C. Reader
from page 3
Gentlemen:
What do you do when a cow kicks you in the leg?
Dear concerned farmer,
It is good to see that there are still some farmers who are concerned with their
work; you are truly out-standing in your field.
Your mishap is an udder shame; we suggest revenge. Send your assailant to
the local butcher shop.
Trust us, you won't be attacked by that ferocious bovine again. After her tour
of the facilities, she won't have a leg left to stand on, let alone kick you with.
Dear Sirs:
The other day in my Philosophy class, I raised my hand in response to a
question posed by my professor. Imagine my astonishment when he laughed and
said,"My dear, that was merely a rhetorical question."
Upon looking in my dictionary, I learned that a rhetorical question is "one
which is not meant to be answered." I am baffled!
Now, my question to you gentlemen is this: can you clarify this definition for
me? I mean, what kind of a question is not meant to be answered?
Kevita Germs
Dear Miss Geraca
Gentlemen:
Why does the President of the United States insist that we unleash our
industrial genius from the bonds of excessive government regulation, archaic tax
laws, and worndown plants and equipment when, in the same breath, his
thundering for a bigger defense establishment threatens to blow us all to kingdom
come, where tax breaks won't do us the least amount of good?
Francis Guider*lli
Dear Francis,
You make a very good point, and we couldn't agree with you more.
If President Ray-Guns can thunder such a monstrous sentence in one breath,
then his 70-year-old lungs are stronger than we thought possible.
However, let's look at the bright side. If we are blown to kingdom come, we
won't have to worry about finals.
Dear Pete & Repeat: •
My question concerns the behavior in humans known as absentmindedness.
For instance, if I play basketball it is very hard for me to keep the main objective
of scoring points in my head. I am easily distracted. My high school coach once
commented on my excellent potential in basketball being limited to the thought
process of "Ball. Ball go in hoop."
So my question to you two philosophical giants is—Have you ever lost
something and not known where it is?
REVOLUTIONARY UPDATE
By Col. S.C. Anon
Colonel Anon's article has been ab
sent for the past three-issues due to
preoccupation with the war started by
EKM starbase. It now appears that
Anon has taken the upper hand in the
conflict, and has taken time out from his
duties to submit this report:
Tuesday, February 2
There is a temporary lull in the
fighting between myself and the EKM
forces. We took this time to have a
going-away party for Ist Lieutenant
Kemo and Captain Damien, who are
leaving tomorrow for Kabul, Afghanis
tan, to compete in this year's "World Tag
Team Chainsaw Death Match" as the
defending champions.
There was some discussion of the war
with EKM starbase. Much of the talk
was an attempt to figure out just what
they were up to in declaring war against
us. It was decided that the initiation of
hostilities by EKM was to subvert this
article (to "get a piece of the pie," if you
will) out of jealousy over the growing
following of our group.
We have found that EKM starbase is
nothing more than a handful of Star Trek
"trekkie" rejects who have nothing
better to do than talk like robots and
disrupt other people's lives. They are
STUPID QUESTIONS
against everything we are for. We are
for fun and games, sex, drugs, and rock
n' roll. They should have named them
selves after the computer company
" WANG."
The party was disrupted when
the Donnie and Marie Osmond "Hawai
ian Punch" commercial came on and 2nd
Lieutenant Borrk demolished the televi
sion and stereo because he wasn't sure
which one the ad was on.
Thursday, February 4
I picked up today's edition of the C.C.
Reader and for a moment thought that I
had gotten Russia's Pravda instead. I
thought this when I saw the "Counterre
volutionary" article. What a bunch of
garbage!!! About that first "search mis
sion"—l split the enemy force, drawing
them away. My household was alerted
and secured. In true samurai tradition, I
was willing to sacrifice my life to prevent
an enemy victory. And I did not flee
down Mars! And about my "refuge"
being successfully attacked—the only
person there was a working man sleep
ing before going on midnight shift.
EKM deceitfully broke in through my
bedroom window, causing damage to a
screen at another window. Though suc
cessful on entering, the EKM command
er did not follow through with action
that could have given them the edge--a
major tactical mistake.
Thursday, March 5,1981
A concerned farmer
Forgot to sign
Dear Absentminded,
Just a second while we look for the answer. It was here just a minute ago
Kind Sirs:
Why is it that every time I walk back to my house this term, the wind is
coming directly at my beautiful (previously) face?
Dear Blown Away,
You sound like the type who would complain at the drop of a hat. (pun
intended)
We can't believe that the wind plays havoc with your face--is it made of paper
mache?
Let's face it (pun not intended), if we knew why the wind always blows
directly into your face, we would be employed by the United States
Meteorological Foundation, and not sitting in this radiation-infested wind tunnel.
This is the last issue of the C.C. READER until next term. We would like to
thank all those who have submitted questions. They are greatly appreciated-keeP
them coming. Enjoy the "break" while it lasts.
WE DON'T
And about that "full strength at
tack." It was four of them and me. I see
that my performance was good enough
for them to list me as a "force." And I
was not beaten back! Despite bleeding
around the mouth, eyes, and hand, I
repeatedly drove back the enemy, who
had his sword broken in the fight.
EKM warriors entered my house
only by my invitation to have a beer. It is
believed that between one and three of
the enemy were sufficiently disappoint
ed in their leader's actions that they
have withdrawn from EKM.
The "counterrevolutionary" article is
unsurpassed in untruths and falsehoods
even by the Soviet Tass news agency.
An outside suggestion to sue the C.C.
Reader for libel was rejected unani
mously as a fagged-out idea, although
some sanctions are in order for the paper
to have printed such a blatant, cheap
imitation of this article. To take a quote
from the movie Network: "I'm mad as
hell, and I'm not going to take it any
more!" I didn't start this war, but I'm
sure as hell going to end it!!!
Friday, February 13
Victory is mine!!! In a surprise,
lightning-quick raid, I and two other
commandoes captured the EKM star
base at approximately 8 p.m. The base
defense force surrendered without a
FOOL
fight, and I captured the entire enemy
arsenal of weapons! We put up our flag
and a demand for surrender before
leaving for a victory party. Later reports
indicated that our flag was burned! Low,
real low! I thought only Iranians did
that! But no matter, I have the trump
cards now, I am in control.
Monday, February 16
The surrender terms for EKM are as
follows: there are no terms! Total sur
render is the only way for EKM to
retrieve their weapons. Nothing short of
total capitulation will suffice! Members
of EKM (excluding the commander): I
know you are disillusioned with your
leader; a coup d'etat is no longer
necessary. You are asked to negotiate a
separate peace and join me and my
group for lots of fun.
I would like to apologize to the
innocent civilian caught up in our raid
Friday night. It was not my intention to
involve a non-combatant.
News from Kabul: Kemo and Damien
did well in the "World Tag Team
Chainsaw Death Match," but placed
second. Their remains are to be shipped
back in a Eureka vacuum cleaner bag.
(Eureka was the official vacuum cleaner
of the competition.)
And that's the way it is. I'm Colonel
S.C. Anon-good night.
Paw 5
Blown Away