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Beer shortage hand led
By the Hand
I thought I'd seen and felt
it all until I went to a New
Year's party a few nights ago.
Soon after I arrived, I found
myself wrapped around a
mixed drink -- a pins -cuticle if
I recall correctly. When what
to my wondering nails did
appear but a C.C. student --
without his beer! After set
ting down my drink, I crawled
over to him (never did hold
my liquor very well) to find
out what had brought about
this deplorable state of af
fairs.
I had to rap my knuckles
on his toes a few times, but I
finally got his attention. Upon
questioning him on his sober
ing condition, all he could do
was mumble something about
the end of social life as we
know it. When I pressed him
for more information, he only
whimpered and turned away.
With my curiosity now
highly aroused, I decided to
take things into myself and
start an investigation into
these most puzzling circum
stances. What I learned was
enough to give even a steady
extremity like myself the
shakes! There was actually an
acute shortage of the sustain
ing suds in Middletown and
surrounding suburbs! Further
inquiries into this matter led
me to the office of R. I.
Diculus, chief of operations .
for Metropolitan-Edison.
Rather handily, Diculus
also happened to have a hand
in' the local chapter of A.A.
It seemed that Met-Ed had
found a new use for the sacred
brew. If just the right amount
of beer was mixed with the
contaminated water in the
bottom of the containment
building, the solution would
be neutralized. There is no
scientific explanation for it,
but it has been experimental.
ly proven that the carcinogens
present in beer and those in
radioactive water cancel each
other out. This leaves a safe,
crisp, clean-tasting liquid
which really packs a wallop.
Combined with the fact that
Met-Ed is now paying its TMI
workers $3.10 per hour plus
all they can drink, this discov
ery had brought about the
serious shortage in the area.
Met-Ed had been buying
almost every ounce of the
likeable liquid as fast as local
distributors could ship it in.
They only left us Bartel's.
After making a thumb-nail
sketch of the diagram ex
plaining the process, I thumb
ed my way back to the office
to find a solution to this
problem. After hours of
wracking my wrist, I finally
put a finger on the answer.
C.C. and Met-Ed should draft
an agreement to cooperative
ly buy the happy juice directly
from the brewers. This would
allow students to purchase
beer at a discount rate, as
well as keeping the electric
bills of Met-Ed customers at a
minimum. I wanted to give
myself a pat on the back for
this stroke of genius, but
that's kind of hard to do when
you don't have a back. So I
settled for shaking myself.
Preventing C.C. from dry
ing up, fighting inflationary
prices, holding down energy
costs -- all in a day's work for .
The Hand
NEED AN EASY
ART-TIME JOB?
Sera-Tec can help you earn extra
money during your years in
Middletown. By donating plasma,
you'll be helping in the treatment
of hemophilia, leukemia and other
diseases, an d Sera-Tec wiN pay for your
time.
am at least s6B per month
Stop by or give us a call when you get
into town.
Ca11:2.32-1901,
We are Open Mon. - Thurs. 8:45 a.m. - 7:00 p.m
Friday 8:45 a.m. - 4:00 p.m.
260 REILY STREET, HARRISBURG
Mr. Levine at work in the Capitol Campus (Heindel) Library's
new circulation desk area.
An ongoing, nine-week,
stress reduction and personal
growth group will be offered
to students beginning on
Wednesday, January 16, 1980
through March 19, 1980. Ses
sions will be held from 1:30 -
3:30 p.m. in the Counseling
Center.
There is no fee for this of
fering, but registration is lim
ited to twelve people.
A pre-registration ap
pointment must be made with
SENA TIC MMUS
Stress reduction
workshop
photo by Mike Kondor
Ed Beck, the workshop lead
er, before Tuesday, January
15, 1980. Registration will be
on a first come, first served
basis.
The workshop will be de
signed primarily for student
stress-related problems and
stress management for stu
dents. Through examination
of stressful concerns of the
participants, individuals will
be encouraged to develop
more productive and less
stress-producing coping
strategies.
The nine-week session will
give all participants a chance
to'monitor their progress and
to share their development
with group members.
This workshop is part of
the "Directions '79-'80"
Chssifieds
EARN AT LEAST $6B per
month for four hours of your
time per week. Donate plasma
at Sera-tec Biologicals. Open
Monday thru Thursday from
8:45 a.m. to 7 p.m. and Friday
from 8:45 a.m. to 4 p.m. Stop
in at 260 Reily Street, Harris
burg, or call for information at
232-1901.
STUDENT COURT -- Any
Junior interested in serving
on the Student Court should
contact Keith Yundt; Church
Hall 136, Mailbox in room
W-110, or call 944-9338.
SGA -- We're going to make
Student Government Work!
... and you can be a part of it.
Stop by W-1.10