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Sam Finds God In The Phone Book
By Raymond Martin
I thought the afternoon
would pass slowly. I really
wasn’t expecting to find God in
the phonebook. But something
inside me prevented me from
passing up the easy solutions.
Just as I was about to tiy the
yellow pages I found it Halfway
down the second column. It just
about bit my nose off. God A.
351 E 52 St.. 666-4666. Some
thing inside me felt disap
pointed. I was at least expecting
him to have an unlisted number.
Butlcouldn'tfightfate. I picked
up the phone and dialed... no
answer. That made sense. God
would be a very busy man.
Particularly in New York. I
checked the Browning. If this
case took a weird twist it could
become my best friend. I walked
outinto the city. As I stood next
to the black bomber of an old
car, I realized Td been wrong
before. It was a ’3B alright but it
was a Buick, not an Olds. I got
in and turned it over. It sounded
like “The Spirit of St Louis”,
but it ran. Well at least it
trotted.
As I lurched and wheezed
my way to midtown, I realized it
would take some time to get
used to a pre-war standard
shift I had just found second
gear when I arrived.
It was a painfully typical
midtown highrise. I walked to
the elevator through the potted
fj,
They caught me. Another second and I could have been in bounds,
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plants. I checked the directory.
God A.—1209. I got on the
elevator, smiled for the camera,
pressed 12 and three minutes of
musak later I was standing at'
God’s door.
I knocked as respectfully as
possible. The door was
answered by a man who could
only be described as awesome.
He was 6T\ wore a dark grey
with pale yellow pinstriped,
three piece suit; he had short
brown hair just beginning to
grey. He looked like an IBM
executive enjoying a quiet
evening at home. Even down to
his condescending smile. “May
I help you?” he asked as he
gazed at me with mild distaste.
“Yes, my name is Sam Shmuck
and Tve been hired to verify that
you exist,” I said. “Please come
in," he offered.
His apartment was astound
ing. It had a lovely view of the
East River through a picture
window that made up most of
one wall. Another wall was
taken up by the biggest, most
massive fireplace Id ever seen.
On top of it was the most
gauche and yet compelling
awesome piece of statuary I
ever hope to see. It was a huge
jade eagle in full wingspread.
As I was regaining my
breath, God offered me a drink,
which I gladly accepted. As I sat
down with my rye and ginger
ale, I asked him for his first
name. He chuckled for a
\ j|jM w >
moment, looked me right in the
eye and said matter-of-factly,
“Almighty, Schmuck. I suppose
you’ll want an explanation. Well
my grandfather had his name
legally changed to God when he
found his birth name interfere
ring with his bible and hymnal
trade. Since the name change
the God family has made a
fortune in the religious equip
ment trade. And as for my first
name... well, my father had a
weird sense of humor. My
brother was named Jesus."
It is difficult to smile while
you choke on a rye and ginger
ale, but I worked it out Finally I
was able to rasp, “Then you're
not ‘The God’?”
“Well, since Jesus died in a
bathroom accident five years
ago Tve been my family’s only
God. But to answer you, Tm the
only God I know of.”
I decided I was barking up
the wrong diety. I drained my
glass, stood up and moved to
die door. I turned and said,
“Well thank you Mr. God, but
you’re not quite who-or what
Tve been hired to find.”
He turned purple and
screamed at me, “Look Me
dammit I didn’t ask you in here
to tell me I don’t exist Get your
scummy coat out of here!!”
After leaving the building I
entered a phone booth \and
dialed the number that Ms.
Famore had given me. As I was
dialing the last digit a black
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Cadillac sedan pulled up next to
the booth and die business end
of a tommy gun pointed in my
general direction. As I was
listening to the quiet ringing in
my ear, a far more attention
getting noise splattered around
me. I felt like a cockroach
caught inside an electric
typewriter. I studied the dirty
steel floor with a passion I
thought Td lost earlJy in med
school. As the /shooting
stopped and the Caddy ca
reened away, I rolled out into a
combat crouch dripping shreds
of glass along the way. I
whipped out the automatic,
ripping my coat and cutting my
forehead in the process. I
squeezed off two shots which
hit a taxi, which jammed a
nearby wall, and emitted some
half-hearted screams. As I got
my heart, stomach and intes
tines back into place I realized
the gun’s recoil had blasted me
two blocks away. I put it in my
other pocket and slowly walked
back to my car. I consoled
myself with the fact that the car
could be found again; a black
Caddy, four door, New York
registration... New York regis
tration...“ Shit,” I hissed. I
weaved through the traffic of
police cars and ambulances. I
asked myself if this was really
the stuff dreams were made of.
Right then I wouldn’t bet a pint
of Hbetean Yak urine on it I
turned and rumbled toward
Mulberry Street
”PiteiibtTA/r Font,
November 11,1976
Students
Receive
Awards
Dr. Daniel M. Poore,
chairman of the Master of
Public Administration program
at Penn State-Capitol Campus,
has announced that four
students have been awarded
Public Service Education Fel
lowships in the M.P.A program
at campus.
The fellowships come from
the U.S. Dept of Health,
Education and Welfare, under
title IX of the Higher Education
Act of 1965 and provide tuition
and a $3OOO stipend for 12
months.
The four fellowship recipi
ents are Lome B. Bottomley of
Mansfield, Ohio, a sociology/
psychology graduate of Miami
University of Ohio; Christina M.
Cox of Elizabethtown, Pa., a
social science graduate from
Penn Sate-Capitol Campus;
Gerald El Cross of Plains, Pa., a
graduate of Kings College in
political science; and Douglas
E Hill of Coraopolis, Pa., a
political science graduate from
Westminster College.
The M.P.A. program in
which the recipients participate
requires 39 graduate credits, 9
of which will require field study
work done over a period of 8
months in a state or local
government agency or health
institution. The program is
intended to prepare the
participant for a career as an
administrator or director in
local, state and federal
government, the health care
delivery system, welfare insti
tutions or other public service
organizations.
SG A Attendance
Officers
Present: Cliff Ebhbach, Ray
Martin, Carol Uhlig
Eke used: Beth Kopas
Absent: Maria Robinson, Kitty
Nestor
Present: Charles Alesky, Katie
Fee, Terry Gallagher, Lenny
Klonitsko, Vem Martin, George
Rovnack, John Stemick, Lou
Ann Mahalick
Present: Charles Cales, Nellie
Jiwani, Diane Lewis, Bill Long,
Joe Mahar, Elliot Reiff,
Christine Van Zandt
Special run-off election for
Junior SGA Senator and
Senator At-Large for Social
Science will be held on Monday,
Nov. 21, from 9:15 a.m. to 4:00
p.m. at the round table. VOTE!
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