AIRES (Mar 21-Apr 19)
Like all rams, you’ll be extremely horny this month, since this is
your birthmonth. The stars say that you shall soon take a journey
and return knowing more than when you left - like it costs twice as
much to take these journeys as it did ten years ago.
Swami Trajanus tells us that Aires are natural leaders. You are the
people who start such stupid fads as goldfish-swallowing, streaking,
and pulling your toenails off.
Famous Arians include actor Gregory Peck, Actress Bette Davis,
and, of course, an Austrian ex-corporal who made his fame in Berlin
who was called Adolph, and better known to his loved ones as Der
Fuhrer.
TAURUS (Apr 20-May 20)
This month you’ll have to put up with more than your share of
the bull. You would be wise to stock up on the Charmin’ because
there is another shortage rumoured for this summer. And remember
not to look behind - the sight is really depressing. Romance awaits.
The stars say Taureans are loyal, and, like most bulls, not overly
bright. It is for this reason that most Taureans opt for the military
life. It has not, however, been proven that all lemmings are born
under this sign
Famous Taureans include Elias Jackson, 130-year-old Civil War
Vet who is still fighting Yanks in Alligator Bottom, Miss. When last
contacted, Elias said he "was just following orders.”
GEMINI (May 21-Jun 20)
Reasearch into our astrology books has turned up the fact that
Gemini has such an ease in speaking, that they often give the
impression that they are always knowledgible in everything. Your
favorite phrase is “Don’t worry, I know what I’m doing,” spoken
just before you do something you've never done before.
The planetary conjunctions with your moon's rising ascendant
fell us that Geminis will be extremely depressed when they learn
that the IRS only allows one deduction per person.
Famous Geminis are Marilyn Monroe, the Duchess of Windsor,
and Poindexter and Peter Draphinus, the siamese-twim tightrope
walkers.
CANCER (Jun 21-Jul 22)
Because of a lunar eclipse in Minjumbo, South Africa, the wise
Moon Child will refrain from indulging in sex in the Southern
Hemisphere to prevent any chance of cancer of the gonads. Cancers
have a reputation for not being very studious. For this reason, you
should quit school and get a job perfectly suited for you; cleaning
toilet bowls in the rest rooms of Howard Johnson Restaurants along
the turnpike.
Famous Cancerians include Elias Howe, inventor; James Whistler;
artist; and Attila the Hun, conquerer, who was really an old softie -
he just couldn’t take criticism.
LEO (Jul 23-Aug 22)
Fleas breed in April, so get out the Hartz-Mountain. The expected
conjunction of the sun and Canopis Felis II in the Fourth House has
been postponed due to rain, so you may enjoy yourself this month.
Just be careful to not have any sex with Cancerians at least until the
24 th.
Leos think very highly of themselves and love to try to impress
people. For this reason, many female porno stars are believed to be
Leos.
Famous Leos include Jackie Onassis, Lucille Ball, and Lassie.
VIRGO (Aug 23-Sept 22)
Virgos like to be needed, and this is a very good month to make
yourselves very available to the needs of the opposite sex. Try to live
up to your motto “If it feels good, do it. ” Research shows there are
no famous Virgos; they like to remain anonymous - for legal reasons.
Somewhere Now
By Romeo Trajanus
Somewhere there are rolling green fields,
Somewhere there is a breeze so cool,
Somewhere breathes the girl I love,
While here beats the heart of a fool.
Once we ran o’er the rolling hills,
Once I felt the cool nights in June,
And once I was with one so fair
While we loved in the light of the moon
And now my fields have all gone dead, and bare
Now the air is oppressing ly hot,
And now our love is a forgotten ache
And my love, she has gone;
whence I do know not.
April 25,1974
A Moment
A moment of thought
holds out for dawn.
Our bed lies in awe.
We are gone to
today and dreams
of returning night,
and our bed full
of loving light.
Hymie McCrab
Humanities
Reader Horoscopes
Your watchword for April
by Jim Bollinger
and Swami Tiberius Trajanus
(special consultant)
C.C. READER
Beezy Hughs, Andy Horn, Maria Quinterro,
Debbie Hasseman, Peter Rabbit, Eileen Lingle
LIBRA (Sept 23-Oct 22) , . .
Swami Trajanus would like to point out that Librans have a hard
time facing the facts of their own lives. They are romantics, living in
a dream world. As evidence, we offer Dwight Eisenhower and
Brigette Bardot, who are two of the better known of these almost
useless dreamers. April will be a bad month for you. The wise Libra
will find a nice warm dark hole to crawl into, and then bring it in
after him.
SCORPIO (Oct 23-Nov 21)
April will be a great month for you to get out to the movies.
Your only problem may be that the exit doors have no outside
handles. Scorpios show a calm face to the world but inside, they shield
an intense fire - and it’s usually heartburn; Scorpios love Mexican
Famous Scorpios inlcude Madam Curie, Will Rogers, and Dr.
Jekyl and his friend Hyde.
SAGITTARIUS (Nov 21-Dec 21)
April will be a fair month for you. Just beware of wild gorillas
carrying spears and riding deranged bull elephants. Sagittarians have
an inborn nature to say what is really on their minds. You like to
speak bluntly at all times, thus very few of you ever make it as
politicians. .
Sir Winston Churchill is the lone major exception. Close scrutiny
of his career reveals that he often spoke so bluntly that no one ever
understood what he said.', the mark of a great politician.
CAPRICORN (Dec 22-Jan 19) .
The junction of your ascending sphincter with Saturn s third ring
means that you will be wise to get to the unemployment office
early, and avoid associating with members of the opposite sex who
speak softly, are very hairy, and carry big whips with barbs all over
them
Capricorn thrives on challenge, and is full of ambition. Many
Capricorns start at the very bottom just for the pleasure of climbing
to the top. However, they are so slow about it, they never get where
they’re'going, and, even if they did, they wouldn’t know they had
been there. Of course, some Capricorns find the going easier
downhill, just ask Richard Nixon.
Other famous Capricorns are Ben Franklin, Beethoven, Sir Isaac
Newton, and Jesus Christ. That list just goes to prove you are a
strange lot, indeed.
AQUARIUS (Jan 20-Feb 18)
Aquarians are so far ahead of their times, they are sometimes
called eccentric - like Julius Bulbus, who invented the very first
electric light bulb, without waiting for anyone to discover
electricity. Unfortunately, all historical records of his discovery were
wiped out by time, and all that is left is a petrified lightbulb found
in the ruins of the Coliseum,
April will be a good month for you to get ahead of your time;
just skip this month and go right into May. Otherwise, you’ll be all
wet.
Famous Aquarians were Lewis Carrol; Charles Lindbergh; and
Thomas Edison, considered by many knowledgible astrologers to be
the reincarnation of Bulbus, who came back to finish what he
started.
PISCES (Feb 19-Mar 20)
A very good month for Pisces. Get out and do things, like
changing your goldfish bowl, taking out the garbage, and picking the
wings off flies. Your only caution should be to avoid teasing
rattlesnakes. You may find love while touring a sewage treatment
plant. Pisceans love to maintain an air of mystery about them, and
are always slow to speak and act. Be aware that this combination of
factors sometimes leaves other people wondering if you are really
human.
Famous Pisceans include Albert Einstein (?); George Washington;
and King Kong.
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