Columbus Seeks New Route To Spice Islands
By Julio Alvarez
MADRID - Spokesman for Captain
Christopher Columbus of Genoa an
nounced plans today to seek a new sea
route to India, China and the lands of
the East. The voyage will be funded by
King Ferdinand and Queen Isabella of
Spain.
Columbus plans to sail a fleet of three
Exclusive Karen Quinlan Interview
The following is the transcript of a
telephone interview conducted with the
hospitalized Karen Quinlan on Tuesday
March 29, her 23rd birthday.
Q. Good afternoon, Karen. How are you
feeling today?
A.
Q. Well, I won't take too much of your
time. I'd just like to ask you a few
questions. First of all, I was wondering,
ships westward into the Atlantic Ocean.
He claims that, in this way, he will
eventually reach the Far East. It is
hoped that this route will prove to be
shorter and more inexpensive that the
passage presently used, which goes
around the southern tip of Africa.
Critics of the project, however, claim
that Columbus is mad for attempting
in all the stir which your case has caused
in the national media, do you feel that
they've treated you fairly?
Q. When your parents first decided to
have your respirator turned off, they
had to go through many court hearings.
Do you think your interests were
adequately defended at these hearings?
A.
this trip. Geographical experts around
Europe, citing the fact that the earth is
flat, warn that he will probably fall off its
edge.
"It's ridiculous," one said. "How can
Columbus expect to get to the East by
sailing west? He's insane."
Queen Isabella, when asked why her
government is funding this project,
Q. What do you think the outcome would
have been if you had been present to
testify in your own behalf?
Q. Do you agree with the final outcome
of those proceedings?
A.
Q. Your doctors have classified you as a
"vegetable". Do you agree with this
term?
A.
Wlten your resptrator finally was
disconnected, you had the audacity not
to die. How do you think your parents
feel now. having spent all this time and
money on you?
A.
Q. Don't you feel low, Karen?
Q. If you ever do regain consciousness,
what will be the first thing you say to
your parents?
Q. Well, Karen, ru let you go now. This
has been a really enjoyable interview.
Thanks a lot, and happy birthday. Eat a
piece of cake for me, too.
A.
Q. By the way - what're you doing next
Saturday night?
Worm Eats
New Building
By Baffo Washaard
The New Building, located directly
across from the main entrance of the
building depicted in the photograph on
this page, has been eaten by a giant
worm, informed sources said today.
According to these same sources the
worm has sought vengeance for the
disruption of smaller worms' sleeping
quarters due to the construction of the
New Building.
According to Dr. James D. South,
who sometimes goes by the name of
Jerry, the New Building was ever nearer
to completion than this paper had
previously reported, when the worm
struck.
In an harried and confusing interview
with the worm, after it devoured the
building, the worm said, "We worms
must stand up for our rights and not let
these people step all over us."
Plans far negotiations with the worm
to consider a new site for the building
will be discussed later on this week.
replied,"To get the bastard off our
backs, He's been bugging us for months.
Personally, I hope he does fall off."
Columbus is reported to be resting in
preparation for the journey, and was
unavailable for comment. No date has
been set for his departure.
President
To Fight
Idi Amin
Washington March 32, (BOB)
Ladys and gentlemen, fellow
Americans, the unbelievable has
happened. International politics and
diplomacy will, for the first time in
history. turn into a boxing contest.
At 4cf MKS OBIT, ttU afternoon, the
president of the United States . Jimmy
Carter, will face the strong man of
Africa, Field Marshal Idi Amin, the
President of Uganda, in a free style
boxing tournament in Bermuda.
Details of the fight, labelled
"confidential," by usually reliable
sources close to the White House say
"the fight is to decide the issues once and
for all." It may be recalled that President
Carter has recently attacked Idi Amin's
violations of human rights, and that Idi
Amin did not like that at all.
CBS has been granted exclusive
rights to cover the fights. So, if you
would like to know which way
US-Uganda policy will go, do not forget
the date: Friday April 1, 1977, time
4P.M. GMT.
In other news, the president has
today signed legislation demanding that
at or before 12 midnight tonight,
thirty-five percent of all whites in
America must turn either black or
Puerto Rican. This, the president hopes,
will eliminate once and for all the
question of minority problems in the
country.
Weekend
Weather
There may be no weekend this
weekend, but if there is here's what the
weather will be like. The moon will come
up in the morning and the sun will come
up at night. Friday's temperature's will
range from low to high, but mostly high
around here! Saturday looks like it'll be
peeked. Watch out for a giant worm
storm coming from Canada. Sunday will
be much the same, but a day later. Also
on Sunday, palms are expected; wear
your sandals, ride an ass, and have a
glass of wine.