One Last Shot
by jeff drinnan
Although the future for
Three Mile Island seems bleak
-- multipal court injunctions, a
badly damaged reactor and
less than ideal public relations
officials there are not ready
to throw in the towel.
According to R.l.
Diculous, public relations
representative at TMI infor
mation center, Metropolitian
Edison has plans which will
pull itself out of its apparent
slump and will restore power.
“To do this, explained Dic
ulous, “our ideologies must
go full steam ahead, unhamp
ered by the wims of various
individuals. As public rela
tions representative, I foster
positive thinking and inform
the public so as to help
disipline the chaos that a
bounds all around us.”
“To that end, Diculous
continued, “I plan to inform
the public at large through
phamplets, films, through
talks, such as the one I’m
having with you now and
through the media. We have to
rectify the media, however,
since discordinant elements in
our society have rendered it
ineffective. Even our surro
gates, the Commonwealth of
Pennsylvania and the Nuclear
Regulatory Commission, have
not been completly dillegent
in conforming to the rules of
properly informing the pub
lic.”
Diculous plans to author
ize public relations people to
insure that the media con
forms to nuciear doctrine and
. to keep it tree' of Bolshevik,
influence.
“Our people would collect
all publications related to
nuclear power and take it to a
committee for screening,”
Diculous said. "To deal with
heretical material, we will em
ploy people to file it and
systematically throw it down a
chute, where it will disinte
grate in an inferno. We plan to
have the inferno operating by
1984.” Diculous said.
“Do to efforts innimicalto
us, Diculous continued,
“Deople have lost faith in us,
:he Commonwealth ofPennsyl-
vania, ana the Nuclear Reg
ulatory Commission. People
shouldrememberwhatweandour
surrogates are doing in this
country. For us to be more
effective, the Susquehanna
River and the surrounding
community should be entrust
ed to us to provide living
space. Geopolitics is a facet
condusive to our goals.”
Diculous believes that the
community, like the nuclear
family, must follow its proper
function. Each part should
orbit around the center.
“Sometimes a member
must be sacrificed for the
good of the whole. This is
important for the survival of
the species,” Diculous said
TMI plans to open tours
and a campground for Boy
Scouts and other youth
groups on the island.
“Forming their character
will be our responsibility as
we will organize a Youth For
nukes program. The youth will
be out eyes and ears in the
community, watching and lis
tening for Bolshevikism,” stated
Diculous.
“We are proud to serve our
community,” Diculous said.
“Before Ed took over TMI,
the community was plagued
with inflation, unemployment
and depression. The island
was but a haven for farmers
who grew corn and tomatoes.
Can a democracy produce
this?” exclaimed Diculous,
pointing to the cooling tow
ers.
“Met. Ed. is deliberat
ing on an emblem for the
cooling tower. I have sug
gested using the decals which
were popular in Germany in
the 1930’5. It would be a lovely
touch of nostalgia,” Diculous
said, grinning like the Che
shire Cat.
T 0 unifyief fortaof communi
cation and to avoid creating a
tower of Babble, the Minister
of Language (the NRC), has
drawn up an encvlopedia of
nuclear terminology Below are
a few excerpts from this publi
cation :
Acceptable amount of radia
tion:
The amount of radiation a
particular community will ac
cept at a particular time and
place.
The amount varies with
respect to temperature, hu
midity, wind speed and direc
tion and political climate. In
the event that more radioactive
material Is given to the com
munity than they will accept,
it is put in doggie bags for
later occacions.
An acceptable level is cal
culated on the half life, which
uses the amount of cats (or
cat) which could be killed by
radiation as a standard. One
cat death would register 1.8
cat half-lives (on the cat a
tropic scale), since a cat has
nine lives. (See half-life).
Half Life
The potential malfunction
ing of half a person life, or 3.5
cat half-lives, do to an event.
(See event). A half life could
be prevented by getting out of
the right side of bed and
keeping your sunny side up,
as people did during the Great
Depression. A half-life is
sometimes used to treat
schizophrenia.
Event
When in the course of
human proceedings, a radio
active anomoly occurs. This is
sometimes referred to as an
irregularity. It can be remedied
by dropping a large bottle of
Kaopectate down a nuclear
plants cooling tower.
Stable
When one speaks of a
nuclear plants stability, one is
talking about its emotional
state. If a plant becomes un
stable, it must be taken to a
psychiatrist. If a psychiatrist
is not available, some people
gently talk to a nuclear plant,
reassuring it that they are not
angry at it for past events; to
restore its proper constitution.
Low Level Radiation
Radiation which stays no
higher than three feet above
the ground. To survive low
level radiation, one must re
main three feet off the ground.
An alternative to evacuation,
therefore is wearing stilts.
People should go about their
business as usual, going to
stores, to college, eating
meals, while sitting at the
table (provided it is over three
feet high) and driving cars
(sitting on the roof of course).
If stilts are not available,
children are evacuated - first,
starting with those who
haven’t learned to walk, first;
since these rug rats spend
most of their time crawling on
the floor.
How I spent my summer vacation
On the first day of summer
vacation, I unpacked. On the
second day of summer vaca
tion, I unpacked. An on the
third day of summer vacation,
I unpacked some more. On the
fourth day I started to repack
...., and the fifth and the
sixth. I wish I could say I
rested on the seventh day, but
I did not. Instead, I jumped in
my car and headed for my
summer job as archery direc
tor at Camp Tuckahoe, the
summer camp for York-Adams
Area Council, Boy Scouts of
America.
One might say that I got
closer to God this summer.
My assigned living space was
a storage room of the camp
chapel, which turned out to be
a mouse and cricket infested
hovel.
One of the first things I did
upon arrival was check out the
“archery range” where I would
work for the next seven weeks.
The archery range turned out
to be a small clearing in the
woods with knee-high weeds,
dozens of snakes and 24 bales
of straw dumped in the mid
dle.
While setting up the range
I got a brief, but stinging,
reminder that camp can be
dangerous when I stepped on
a nest of hornets. This was my
first, but by no means my last,
encounter with stinging in
sects. One week later I slept
through my alarm clock and
woke up at 7:55 a.m. (break
fast was at 8 a.m.). I jumped
into my uniform, sprinted out
of my humble abode, locked
the door, took two steps, and
got stung in the eye by a
yellow jacket. It’s a nice way
High Level Radiation
Radiation which starts
from three feet above the
ground and goes up. To sur
vive high level radiation,
people must duck under the
three foot level. The rug rat
has a distinct advantage for
survival here, and the rest of
the population during high
level events would do well to
emulate them, eating meals
on the floor, crawling to
stores, to college, etc. In the
case of rug rats, while high
chairs are useful during low
level events, they should be
disreguarded during high level
events.
Addend:
By using the methods des
cribed above, someone com
ing into a community would
know that a nuclear event is
taking place. This eliminates
the need for electronic com
munications and is a more
efficient way to alert the pop-
ulous. Seeing an entire com
munity crawling about or
walking on stilts would indi
cate what sort of event is
taking place.
to start off a day. I recommend
that everyone try it sometime.
Then there was the day I
arrived at my 9 a.m. archery
class.to face angry students. I
don’t know why they were
mad. Maybe they didn’t like
the breakfast. Or maybe it was
related to the fact that I didn’t
show up until 9:50 a.m. that
day (I slept until 9:45).
One thing I learned this
summer was empathy with
junior high school teachers.
Have you ever tried to keep
order while simultaneously
teaching archery to a group of
35 eleven-fourteen year-olds
with the help of a lone assis
tant who thinks a bow is
something girls put in their
hair?
There were some good ex
periences, though. The clear
blue skies of the afternoon,
fiery sunsets over the moun
tain, star-filled skies at night,
swarms of gnats around your
face for a constant source of
protein, ninety degree days
with one hundred per cent
humidity to keep your weight
down. And we can’t forget the
oxygen producing trees which
liked to jump into the trail at
night when your flashlight
batteries wore out.
Things are not always what
they seem. It was a good
summer. It was a fantastic
experience. But it’s great to be
back from nature and in my
own environment again.
If a genius is the next thing to
an idiot, then a good leader is
the next thing to a derelict.