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(March 21-Aprill9)'
(April 20-May 20)
(Ame 22-July 22)
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'''' * isEO
23 -
August 2)
A Cynics Interpretation Of Ast
Your astrology traits and
horoscope for the month by Ray
[The Ozone] Martin and
Michael [The mystic] Burke.
"Well Your old time
Religions are just supersti
tious"
Mick Jagger
"The time will therefore
come when sorcerers and their
foolish beliefs will have
vanished. And man will live by
force of reason alone"
ARIES - The Arian Personality
is ruled by Man which gives
the Arian the force and the
assertiveness to power their
adventuresome pioneering
spirit.
Always, the Arian will be
the first person to pioneer a
place and after they arive, no
others will follow. This is
because Aries is as subtle as
napalm, as patient as a school of
pirahna, and about as easy to
get along with as either.
The key words in under
stanatme, a:rum aye% truly
insufferable; selfish bastard;
and `asshole'. The typical Arian,
sex life will lead to spending as
much time in a court room as a
bed. There is a bright side to
this though; thanks to the
Arian trait of loving danger of
and by itself Arians tend to die
young, by being horribly
mangled in accidents which
they brought upon themselves.
Good riddance.
***lMAM***
AMES (March 21 - Aped 19)
This is the time to buy that
bulldozer you have thinking
about. Avoid people who's
name begins with the letter
"R". Shirk all responsibilities.
TAURUS - The Taurean mind
is difficult to describe because
the average Taurus is about as
capable of thinking as any other
useless rock.
It is fortunate that Taurus
is a good business man. For a
consumer he is a self-indulgent,
disgusting pig. As a personality
he is about as exciting as a
lifetime subscription to
Presbyterian Life. Life with a
Taurean is a particularly
miserable form of slavery as
the Taurean will have no more
regard for you as his mate than
he has for his ashtrays.
The Taurean key words are;
'unbelievably stupid', 'clod',
'dull' and 'ignorant 5.0.8.'.
His idea of a satisfying
sexual experienft is throwing
empty whiskey bottles at the
players at pro football games.
His ideal professions are
loanshark or welfare cheat,
though he is usually too stupid
to succeed for long at the latter.
TAURUS - (April 20 - May 20)
Sign up for a home study
course in breathing. Ignore
calls for help, especially from
small 'children. Improve your
mind, suscibe to the National
Entpdror.
Condorcet
GEMINI - Behind the small,
light body lies a deeply schizoid
character. His inability to be a
real person will drive those
people around him honkers. He
can turn personalities on and
off like a radio causing both his
friend and enemies great
confusion. He is terrific at
faking both knowledge and
emotion though he generally
lacks both.
The keywords are 'confus
ing', 'two faced', 'slimy devil',
=4 'as Row. p=po4-12. a
roomhd Of r cmurs'. The
Geninian personality has been
described as being like an
onion. Not only for his multi
layered nature but also for his
putrid odor and strange
appearence
Sexually the Gemini is fumbling
buffoon. The rare and foolish
person who consents to having
sex with a Gemini will usually
vomit during or shortly after
the act When dealing with the
Gemini it is wise to remember
that over 85% of last year's
mass murders, suicides and
hostage situations were com
mitted by Geminis.
GEMINI May 21 - hoe 20)
Kill your self.
CANCER • Of all the symbols of
the zodiac, this is the one best
represented by its symbol, the
crab. There we have a hard as
nails, yet ugly shell hiding a
mushy, weak, yet just as ugly
character.
Their appearence is often
marred by deep worry lines and
shoe marks from people who
their snappy temper pissed off.
Their personality is con
structed on a cornerstone of
self-pity, surrounded by a
hypersensitive an over-emo
tional strains. Life with a
Cancer will make one feel like
they are trapped in a recent
Richard Burton/Liz Taylor
********•*
********ss
movie without escape.
The key words are 'touchy
little bastard', 'fag', 'slob' and
'jellyfish'. The ideal cancer
career is testing new kinds of
drugs.
CANCER (June 21 - July 22)
Make an appointment at the
nearest V.D. clinic. This is the
month you should start giving
more of yourself to others.
Check the addition on your
income tax return.
LEO - If Idi Amin is not a Leo
he certainly should be. The
Leo's opinions form at birth to 2
years of age and, along with his
emotional maturity state, bare
ly change after that. The key
words are 'overbearing', 'Pom
pous ass', and 'yes sir'.
Sexually the Leo should
only be approached on one's
knees-both before and during
the act. And above all else,
remember to say thank you
afterwards. The idea career for
a Leo is running a small
thirttivoria - countrr nits Mb
ground.
**********
LEO (July 23 • Aug. 22)
Your morning star is Mars.
Your morning sickness is your
own fault. Your moon is
between its first quarter and
full phase and your head is up
your us.
VIRGO - The Virgo lives on a
diet of Indium and Lysol. He is
often seen sitting with his nose
pressed to a TV set trying to
count the dots.
He will dress, act and think
like a IBM junior executive
afraid of losing his job. Most
Virgo' have been depressed
since the banning of DDT and
make up for'its lack by bathing
twice a day in ckrox. Sexually
the Virgo i5...ah... Sexually the
Virgo, simply isn't. The idea
Virgoan profession is civil
servant, particularly with the
IRS. The key words are 'fussy
bastard', 'clean genial', 'Felix
Unger' and `twirp'. Both
Eugene McCarthy and Nine
Live's cat, Mortis are Virgo'.
**********
VIRGO (Aus. 22 - Sept. 22)
Like the movie by the same
name you are slot easier to take
when stoned. This is the
month to work on your
paranoia. Suscribe to the Wall
Street Journal.