Friday, Feb. 8, 1980
TAT! f an t as y Islapd
Scene a small strip of
beach on Three Mile Island.
(Dr. Gross strolls along, talk
ing to himself.)
page 6
Editor's note: This satirical
play appeaied in the Jan. 24
issue of the C.C. Reader;
however, because it was im
properly layed-out, it was dif
ficult if not impossible to read.
Therefore it is repeated in its
entirety so that you may
appreciate it honestly.
By Jeff Drinnan
Due to irreparable damage
to the nuclear plant and public
protest, Three Mile Island is
being used for a vacation
resort and is now Fantasy
Island. The following is an
account, in playscript form, of
the island under this new use.
Scene: Three Mile Island. Mr.
Roarke and Tattoo stand at a
clearing on the island, looking
towards Harrisburg Interna
tional Airport.
Tattoo: The plane, the plane!!
(A DC 10 crashes into a
cooling tower.)
Tattoo: Bawth! Look! Did you
see that?
Mr. Roarke: Yes Tattoo.
Don't be alarmed. That hap
pened in reality and, conse
quently, is no concern of ours.
Ah, here comes the Fantasy
Island Plane now.
(The plane lands and people
deplane.)
Tattoo: Who's that, bawth?
Mr. Roarke: That is Mr.
Walter Critz, president of
Metropolitan Edison, the
electric power company which
had an unfortunate event on
this island.
Tattoo: You mean he had a
party that someone pooped,
bawth?
Mr. Roarke: I suppose you
could say that, Tattoo. Evi
dently, Mr. Critz is suffering
from a misprojected image.
You see, Tattoo, he is not the
lovable character in the eyes
of many people around Har
risburg as he feels he should
be. His fantasy is to restore
his image as a nice guy.
.(Mr. Critz approaches Mr.
Roarke and Tattoo.)
Mr. Roarke: Welcome to Fan
tasy Island, Mr. Critz.
Mr. Critz: Thank You, Mr.
Roarke. I've come to you in
time of great crisis. Can you
restore my image?
Mr. Roarke: Mr. Gritz, this is
Fantasy Island. Anything is
possible.
Tattoo: Who's the next visi
tor?
Mr. Roarke: That is Mr. I.
Conum, a Nuclear Regulatory
official, Tattoo.
Tattoo: Oh yes. Didn't they
recently announce that the
amount of radiation received
by any person during the
March 28 event was like
smoking 30 cigarettes in a
lifetime?
Mr. Roarke: Yes Tattoo, that
is correct.
Tattoo: How do they eon up
with stuff like that?
MR. Roarke: Ours is not to
question why. We are here
merely to provide a service.
Anyway, Mr. Conum's fantasy
is to concoct the most far
fetched story ever told and
have the public believe it -
sort of an ultimate April
Fool's joke, but with no "April
Fool" following the person
being told the joke's decep
tion.
Tattoo: Who's next?
Mr. Roarke: That man is Dr.
Theodore Gross. His fantasy
is to have Capitol Campus
become the cultural center of
the world.
(Dr. Gross nods as he passes
Tattoo and Mr. Roarke.)
Dr. Gross: Let us go then, you
and I . . .
Tattoo: Bawth?
Mr. Roarke: Yes, Tattoo?
Tattoo: Who's he talking to?
Mr. Roarke: I believe what he
just uttered was a figure of
speech. You know how these
lurnanities people are.
Scene II: Somewhere on the
island
(Some engineering students
from Capitol Campus, who
had been wandering about the
island, spot Walter Critz.)
Engineering Students: Our
hero!
Mr. Critz (smiling): Some of
my fans! Wonderful!
Engineering Students: Long
live nuclear power!
Mr. Critz: Yes, rm glad ev
irybody hasn't listened to
Chicken Little.
(Mr. Roarke and Tattoo ap
proach)
Mr. Roarke: I see you found
some fans, Mr. Critz.
Mr. Critz: Yes. These guys
and gals support me. They'll
even wearing Met Ed. T
shirts - the shirts with the
dual cooling tower emblems.
(To the students) How would
you kids like to work for me?
Female Engineer: We're not
kids! I am a woman!
Mr. Critz: I can very well see
that!
Engineering Students: Yes,
Uncle Walter, we would.
(Meanwhile. Dr. Gross
watches from behind a bush
on a nearby hill.)
Mr. Critz: Good. Now just
sign this contract . . .
Dr. Gross: Don't do it,
Faustus!
(Mouths agape, everyone
looks at Dr. Gross, as he is
now visible.)
Dr. Gross: Away, Mephisto
pheles! Don't tempt those
students!
Mr. Critz: The names Critz.
Walter Critz.
Dr. Gross: A rose by any
other name is still a rose.
Mr. Critz (to the students):
What a strange person!
Tattoo: Isn't that what people
said about Pete Rose's
daughter.
Mr. Roarke: What's that,
Tattoo? Oh, yes. Pete Rose's
alleged illegitimate daughter.
A Rose by any other name is
still a Rose.
Students: Hey! He's the guy
who foiled the plan to finish
the beer pipeline.
An Engineering Junior: What
,s the beer pipeline?
Seniors: It's an engineering
project which would convert
the towers here to cool beer
instead of water and will
pump beer to the student
center.
Junior: That's a good idea.
(A voice booms over a loud
speaker)
Voice: Of course it's a good
idea!
Everyone: What was that?
Mr. Roarke: That was R.I.
Diculus, the originator of the
beer pipeline idea. He is the
standard for engineering ide
as just as Monty Python is the
model for absurdist humor.
Students: Let's go get 'em
Mr. Critz: Who? Diculous or
this beer pipeline (oiler?
(Dr. Gross runs off. The stu
dents pursue. Dr. Gross ducks
behind a bush and hides.
Frustrated, the students give
up the chase.)
Mr. Critz: Don't worry about
him -- we'll work something
out. After all, Capitol Campus
has a public relations depart
ment.
Dr. Gross: Do I dare disturb
the universe? Do I dare? Do I
dare?
(I. Conum approaches.)
I. Conum: Nice beach
Dr. Gross: Yes, it is
I. Conum: I'm here to see if
the fish are doing their job of
eating up all the radioactive
water.
Dr. Gross: What's this?
I. Conum: Yes. We, the NRC,
have stocked the Susque
hanna with radiation-absorb-
Mg fish -- Radia Absorbis
Maximus. They suck up rad
iation like boron control rods
in a nuclear plant and then are
washed up on the shore.
Dr. Gross: What do you do
with the radioactive fish?
I. Conum: We ship them, one
by one, to hospitals where
their radiation is used in
X-ray machines.
Dr. Gross: How do you trans
port them?
I. Conum: We flush them
down a toilet and they're
carried through lead pipes
directly to the X-ray room.
Dr. Gross: Very interesting.
So it's a lead-pipe cinch. I just
wish that enlightening people
to culture could be done so
readily.
I. Conum: It can
laboratory.
Dr. Gross: That may very
well be. My associates and I
have decided to start a science
center at the college where
I'm provost. One must not put
all his eggs in one basket.
Scene IV: The plane boarding
area.
(Through master diplomacy,
Mr. Roarke has worked out an
agreement between Mr. Critz,
Mr. Conum, the StudentsAuld
Dr. Gross.)
Mr. Roarke: Now the Frank
N. Stein Memorial Science
Center can be built, the beer
pipeline project can go full
steam ahead, and the public
relations office can have a
branch at TMI information
center, and we can all be
friends.
Scene V: The student center
Dr. Gross (raising a beer
mug): Friends, Nukes and
countrymen, lend me your
ears. Danceteller will no , "
present a tribute to the beer
pipeline. Curtain!
Dr. Gross (to a humanities
colleague): I told you I'd pack
them in somehow!
Humanities Colleague: Yes.
And it should be a staggering
performance!
HELLO?
Is nizik.
Aftte
LIMNING?
Bob Hope
says:
"Red Cross
can teach pu
first aid.
And first aid
can bea
life saver:"
in the
ENERGY.
We can't
afford to
waste it.
C.C. Reader