History is a record of man's greatest achievements and darkest defects. However, it is continually being contradicted and uncovered as being full of fallacies and eroneous facts. This past week. Professor Romulus Percival Trajanus, brother of the Nobel-prize losing poet laureate, and Dean of History at Outer Mongolia University, disclosed that there are major errors in at least four of history's greatest and most important events. Compiled from an exclusive interview with this reporter, here are the true facts as they have never been revealed before: On March 14, 41 8.C., Julius Ceasar, overwhelmed with glee at having been offered the crown of Rome, sent a gift of fine stainless-silver, wood-handled steak knives to each member of the Senate. Incensed at what they felt was a sleight at not receiving pearl - handled utensils, the Senators all returned their gifts the next day. The results of their action temporarily left Rome without a dictator and gave rise to the Latin saying “bewaris ives Marcus,” which orginally meant “beware the knives of March,” but which has since been altered by Shakespeare and others to its present meaning. Roman Senators returning Ceasar’s gift steak-knives. In 1776, patrick Henry, a well-known patriot and connosieur of imported beers, after attending a beer-tasting marathon in Philadelphia, was giving a press-conference to discuss the problems of the day. A reporter of the Daily Gabbe (today, the Inquirer) ventured a question concerning the relations of the colonies with England. However, it seems that, before answering the question, Mr. Henry asked for a draught of good cheer to quench his thirst from so much speech-making. Upon learning that the only beer available was a cheap domestic brand, Mr. Henry demanded his favorite German brew in the line Footprints in History by Jim Bollinger (illus. by Diane Cressler) made famous as a reply to the reporter’s question: “Give me Liberty or give me death!” Patrick Henry demanding, “Liberty or death!” I n the early ninteenth century, the captain of the HMS Bounty, a certain Captain Bly, acquired the obnoxious habit of continuously eating garlic in a spaghetti parlor in Naples. After about two months at sea with their spicy - mouthed commander, however, the crew acquired an aversion to the odorous plant. One day, after a particularly oppressive meal of garlic & onions which the captain gave especially for some of his close confidants, the hard-pressed crew, aided by the more refined and sauerkraut-loving first-mate, Mr. Christian, demanded that the captain either stop eating garlic or start using the taste people hate twice-a-day. Despite being out numbered 50-1, the captain declined on both counts. The results were predictable. Capt. ultimatum Finally, it has been reported that the reason Columbus sailed to American was to prove the world was round. After the most extensive research of all, research into the most personal records of the Spanish Royal Family, the truth can at long last be revealed. It seems that in Bly receiving his 1491, Columbus first contacted King Ferdinand as to the feasibility of his scheme to show the world was round. Now, the king was a reasonable man, but he also had a reputation for being a bit of a deviate from the norm of the day; behavior which earned him the nickname “King Fredie the Fella.” Bearing this in mind, we find he summoned old Chris to a very private audience, whence he made great promises of a glorious expedition to the unsuspecteing explorer, if he agreed to certain terms. Since he was already wanted in half the countries of Europe as a lunatic, Columbus decided on the lesser of two evils. The secret “agreement” went on smoothly for nearly a year, until, early in 1492 when the queen discovered her husband and “Old Wierd Chris” (as he was known at court) together in the Royal Nupital Bed. Immediately the next day, the queen commissioned Columbus to sail west in search of the East Indies, glad to get him out of her sight. Of course, she knew that, since he was headed in the wrong direction, he would naturally fall off the edge of the earth and meet what she felt was his deserved ending. (Apparently she felt that three ships and attendant crews was small price to pay for the embarrassment saved her.) Unfortunately for the queen, he was right and she was wrong. However, Chris spent the rest of his sailing days to and from the New World and never again had enough time for King Ferdinand, and so everyone lived happily ever after. Chris and Fredie planning the expedition. & & tya&fy o %€Ufe& 4 qts 4 qts 3 lbs. dandelion flowers (pack tight) boiling water granulated sugar lemons, sliced and crushed with hands oranges, sliced cake of wine yeast egg white (beaten) 1. Pour boiling water over flowers and other ingredients. 2. Allow this to stand for 24 hours. 3. Filter this liquid into your containers and allow to fermei uncapped bottles. 4. Fermentation takes about three months. 5. You can drink it at this time but it is better if allowei ferment. 6. Fermentation should take place in a fairly warm place. 7. Put tray under bottles to catch run-over of fermentation will mess up the floor. 8. Keep bottles full to top by adding a little water ** ♦ * Earn recognition in your spare time No experiance necessary Train with people who know the score Challengingwork Independence Travel Approved for Veterans Apply in person Graveyards Man's memorial to A purposeless war Acres of dead blue bodies Marked by a crucified cross Another dead for A purposeless humanity. Charlie Ah! The state trooper He's really super. Doin' the highway patrol The long turnpike crawl Checkin' for boozers And high speed cruisers Helping disabled cars and trucks Out of gas? Never out of Luck. Ah! The state trooper He's really super. &€UtcUliaK TifiKC and where to. Reader Office WlO4 ** * * Just a Cop D. List ** * *