any of these five professional lec
turers. And, for coming up with
$5.00 in advance of the Series, you
can be assured of a seat for all of
them, by purchasing a set of
subscription tickets in the Com
munity Relations Office, Rm.-
WlO6 of the Olmsted Building.
“Only $5.00 for the whole
shabang?” Yes, Capital College
is so interested in stimulating and
increasing social awareness in
the student body, it is providing
the opportunity to o check out
speakers of this quality for the
outrageously low price of $5.00.
Have a happy 20th.
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