A Little "Fartisous" Humor
The behavior you display
while farting reveals alot about
your personality, says a noted
Seattle psychologist and aut
hor.
"Everyone flatulates from
time to time," said Dr. Stokes,
"and the manner in which one
flatulates is highly revealing."
Dr. Stokes, author of "Cre
ative Flatulence," explained
how the way you fart can reveal
your personality.
"Suppose you enjoy an occa
sional fart while bathing; this is
by all means normal and shows
that you are adventurous and
(unloving. The more inveterate
tub-farters, commonly known
as snarfs, are extremely fun
loving and pleasure seeking.
Snarls relish the pleasur
able sensation of tingling fart
bubbles darting between their
legs," Dr. Stokes said.
"People who fart frequently
while walking have a clear
sense of direction and save time
when possible. In addition,
these people are optimists,
leaving foul experiences behind
them. They are always ready to
move on to fresher situations.
"People who retain or
attempt to retain all farts until
out of the public earshot know
well the value of self-discipline.
However, they may be secre
tive, shy, and obviously under a
lot of pressure. Fart retainers
are generally not very trust
worthy.
"Some people fart uninten
tionally while exerting muscu
lar energy, lifting heavy items,
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Good People's Productions, a student organization
on campus, will sponsor a jazz concert featuring noted
tenor saxophone artist Stanley Turrentine, plus special
guest performers, at the Forum in Harrisburg on Fri.,
Feb. 16 at 8:00 p.m.
llckets are notw on sale at the student activities
office, Forum box office, Music Scene and Budget
Disco Tape locations.
lickets cost $5 for students with LD.'s, $6.50 for
general public, and !7.50 at the door the night of the
show.
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for instance. This is called the
exertion fart. Not premedita
ted, the exertion fart is totally •
unplanned and entirely spon
taneous. Hence, because of
their impromptu nature, exer
tion farts may be giggled at,
but by no means taken serious
ly.
"Then there are those who
exhibit the 180 degree T&S
(tam & sniff). After farting,
the individual turns his head
180 degrees to the rear, as if
looking behind him, and sniffs.
After assessing the nasal
quality of the fart, he assumes
his normal posture. These indi
viduals are extremely curious
and respond best to immediate
reinforcement. They also have
well developed musculature of
the neck."
Dr. Stokes notes that hu
man ingenuity never quits, es
pecially when contriving meth
ods to conceal farts when or
after they are expelled. He
explained that many people use
"flatulence neutralization"
when farting in public, espec
ially in church.
"We can experience flatu
lence in two ways: either by its
odor, or by its sound, or by
both. If we somehow alter the
odor and/or sound of a fart so
that it is incomprehensible as
such, flatulence neutralization
has taken place.
"The sneeze & fart syn
drome is an example of flatu
lence neutralization. Sensing an
impending fart, the person
feigns a sneeze at the precise
moment, thus , squelching the
head-turning sound of the fart
with the neutral sound of the
sneeze. •
However, the odor of the
fart -- not being neutralized --
quickly' pervades the area, thus
leading • people to believe that
the sneezer has a serious case
of halitosis.
"Other people attempt to
completely neutralize the fart
by simultaneously sneezing and
lighting a match while farting.
Although effective when
done properly, this method may
indeed be embarrasing when
done incorrectly.
The individual who sneezes,
then strikes alnatch, and then
farts loudly in public will un
doubtedly turn a few heads."
Dr. Stokes pointed out that
before the layman can hope to
have a working • knowledge of
flatulence interpretation, he
must have mastered some basic
terms. For example:•
SBD (silent but deadly or deva
stating) Belieyed to be a sound
less, uncommonly malodorous,
quickly permeating fart that
has been known to cause con
fusion, mistrust, and even di
vorce. •
However, since nobody has
ever actually admitted to ex
pelling an SBD to another per
son, their existence cannot be
proved, and hence, the SBD
may just be another natural
phenomenon. •
C.C. Pre-School Center
Offers Free Help
How many three year old
children do you know who don't
make noise, don't get into Mom
and Dad's way and don't mind
going to bed early?
This may seeem to be an
ideal situation to parents whose
children write on the walls, and
throw tantrums at bedtime, but
the Jones' didn't feel that way.
Carla Jones is a healthy
three year old child who looks
like any other healthy three
year old. Her parents became
concerned because she didn't
talk or play or cry like other
three year olds.
Carla was perfectly content
to sit alone in her room while
her brothers played games or
watched television. When she
went to the playground with
SCL (single cheek lift) Takes
place when the flatulater subtly
elevates either the right or left
musculature of the glutaeus
maximus approximately one to
two inches off of the chair seat
and proceeds to fart, usually in
short bursts of one to one and a
half seconds in length. The
cheek may be elevated several
times during any one session.
one lift for each burst.
DCL (double cheek lift) Similar
to the SCL except that both
cheeks are elevated to accom
odate a more powerful fart. The
DCL may range anywhere from
two to sixty seconds, depending
of course, on the endurance and
diet of the flatulater.
DCL's lasting longer than 45
seconds have been known to
shred the underwear and cause
second degree burns. The cor
relation between farts of the
DCL variety and forest fires is
now under investigation.
FHB (the foghorn blast) An
extremely powerful, bellowing
fart, the FHB has a thunderous
decibel level that may be easily
mistaken for a small explosion.
(Caution: may cause permanent
olfactory and auditory
damage). FHB farts have long
been suspected for causing the
cracks in plaster walls.
Dr. Stokes' book, "Creative
Flatulence," discusses some
creative approaches to farts.
her family, she'd walk around
aimlessly, and usually alone.
The Jones' doctor found
nothing wrong with Carla.
At one time a child whose
development seemed far differ
ent from that of other young
sters usually has to wait until
he or she was enrolled in
kindergarten to receive special
help.
But, now the federal gov
ernment demands equal educa
tional opportunity for all amer
icans, regardless of handicap.
Mrs. Jones heard about the
Capitol Area Intermediate Un
it's Pre-School Program from a
neighbor. Much to her surprise,
HP studio. photo by bob foster
He believes that one day fart
ing will be socially advantage
ous.
•Social Equalizer --Flatulence
may provide a sense of equality
when needed. "Well, so what
if he's big and famous now, he
farts like everyone else, doesn't
her
*Artistic Possibility —Like
singing and humming. a farting
may become a viable means of
self expression.
*Social lubricant --Party goers
who are having a difficult time
getting conversation started
may break the ice by farting
•Communication Aid --Those
who are grossly inarticulate
may be taught to "farticate" or
communicate by farting
*Mood Elevator -For those
who are under achievers, the
fart may provide a sense of
accomplishment
Dr. Stokes claims that the
American people suffer from
flatophobia, an unsubstantiated
fear of farts. He explained that
farting is a natural process
which shouldn't be socially un
acceptable.
"The accumulation of gas in
and the expulsion of gas from
the intestinal track is as natural
as breathing," said Dr. Stokes.
People don't complain when
you breathe in public, why
should they complain when you
fart?"
she found that this program
would evaluate Carla free of
charge.
If a child is handicapped or if
a parent thinks his or her child
might have a problem, call the
program at 234-2437.
Carla's progress is notice
able. She is beginning to play
with other children and makes
a few sounds She is benefitting
from early assistance in the
Pre-School Program.
Following Carla's evaluation
she was placed with other three
and four year olds who also had
developmental problems.
The Pre-School Program is
looking for childre three to five
who may be handicapped.
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