GRADUATION ISSUE JUNE 8, 1974
Dear Editor:
It's three a.m. in the middle
of a very rough night and I just
found an old copy of the Reader
underneath my mattress. My
question: what happened to
Agamemnon O'Brien now that
will need him?
In arms,
Elmo the Thud
** * *
About the Author
Agamemnon O'Brien is a poet, lecturer, author and educator. His
first book of poetry, Squeezing the Rainbow - Ta/es of A Misspent
Youth won him not only world-wide acclaim but an Honorable
Mention at the 1952 North Korean Young People's Poetry Festival.
As a lecturer, he has few rivals. At the 1961 Parsons College
commencement exercises, Mr. O'Brien delivered his emotional
speech, "The Bay of Pigs -- New Hope for Prostitutes" and left, as
the saying goes, 'not a dry eye in the crowd.' This critic was there.
This critic agrees.
However, one sees the true genius that is Agamemnon O'Brien in
his prose. A Penny for Your Thoughts: Critical Approaches to
Negative Thinking is not only factual, insightful and informative, but
laced with wit and wisdom as well. The Frozen Love, His second
book, is a touching account of an ill-fated relationship between an
Arctic Tern and a polar bear. But this new book, Among the Dogs, is
destined to secure Mr. O'Brien's place in literary history. It is a first,
in that it is being printed in serial form in the distinguished "CC
Reader" a news and public events publication of the Capitol Campus
of the Pennsylvania State University. So whether you are a novice
Agamemnon O'Brien reader or an old fan of the master,Among the
Dogs will delight and entertain you and generations to come.
Mr. O'Brien is also Chairman of the Department of Aminal
Husbandry at Bird in Hand Junior College.
As you will remember in last week's episode, Lars Jankowski,
famous soft-core porno star, had just finished his latest film
"Healthy, Horny and Hung" and was contemplating his future. The
recent Supreme Court ruling on obscenity was expected to deeply
cut into his acting career his mind was cluttered with doubt. Could
he return to school? Would his childhood sweetheart still be waiting
for him or had she made good her promise to enter the convent if he
continued his acting? His parents. Did they still love him? As Lars
sifted these thoughts through his brain, there was a knock at the
door.
"Lars?"
"Who's there?"
"It's me, Phoenecia."
"Phoenecia who?"
"Phoenecia Tenderloin, you co-star. May I come in?"
"0.K."
Lars arose from the bed and unlocked the door. Phoenecia
...t,e,red and sat on the floor. She was beautiful. Long, red hair and
deep, liquid eyes.
"Such talent," Lars thought. "She has brought the both of us to
such heights of stardom with her amazing talent."
It was true. Phoenecia Tenderloin did have amazing talent. Only
two years old, she was the youngest and most promising star in the
business. Just six short weeks ago Semmie Vesicle, roving talent
scout from Thigh Productions Limited, had discovered her mosing
through overturned garbage cans in the alley behind the Jay-Mar
Hotel looking for food. But something about her caught Semmie's
eye. He was impressed by her style and driving determination. He
could make her a star. First she would need cleaned up. The, he
would attempt the impossible -- he would teach her to talk. Finally,
with the filming of "Healthy, Horny and Hung" only two days
away, the impossible happened. Semmie taught her to talk AND
walk upright.
The other producers would be drooling. They would recognize
Semmie's genius. Not only had he taught an Irish Setter puppy at act
and walk upright, he had taught her TO TALK! And teamed up with
Lars Kankowski, thirteen year old acting star, Semmie Vesicle knew
he had the porno film market in his hand.
The last episode, if you want to remember, found Lars
Jankowski, thirteen-year old soft-core porno film star, pondering the
new Supreme Court ruling on obscenity. He was interrupted by
Phoenecia Tenderloin, his two-year old Irish Setter co-star, in the
midst of troubled thoughts. As she sat on the floor of Lars' dressing
room, Phoenecia.sensed that all was not well with the young boy.
"Lars, is something wrong?"
"Huh?"
"Is something wrong?"
"Yes. Did you read about the new ruling on obscenity?"
"I did. It's terrible. We might be out of a job."
"Right. When we are almost at the top of our careers."
"What can we do, Lars?"
"I'm thinking, Phoenecia."
The young boy placed his hands in his face and sighed. HO he
come this far to be shot down by a handful of narrow-minded i old
men in black robes? And Phoenecia, what of her? Would she be
thrown back into the alley? No! He must think of something.
"I've got it, Phoenecia," Lars exclaimed.
"Wonderful. What is it?"
"Redeeming Social Value."
"What?" Phoenecia asked excitedly.
"Redeeming Social Value. What's our next picture?"
"A Hound in Heat," Phoenecia replied. "It's about a boy who
finds that his dog wants to do more than just fetch sticks and walk
faithfully by his side. Of course, I play the dog."
"Of course," Lars replied. "What's the plot?"
"Well," Phoenecia paused, "we just get it on same as always--one
hundred and thirty five minutes."
"Why don't we do something different?"
"You mean like you undernea--"
"No," Lars interupted, "I mean the redeeming social value. I'll
talk to Mr. Vesicle. I'll tell him that this picture has depth. Well
show the breakdown of the traditional boy-dog relationship. You'll
show that you are intense. That you have an identity--a need to be
seen and understood as a being. Oh, Plibenecia, it's beautiful."
"What about our intimate scenes, Lars." Phoenecia got up from
the floor, walked gingerly over to him, and licked his hand. "You
know how I feel about you."
"Sure I do. We can shoot the skin scenes against the background
4+ 6 , 4
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‘C9045,
By
Agamemnon O'Brien
EIXE
EZZZI
of our new-found relationship.
"I don't know, Lars. I don't know if I can handle it."
Phoenecia gigled. "Pardon the pun."
"I know you can." Lars knelt down and took her head in his
hands. He looked into her soft, brown eyes. His heart began to fill
with desire as he rubbed her silky ears. "Sweetheart, this picture will
be beau-" Lars suddenly dropped the dog's head and began clawing
at his stomach and groin. "This damn itching."
"What itching, Lars."
"I can't understand it. I've been scratching for three days and it
won't go--wait a minute!"
Lars looked at Phoenecia angrily. He bent over her and grabbed
her throat.
"What's wrong?" Phoenecia cried as he lifted her from the
ground.
"You bitch," Lars continued, "you don't have any brains."
"Please Lars, you're hurting me," Phoenecia cried as she clawed
the air.
"You idiot," Lars screamed, "where's the collar I bought you?"
"Oh Lars, it hurt me, I couldn't stand it. I had to take it off. Why
are you so angry?"
"You dumb animal--you knew you were supposed to wear it."
Suddenly Phoenecia knew the reason for Lars' anger. Her body
went limp and she looked at him and began to sob loudly.
"Oh Lars," she cried, "I didn't realize--I just wasn't thinking. I
didn't give you--"
fleas."
"OH LARS, NO." Phoenecia cried. "I didn't mean it."
"You'll pay for this," Lars said menacingly, "you'll not ruin my
stomach with scratch marks again."
"No Lars, wait."
But is was too late. The love and tenderness that had swelled in
Lars' heart just a few short moments before was replaced with hate.
He turned and walked to his dressing table. Flinging open the center
drawer, his eyes stole to the pearl handled .38 special and his fingers
closed about it. . ..
To be continued
She came storming in
Telling me she was new
Talking loud
Arms waving
Rearranging this
Substituting that
Poking in there ...
Then she left her nose here.
D. List
C. C. READER
"You dumb slob." Lars screamed
"Yes, Phoenecia," Lars said bitterly, hatefully, "you gave me the
WPA/AP
EZEII3
KILL IT !
Go ahead, step on it.
Hurry, crush its head and
bug its eyes.
BEAT IT!
SQUASH IT!
SQUEEZE IT !
Pull the legs off
And eat it.
D. List
To be continued
111 E
Publicity Coordinators
Bill Fleisher and Wanda Burholder
PAdg
HIDER
BROTHERS
BLOOPERS
b
Terry Tur y
nbaugh
It was an exciting, needless to
say, unusual flag football season.
However, the besieging Bender
Brothers baffled some
opponents, as well as themselves,
and regained the pride that is
ever so present with their
tradition. With the help of the
hidden microphone in my
quarterback's headband, I was
able to look back on some of the
stimulating plays and comments
that inspired our team.
Ah, those radiant moments!
For instance, we were one point
behind and we had possession of
the football with time running
out. It went something like this:
Quarterback: "One, two
three . . eight. We have an extra
player - who is it."
Left halfback: "Fred, you are
supposed to come in on defense.
(pause) I'm going to have to
spend next week with him. I
hope he soon learns to
distinguish between offense and
defense."
In that same game, but a
different series, I rifled a bomb
to my left end, but it was to no
avail since he stopped running
after the pass. As he approached
the huddle:
Quarterback: "Why did you
stop running? You could have
scored a TD."
Left End: "My mind knew
what I had to do, but my body
wouldn't respond. And besides,
you know I'm playing with a flat
tire!"
The most exciting moment
came when we were advancing
for the winning score with a
minute and a half remaining in
the game:
Quarterback: "Pro formation,
right end sideline, on go."
Left end: "Gasp - Do we have
an oxygen tank around here?"
Quarterback:"Do we have
any reserve ends?"
Guard: "Yeh, but they both
have knee injuries. We can't call
in Pat Murphy, because she's got
a knot in the voice gun that's
around her neck, and it's tangled
in Monger's crutches."
Quarterback: (in desperation)
"Well, Gary, how about a left
halfback pass?"
Left Halfback: 'I can't,
because I got my fingernail torn
off the last game."
It's hard to believe the
season's over, but the memories
linger on. In the Spring Term,
after 50 ice packs, 42 rolls of
tape, 16 whirlpools, 2 pair of
crutches, and 1 cane, the Bender
Brothers will once again sprint
onto the softball diamond for
action.
11X13