History is a record of man's greatest achievements and darkest
defects. However, it is continually being contradicted and uncovered
as being full of fallacies and eroneous facts. This past week.
Professor Romulus Percival Trajanus, brother of the Nobel-prize
losing poet laureate, and Dean of History at Outer Mongolia
University, disclosed that there are major errors in at least four of
history's greatest and most important events. Compiled from an
exclusive interview with this reporter, here are the true facts as they
have never been revealed before:
On March 14, 41 8.C., Julius
Ceasar, overwhelmed with glee
at having been offered the crown
of Rome, sent a gift of fine
stainless-silver, wood-handled
steak knives to each member of
the Senate. Incensed at what
they felt was a sleight at not
receiving pearl - handled utensils,
the Senators all returned their
gifts the next day. The results of
their action temporarily left
Rome without a dictator and
gave rise to the Latin saying
“bewaris ives Marcus,” which
orginally meant “beware the
knives of March,” but which has
since been altered by
Shakespeare and others to its
present meaning.
Roman Senators returning
Ceasar’s gift steak-knives.
In 1776, patrick Henry, a
well-known patriot and
connosieur of imported beers,
after attending a beer-tasting
marathon in Philadelphia, was
giving a press-conference to
discuss the problems of the day.
A reporter of the Daily Gabbe
(today, the Inquirer) ventured a
question concerning the
relations of the colonies with
England. However, it seems that,
before answering the question,
Mr. Henry asked for a draught of
good cheer to quench his thirst
from so much speech-making.
Upon learning that the only beer
available was a cheap domestic
brand, Mr. Henry demanded his
favorite German brew in the line
Footprints in History
by
Jim Bollinger
(illus. by Diane Cressler)
made famous as a reply to the
reporter’s question: “Give me
Liberty or give me death!”
Patrick Henry demanding,
“Liberty or death!”
I n the early ninteenth
century, the captain of the HMS
Bounty, a certain Captain Bly,
acquired the obnoxious habit of
continuously eating garlic in a
spaghetti parlor in Naples. After
about two months at sea with
their spicy - mouthed
commander, however, the crew
acquired an aversion to the
odorous plant. One day, after a
particularly oppressive meal of
garlic & onions which the
captain gave especially for some
of his close confidants, the
hard-pressed crew, aided by the
more refined and
sauerkraut-loving first-mate, Mr.
Christian, demanded that the
captain either stop eating garlic
or start using the taste people
hate twice-a-day. Despite being
out numbered 50-1, the captain
declined on both counts. The
results were predictable.
Capt.
ultimatum
Finally, it has been reported
that the reason Columbus sailed
to American was to prove the
world was round. After the most
extensive research of all,
research into the most personal
records of the Spanish Royal
Family, the truth can at long last
be revealed. It seems that in
Bly receiving his
1491, Columbus first contacted
King Ferdinand as to the
feasibility of his scheme to show
the world was round. Now, the
king was a reasonable man, but
he also had a reputation for
being a bit of a deviate from the
norm of the day; behavior which
earned him the nickname “King
Fredie the Fella.” Bearing this in
mind, we find he summoned old
Chris to a very private audience,
whence he made great promises
of a glorious expedition to the
unsuspecteing explorer, if he
agreed to certain terms. Since he
was already wanted in half the
countries of Europe as a lunatic,
Columbus decided on the lesser
of two evils. The secret
“agreement” went on smoothly
for nearly a year, until, early in
1492 when the queen discovered
her husband and “Old Wierd
Chris” (as he was known at
court) together in the Royal
Nupital Bed. Immediately the
next day, the queen
commissioned Columbus to sail
west in search of the East Indies,
glad to get him out of her sight.
Of course, she knew that, since
he was headed in the wrong
direction, he would naturally fall
off the edge of the earth and
meet what she felt was his
deserved ending. (Apparently
she felt that three ships and
attendant crews was small price
to pay for the embarrassment
saved her.) Unfortunately for
the queen, he was right and she
was wrong. However, Chris spent
the rest of his sailing days to and
from the New World and never
again had enough time for King
Ferdinand, and so everyone lived
happily ever after.
Chris and Fredie planning the
expedition.
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4 qts
4 qts
3 lbs.
dandelion flowers (pack tight)
boiling water
granulated sugar
lemons, sliced and crushed with hands
oranges, sliced
cake of wine yeast
egg white (beaten)
1. Pour boiling water over flowers and other ingredients.
2. Allow this to stand for 24 hours.
3. Filter this liquid into your containers and allow to fermei
uncapped bottles.
4. Fermentation takes about three months.
5. You can drink it at this time but it is better if allowei
ferment.
6. Fermentation should take place in a fairly warm place.
7. Put tray under bottles to catch run-over of fermentation
will mess up the floor.
8. Keep bottles full to top by adding a little water
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Man's memorial to
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