Journal Of Sam Shmuck Private Investigator
By Raymond Martin
(To be read outloud in a
Humphrey Bogart impression.)
I guess Til begin from the
beginning, ’cause that’s always
a good place to begin. My name
is Samuel Sidney Shmuck, M.D.
Tm an ear, nose and throat
specialist There was once pride
in my profession, sort of like
being a human plumber. But
after 20 years of doing what I
love and loving what I did, Linda
Lovelace began to do her thing,
rd introduce myself at parties
as an ear, nose and throat
specialist and they’d laugh.
Never to my face though. They’d
stand in the comers glancing at
me and snickering when they
thought I couldn't see. After my
malpractice suits it got even
worse. My attorney and
insurance agent, my best
friends, refused to speak to me.
I degenerated. If anyone,
particularly women, teased me
or laughed at me, Td either jump
out of my skin or try to melt into
a nearby wall. I was becoming a
dangerous, hopless neurotic.
Td started drinking that
afternoon, as usual, at 3:30. At
ten I staggered into a triple
feature of “The Maltese
Falcon”, “The Big Sleep”, and
“Casablanca.” At three, the
usher threw me out for throwing
up on the respectable insom
niac in the row in front of me. I
staggered along Second Avenue
trying to stand straight in case
the cop a block ahead of me
turned around. Then I heard the
whistle. From the rapidly
growing shadow I knew some
myopic bastard trying to can the
cop was canning me instead. I
heard the “Marsaille” in the
background. Then darkness.
I came to. I felt like
Anaconda was stripmining
my brains. My vision was
blurred as if I was looking
through a hundred gallons of
Hudson River water, only
without the god-awful odor.
Then I saw the bottle. A pint
bottle of some kind of liquor. I
opened it a took a swig. It
tasted' like fossil fuel but it
woke me up. Then I saw it all. I
was sitting in a one room office
on the sth floor of an old
waterfront warehouse off
Mulberry Street There was an
old rotting wooden desk, an
early 30’s telephone and an old
army cot in the comer. I had on
a pair of brown and white wing
tip shoes, black, green and
white argyle socks, the wildest
cuffed pants Td seen since
college and a cmddy trenchcoat
Columbo would be proud to
own. A brown and black snap
brim fedora was sitting on the
desk; in the top drawer poking
out from under last month’s
copy of “Hustler” was a
FN/Browning 9 mm automatic.
I tried to stand and heard a
sound like the world coming to
an end. Then I realized I had
been sitting in a wooden
wheeled office chair that hadn’t
been oiled since the last
declared war. I stood at the
window and through the muck I
saw a black 1938 Oldsmobile
coupe. Without knowing how, I
knew it was mine. I heard a
chorus of a thousand rasping,
lisping voices saying
“Cashablanca.” I sat with my
feet on the desk, smiled, closed
my eyes and tried to finish the
bottle of 10W40 whatever-the
hell-it-was in five swigs or less.
The Song
By Gregory Hall
No doubt some people are
going to make an incredible
amount off of this one; and
after all, it is getting terribly
close to Christmas- think of all
those kiddies that will include
this one on their lists...
“The Song Remains The
Same” has got to go down as
one of the worst live sets ever
released to public ears by any
respected band, much less an
act the caliber of Led Zeppelin.
No quality exists within the
grooves of this, two record set
Most of it is rendered practically
unlistenable due to a mixdown
that left the recorded sound
muddy and distorted. Songs
like “Rock n’ Roll” and to a
lesser extent “Whole Lotta
Love” have been reduced to
white noise with a smathering
of crowd response thrown in for
good measure. A lack of
restraint in production has
Jimmy Page’s overpowering
The Med
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I was just finishing cleaning
up the floor when I heard the
door close. Hooked up and saw
the best looking piece Id seen
since Td flipped through the
magazine on my way to the
other piece. She smiled down at
me and said in a sex drenched
voice, “Hi. Tm Mona Famore
and I hear you’re the best in the
business.” “Funny how quick
that gets around; I didn't even
know I was in the business,” I
sweeted back at her.
She perched her lovely bod
on my desk and said, “I want
you to find someone and it
won’t be easy.” I eased my ass
onto my rotting windowsill,
smiled my “Ive done this a
thousand times before” smile,
reached into my second desk
drawer and dug a pad and pencil
out from underneath a six
month old copy of “Hustler'’
and said in a businesslike
fashion, “When was he last
Remains The Same?
jackhammer guitar chords and
licks burying most other
instruments in their wake. One
is tempted to take a nap during
Page’s over-indulgent, 15 min
ute (non-accompanied, may I
add) guitar scratching and
sawing found on one whole side
of “Dazed and Confused”.
Lead vocalist Robert Plant is
another story. Throughout he
exhibits a curious tendency to
forget lyrics, and covers his
mistakes with on-the-spot
adlib. As for his vocalizing
well, he can’t carry a tune, he
struggles to hit high notes, and
he can’t bring off one
convincing rock ’n roll scream.
All these things were previously
among his forte- until this
album, I considered him to be
rocks best vocalist
There can be no excuse fora
product as noisy, tedious and
boring as this one. Knowing
their selling power and influ
ence on the record market I
suggest one possible explana
ium Is The Message
applications and guidelines in
W-161. They should be returned
by Nov. 12.
This internship is a special
ized, advanced program offered
to selected students. It is not a
graduation requirement of the
option, but it is expected that
most students in the option will
take advantage of the opportu
nities.
The internship experience is
ordinarily undertaken by a
student in the penultimate or
last term of work at Capitol. An
applicant should have com
pleted or be enrolled for all (or
almost all) of the required
course work at the time of
application.
The internship will be
offered during the winter and
summer terms. Students
wishing to take an internship
seen, what does he look like,
who are his friends and what is
his Social Security number?”
She frowned and said, “You
don’t understand. You see, Tm
an N.Y.U. student majoring in
erotic dance and theology and if
I want to keep my 3.0 Tm going
to have to score a major coup in
theology 506, like finding God.”
“I see,” I said. “Well that’ll
cost you $500.00 a day and a full
grand any day a 300 pound
protestant minister tries to
flush me down a pay toilet, plus
expenses. Oh, and by the way,
do you want me to do a bag job
on him or just locate him? And
please, understand that I don’t
like charging extra, Jbut there are
a lot of intolerant people in this
city who won’t take too kindly to
my mucking around with their
God.” She smiled at me in a way
that made my blood pressure go
bump and said, “Well actually, I
only have $17.50 but we might
be able to make special
tion to be found in greed. & has
only been around a half year
since the release of their last
album. Everyone in the busi
ness knows the Christmas
market has the potential to
greatly enhance the wealth of
any artist who happens to have
a hit record at that time of the
year.
So, with a knowledge that
any product by a sure-bet
supergroup like Zeppelin is
guaranteed to sell a million,
why not speed the process by
releasing an album (any album
after all, even if you don’t have a
hew one ready, ybu can surely
come up with a live set or
greatest hits collection!) in this
Special season, where money
flows like water?
The only trouble is that the
Christmas record market is
already glutted by infinite other
artists more deserving your
attention, and there are far
superior albums on which to
spend your record-buying dol
lars.
during other terms must do so
as a course “by arrangement”
and subject to the procedures
thereby involved.
Applications for internships
should be filed with the option
coordinator during the first half
of the term proceeding the’
requested internship.
With an application, a
student may file copies of work,
or any other evidence of ability
to undertake, complete, and
benefit from the internship.
Applications will be re
viewed by a committee con
sisting of the option coordina
tor, the Head of the Humanities
program, and a member of the
advisory board of the option.
The committee will take
into consideration materials
submitted by the applicant, the
quality of the students previous
academic work, comments by
the student’s instructors or
other relevant materials at its
discretion.
If the application is rejected
the student will be informed in
writing of the basis for that
decision and the recommenda
tions, if any, of the committee.
Anyone interested in learn
ing to play Backgammon- sign
up in the Student Affairs Office,
W-103.
arrangements for someone as
gorgeous as you." As I moved
around the desk I said, “Well
actually, I like to work on the
“lay-a-way plan.”
The human knee is an
anatomical wonder. For it light
weight, it has remarkable
hitting power, speed and
hardness.
Through my agony I heard
her say “There is five dollars on
your desk. Just find Him, of
Her. Tm leaving my phone
number too. Call me when you
make some progress. And get
your ass in gear ’cause I only
got six weeks ’till midterms."
Thirty minutes after I heard the
door close I got up and
rummaged through my desk
until I found the Manhatten
White Pages under a three
month old copy of “Penthouse”
(Bow’d a classy mag find its
way into this desk?) I started
flipping through the G’s of the
phone book.
Eiton
Moves On
By Gregory Hall
For a while, it appeared to
the well-disiplined contempory
ear that Elton John had sold his
soul to commerciality and
disco-pop monotony. Serious
doubt abounded as to whether
Mr. John was the unchallenged
King of the seventie’s pop
music. As of late, his musical
product has indulged in
over-excess of schlock, banal
ity, and a sterile blandness
usually indicative of a talent
that has run if s gamut and is in
the slow process of drying up
and withering away.
After witnessing dwindling
album sales the past few trys,
Elton decidedly needed some
thing to reunite and reunify his
legion of fans, those same fans
that made him a household
word. He had a reconfirming of
his musical finesse to do, in
turn renewing his musical
respectability; and the results
are to be found in his latest
outing, a two record set entitled
Bine Moves.
This album sets out to prove
the critics and sceptics wrong.
Hell, everybody has their off
days-forgive and forget, right?
After such awful products such
as the disposible Caribou, Rock
of the Westies, and culminating
in the live fiasco Here and
There, we now have a record
apology to the more-expectant
of-high-artistry-and-quality lis
teners; for Blue Moves is
Elton’s finest achievement
since Madman Across The
Water, which was ten albums
ago.
Characteristic of the new
album are an obvious prevading
sense of musical maturity,
sensibility, and intelligence.
Among the four sides of vinyl,
to be found are many fresh new
melodies; sensitive and some
times moving lyrics by Bemie
Thupin (his most consistent
collection of songs ever on one
album); and beautiful soaring
instrumentation. Just listen to
the symphonic lushness of
“Tonight”, or the exotic
far-eastern tint of “Wide-eyed
and Laughing”. The new Band
Elton introduced on Rock has
finally realized their full
performing potential and talen
ted skill while working as a unit
Especially fine are Kenny
Sm Pag* s