MONDAY M(',HT FOOTBALL PRESENTS:
Welcome, folks, to Monday Night Football. This is Howard
Cossell, and I think we have a real match-up for you tonight. And to
tell you more about it is the matchless, moribund master of
monologue, Dandy Don Meredith.
Howdy, Folks. As Howard said, tonight’s game promises to be
one of the best of the season, as the White House Boobs go against
the American People. Both teams are coming off big wins over
mutual opponent McGovern Liberals. But, for the individual
match-ups, here’s fearless Frank Gifford.
Good evening, fans. Tonight’s game pits a perennial loser, the
American People, against one of the league’s hottest teams, the
White House Boobs, ledby their crafty coach, Dick Milhous. Starting
at quarterback for the Boobs is “Cool Bob” Haldeman, one of the
league’s leading passers. At halfback, we have Spiro “T”, not one of
the better ball-handlers, but still a good runner. At fullback is John
Ehrlichman, who is not only one of the league’s shiftiest, most
deceptive runners, but who is also fairly adequate in the passing
department himself. Leading the attack of the People will be
quarterback “Senator” Sam Ervin and halfback Howie Baker, while
the defensive unit will be led by middle-linebacker Archie Cox, one
of the most ferocious in the business.
So, as you can see, we should be in for a real treat tonight as the
White House Boobs battle the American People in the Watergate
Bowl here in Washington D.C. We’ll be back for the kick-off after
this message.
Howard Here we are folks for another round of unmatched,
unpredictable and unbeatable Monday Night Football. Ihe Boobs
have just won the toss and will receive. Hubie Humphrey, the
kicker for the People is lining up the ball . . and we ar - r - r - e - e
off!
Frank: Trickie Nixon has the ball on his own goal-line, he now
moves it out to the 10 20 35 - 40. He may break it! Looks like
clear sailing! Wait! Here comes the kicker Humphrey; he may make a
saving tackle. He has Nixon! They’re on the 5,3, . . he’s down!
Humphrey may . . wait, no! Nixon just made it into the end zone . .
Dandy: Yeah, Frank, he was just on the goal - line . . .
Frank: It’s ruled a.TOUCHDOWN! So the Boobs go in front
early, 6 -0, on a 100 - yard kickoff return by Trickie Nixon.
Howard: Nixon is, by the way, the coach’s stepson. But just look
at this replay of the TD. Nixon evades a would-be tackier, it looks
like No. 47, Kennedy, who slips. After this, his wall of blockers just
decimates the confused attempts by the People. Here, the kicker
Humphrey makes a valiant effort. .., but to no avail. Touchdown . .
Dandy: Plus the extra- point makes it 7 -0, Boobs. You know,
Howard, that Nixon can move like a greased hog runnin’ thru a
slaughterhouse.
Frank: So, with 14:40 left on the clock, we pause with the score,
White House Boobs -7, American People - 0 on a hundred - yd.
return by Trickie Nixon.
Frank: We’re back here at the Watergate Bowl. On that return,
No. 47, R.F. Kennedy was injured and will not play the rest of the
game ...
Howard: We have sad news to relate. Kennedy, the fine young
halfback, for the People, originally a first - round draft choice of the
Democrats, has suffered a severe knee injury which may end his
career. We are truly grieved.
Dandy: We shore are; He was one right fine young player, and the
loss of him is a loss to the entire league, and the very game itself.
Frank: Now we’re set for the Boob’s kickoff to the People
following their touchdown. And it’s a beauty; a high booming kick
that Eddie Kennedy will field on his own five. He’s up to his ten,
twenty, 30, . . . 40, . . . he’s hit and hit hard . . . The ball is loose . . .
The Boobs have recovered on the American 45 - yard line!
Dandy: That was one fine run, but he was really stuck and
coughed - up the ball. It seems that he may be hurt.
Howard: Let us hope that he’s only been dazed.
Frank: He’s up and, with a little assist, is hobbling off the field. It
seems as though he’ll be OK. So the Boobs take over, Ist and 10 on
the People’s 45. No. 13, Haldeman, brings his team to the line. The
give is to Spiro and he bursts thru the line for 7 yards.
Dandy: He ran right over Cronkite and the entire left side of the
defensive line. A fine gain.
Frank: Second and three. Another give to Spiro . . . and he has
the first and then some.
Howard: Here we are seeing one of the league’s best halfbacks in
fine form when he’s not fumbling the ball.
Dandy: Yeah, Howard, And they keep running over the left side
of that line; which is just what Coach Milhous told us in an interview
before tonight’s game. And we’ll now run that for y all .
Howard’s voice: Well, Dick, what will be your game plan for
tonight? Milhous: Let me make one thing perfectly clear, we shall
January 10,1974
“Ever wonder what Watergate would be like it if were a football
gQfYIC?
With the bowl games having just recently been played, and the
pro- football season dieing rapidly, and though that Monday - night
spectacular is little more than a memory, we proudly bring you . . .
The Watergate Bowl
## # *
*************
by
Jim Bollinger
I)onkt‘\ Basketball (ianit
FACULTY vs. STUDENTS
at
MAIN STREET GYM,
MIDDLETOWN, ON
JANUARY 25, at
7:30 p.m.
$l.OO for all STUDENTS
$1.25 for ADULTS
C. C. Reader
first run at them with Spiro carrying the ball, then we’ll open up a
passing attack with Cool Bob making use of our best receivers,
Mitchell and Kissinger
Frank: Back to live action now. Boobs Ist and 10 at the
American 30. Fake hand-off to Dean, and Haldeman launches a long,
arching pass to his fullback Ehrlichman. TOUCHDOWN!
Howard: There he is! The fine young fullback from USC, who has
become quite adept at all phases of the game. Here we are seeing just
one of his many talents.
Dandy (singing): Cal - i - for - nia, here we come, right back where
we started from . . .
Frank: The P.A.T. is good; we pause with the score now 14 - 0 ,
White House.
Howard: This game has progressed to the point of boredom! The
Boobs have intimidated and tricked the People to a point I had
thought was impossible in the modern phases of this game! The
performance of White House has been spectacular, relying on the big
play. But they have been helped alot by the low quality of play on
the part of the Americans.
Dandy: Wall, Howard, Ah agree that the People’s performance
leaves something to be desired, but Ah’ve also noticed some poor
execution by the Boobs.
Howard: Which has gone, Dandy, almost unnoticed because of
their use of the big play . . .
Frank: . . . Which has given them a 35-3 lead with just 2:53
remaining in the first half, and the ball theirs on their own 38. They
are faced with a third and 21.
THE DRAW TO LIDDY, BUT HE IS CAUGHT
FOR AN EIGHT-YARD LOSS.
Howard: A splendid play by the right defensive - end As
we see on this instant - replay, he not only took the fake to Hunt,
but also stayed in the hole and took Liddy for a loss.
Dandy: A right fine play.
Frank: Dean’s in to punt. He gets a fine one off. It will be
returned by J.D. Sirica. J.D. has it on his own 20. He’s got one
block, two , , he’s off! Down to the Boob’s 25 where Dean, the
punter made a saving tackle.
Dandy: What a play! He went right thru the wedge of blockers to
stop a sure TD.
Frank: With less than two minutes left on the clock, the People
have a chance for seven. The first play is a pass to . . intercepted!
That’s Trickie Nixon with the ball! . . . He’s gotten one block, two,
he’s being chased by the tailback McGovern, but he’ll score easily.
Howard: There he is again! This fine, versatile veteran Nixon.
He’s scored three times now, including the first and last TD’s for the
Boobs this half.
Dandy: Ah can’t help but be amazed by his slippery moves and
blinding speed.
Frank: Gray adds the extra- point and the score is now Boobs 42,
People 3. And that’ll just about do it for the first half.
Dandy: 5-4-3-2-1. That’s all folks.
Frank: We’ll be back with our half time highlights after this.
**********
Howard: This game has been all Boobs, with the Statistics all in
their favor:
Total Yards
Passing
Rushes
Ist Downs
Yds. Penal
Fumbles
Interceptions
The scoring, likewise, has been all Boobs
7 0 Nixon 100 yd. kickoff ret. (Gray kick)
14 0 Ehrlichman 30 pass from Haldeman (Gray kick)
21 0 Mitchell 25 pass from Haldeman (Gray Kick)
21 3 Congress 33 FG
28 3 Nixon 45 pass from Kissinger ( Gray kick)
35 3 Spiro 7 run ( Gray kick)
42 3 Nixon 87 int. ret. (Gray kick)
Be sure to stay tuned as next week we bring you the exicting 2nd
half of the Watergate Bowl.
You won’t want to miss it!
* He * * *„* * * * *
************
LATER IN THE
FIRST HALF
Boobs
13-15-220
22-137
15
35
3-0
Page 3
To Change
Graduate Schools
Princeton, N.J. - A national
panel of leading educators has
issued a report calling for major
changes in American graduate
education.
In the report, entitled
“SCHOLARSHIP FOR
SOCIETY”, the Panel on
Alternate Approaches to
Graduate Education questions
the emphasis on research as the
single criterion for evaluating all
graduate schools and their
faculties, and urges that all
doctoral students spend time
working outside university walls
in areas related to their major
fields.
The Panel was supported by
two influential organizations
largely representative of
graduate school opinion - The
Graduate Record Examinations
Board, whose policies affect the
entrance requirements of most
graduate institutions, and the
Council of Graduate Schools in
the United States, whose 307
members include universities
awarding 98 per cent of the
doctoral degrees in this country.
In a preface to the report,
“new elements do need to be
added to graduate schools, that
significant modifications need to
be made, and that horizons of
concern need to be expanded if
graduate schools are to meet
fully the emerging needs of
society.”
The Panel report recommends
that:
- graduate school faculty be
encouraged to take a wider view
of their professional roles, and
the decisions “for tenure,
promotion, and salary
increments no longer (should be)
based on the single criterion of
research and publication.”
- more experts who may not
possess the usual academic
credentials be added to graduate
school faculties. “Successful
achievers in business and
government possess gifts and
experience that could be of
immmense influence in
redirecting academic energies
toward the servicing of social
needs.”
- more intensified efforts be
made to recruit able minority -
group representatives and
women to the faculties.
“Statistics can be cited
confirming that the politics of
graduate education reflect the
influence of a . . . discriminatory
society.”
often rigid institutional
requirements, such as residency
and fellowship policies, become
more flexible to meet the needs
of new groups of students; for
example, part-time women
students. “Graduate
administrators and faculties
must arrive at a new perception
of the worth and dignity of
‘recurrent’ or intermittent’
learners.”
People
102
5-10-80
16-22
every graduate student
should be required to undertake
discipline - related work outside
the university if he has not
previously done so to insure that
no advance - degree candidate
graduates without exposure to
real working situations.
- certain institutional policies
be altered to allow faculty
members more time to play a
larger role in the solution of
major societal problems.
“It is a matter of recreating
the graduate faculty as leaders in
the search for a new
understanding of the possibilities
of human society and of
recreating the graduate
institution as one that is capable
of counseling political and
cultural leaders on ways of
assuring meaning to the
structural changes of society
now in progress,” the panel
concludes.
STUDENT
** * *
SUPPORT
ORGANIZATIONS