Page 4
By Jeff Drinnan
Due to irreparable damage
to the nuclear plant and public
protest, Three Mile Island is
being used for a vacation
resort and is now Fantasy
Island. The following is an
account, in playscript form, of
the island under this new use.
Scene: Three Mile Island. Mr.
Roarke and Tattoo stand at a
clearing on the island, looking
towards Harrisburg Interna
tional Airport.
Tattoo: The plane, the plane!!
(A DC 10 crashes into a
cooling tower.)
Tattoo: Bawth! Look! Did you
see that?
Mr. Roarke: Yes Tattoo.
Don't be - alarmed. That hap
pened in reality and, conse
quently, is no concern of ours.
Ah, here comes the Fantasy
Island Plane now.
(The plane lands and people
deplane.)
Tattoo: Who's that, bawth?
Mr. Roarke: That is Mr.
Walter Critz, president of
Metropolitan Edison, the
electric power company which
had an unfortunate event on
this island.
Tattoo: You mean he had a
party that someone pooped,
bawth?
Mr. Roarke: I suppose you
could say that, Tattoo. Evi
dently, Mr. Critz is suffering
from a misprojected image.
You see, Tattoo, he is not the
lovable character in the eyes
of many people around Har
risburg as he feels he should
be. His fantasy is to restore
his image as a nice guy.
(Mr. Critz approaches Mr
Roarke and Tattoo.)
Mr. Roarke: Welcome to Fan
tasy Island, Mr. Critz.
Mr. Critz: Thank You, Mr.
Roarke. I've come to you in
time of great crisis. Can you
restore my image?
Mr. Roarke: Mr. Critz, this is
Fantasy Island. Anything is
possible.
Tattoo: Who's the next visi
tor?
Mr. Roarke: That is Mr. I.
Conum, a Nuclear Regulatory
official, Tattoo.
Tattoo: Oh yes. Didn't they
recently announce that the
amount of radiation received
by any person during the
March 28 event was like
smoking 30 cigarettes in a
lifetime?
Mr. Roarke: Yes Tattoo, that
is correct.
fantasy Island
Dr. Gross: Do I dare disturb
the universe? Do I dare? Do I
dare?
(I. Conum approaches.)
I. Conum: Nice beach
Dr. Gross: Yes, it is
I. Conum: I'm here to see if
the fish are doing their job of
eating up all the radioactive
water.
Dr. Gross: What's this?
I. Conum: Yes. We, the NRC,
have stocked the Susque
hanna with radiation-absorb
ing fish -- Radia Absorbis
Maximus. They suck up rad
iation like boron control rods
in a nuclear plant and then are
washed up on the shore.
Dr. Gross: What do you do
with the radioactive fish?
I. Conum: We ship them, one
by one, to hospitals where
their radiation is used in
X-ray machines.
Dr. Gross: How do you trans
port them?
I. Conum: We flush them
down a toilet and they're
carried through lead pipes
directly to the X-ray room.
Dr. Gross: Very interesting.
So it's a lead-pipe cinch. I just
wish that enlightening people
to culture could be done so
readily.
I. Conum: It can
laboratory.
Dr. Gross: That may very
well be. My associates and I
have decided to start a science
center at the college where
I'm provost. One must not put
all his eggs in one basket.
Scene IV: The plane boarding
area.
(Through master diplomacy,
Mr. Roarke has worked out an
agreement between Mr. Critz,
Mr. Conum, the Students, and
Dr. Gross.)
Mr. Roarke: Now the Frank
N. Stein Memorial Science
Center can be built, the beer
pipeline project can go full
steam ahead, and the public
relations office can have a
branch at TMI information
center, and we can all be
friends.
Scene V: The student center
Dr. Gross (raising a beer
mug): Friends, Nukes and
countrymen, - lend me your
ears. Danceteller will now
present a tribute to the beer
pipeline. Curtain!
Thursday, Jan. 24, 1980
Mr. Critz: Good. Now just
sign this contract . . .
Dr. Gross: Don't do it,
Faustus!
(Mouths agape, everyone
looks at Dr. Gross, as he is
now visible.)
Dr. Gross: Away, Mephisto
pheles! Don't tempt those
students!
Mr. Critz: The names Critz
Walter Critz.
Dr. Gross: A rose by any
other name is still a rose.
Mr. Critz (to the students)
What a strange person!
Tattoo: Isn't that what people
said about Pete Rose's
daughter.
Mr. Roarke: What's that,
Tattoo? Oh, yes. Pete Rose's
alleged illegitimate daughter.
A Rose by any other name is
still a Rose.
Students: Hey! He's the guy
who foiled the plan to finish
the beer pipeline.
An Engineering Junior: What
is the .beer pipeline?
Seniors: It's an engineering
project which would convert
'he towers here to cool beer
instead of water and will
pump beer to the student
center.
Junior: That's a good idea.
(A voice booms over a loud
speaker)
in the
Voice: Of course it's a good
Everyone: What was that?
Mr. Roarke: That was R.I.
Diculus, the originator of the
beer pipeline idea. He is the
standard for engineering ide
as just as Monty Python is the
model for absurdist humor.
Students: Let's go get 'em
Mr. Critz: Who? Diculous or
this beer pipeline foiler?
(Dr. Gross runs off. The stu
dents pursue. Dr. Gross ducks
behind a bush and hides.
Frustrated, the students give
up the chase.)
Mr. Critz: Don't worry about
him -- we'll work something
out. After all, Capitol Campus
has a public relations depart
ment.
Scene III: a small strip of
beach on Three Mile Island.
(Dr. Gross strolls along, talk
ing to himself.)
Tattoo: How do they come up
with stuff like that?
MR. Roarke: Ours is not to
question why. We are here
merely to provide a service.
Anyway, Mr. Conum's fantasy
is to concoct the most far
fetched story ever told and
have the public believe it
sort of an ultimate April
Fool's joke, but with no "April
Fool" following the person
being told the joke's decep
tion.
Tattoo: Who's next?
Mr. Roarke: That man is Dr.
Theodore Gross. His fantasy
is to have Capitol Campus
become the cultural center of
the world.
(Dr. Gross nods as he passes
Tattoo and Mr. Roarke.)
Dr. Gross: Let us go then, you
and I . . .
Tattoo: Bawth?
Mr. Roarke: Yes, Tattoo?
Tattoo: Who's he talking to?
Mr. Roarke: I believe what he
just uttered was a figure of
speech. You know how these
humanities people are.
Scene II: Somewhere on the
island
(Some engineering students
from Capitol Campus, who
had been wandering about the
island, spot Walter Critz.)
Engineering Students: Our
hero!
Mr. Critz (smiling): Some of
my fans! Wonderful!
Engineering Students: Long
live nuclear power!
Mr. Critz: Yes, I'm glad ev
erybody hasn't listened to
Chicken Little.
(Mr. Roarke and Tattoo ap
proach)
Mr. Roarke: I see you found
some fans, Mr. Critz. ''
Mr. Critz: Yes. These guys
and gals support me. They'r
even wearing Met Ed. T
shirts -- the shirts with the
dual cooling tower emblems.
(To the students) How would
you kids like to work for me?
Female Engineer: We're not
kids! I am a woman!
Mr. Critz: I can very well see
that!
Engineering Students: Yes,
Uncle Walter, we would.
(Meanwhile, Dr. Gross
C.C. Reader
watches from behind a bush
on a nearby hill.)
Dr. Gross (to a humanities
colleague): I told you I'd pack
them in somehow!
Humanities Colleague: Yes.
And it should be a staggering
performance!
Movie
Review
Slalig owil-skied
By Shirley Stevens
"Starting Over," starring
the glamorous trio, Candice
Bergen, Burt Reynolds and
Jill Clayburgh, has scenes in it
which drop any pretense of
glamor. Jill Clayburgh's nose
runs in front of the camera,
and Candice Bergen opens her
throat to sing and what comes
out is anything but melodic.
And Burt Reynolds is looking
anything but glamorous in his
green army jacket and jeans.
Despite the clever distrac
tions, "Starting Over" isn't the
least bit touching. If a story
about a man going through a
lonely separation doesn't open
a little cut somewhere, then
the humor it is supposed to
evoke seems superficial.
Now for the good news.
Candice Bergen may be the
only reason anyone, needs to
see this picture. If you need
even more incentive, then you
might be attracted by the
characters. Even though
nothing of substance is said
throughout the picture, the
characters are so glossy that
they manage to say nothing
well. In one scene where Burt
Reynolds and Candice Bergen
are marketing together, she
asks him what kind of coffee
he would like. His wry reply
is, "Colombian". Her wry re
sponse is, "Then we might as
well get Folger's;'. Burt
Reynolds suffers an acute
anxiety attack in the middle of
a department store. Twenty
five people offer him a valium.
Okay, mildly funny.
The plot revolves around a
marital split and Burt
Reynold's vacillation between
his ex-wife and his new girl
friend. He ends up happily
ever after with the girl friend
(Clayburgh). Clayburgh is
getting monotonous with that
contemporary, hip, blah style
that repeats itself in all her
roles. Given the trite nature
of picture, there is very little
to review. Leaving the the
ater I thought, "I can't wait to
see "The Rose."