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ONE REDLIGHT NON STOP TO MONTREAL
by Steve Rosenzweig
The Steve and Harvey Sports
Show with special guest Phil
Wexler have returned from
Montreal where they were
studying the Phi Mies. It was their
plan to follow, meet, and then
watch the players to give an
in-depth report on the
happenings of their journey.
Also, we are describing the trip
to and from Montreal.
We left 9518 at 7:53 p.m. on
Tuesday, May 23. Our vehicle
(Phil's Toyoto) was decorated
with "Montreal or Bust" signs.
Bob Dunn and Charlie Carlin
witnessed the departure from
our house. Dr. Susskind also
witnessed our departure on
Weaver Ave. at 7:55. He had
some very encouraging, but
unprintable, words. We stopped
at Mark Israel's house to tell him
we're leaving and he signed our
log at 7:58.
When we arrived at the exit of
Meade Heights our tripometer
read 0000.0 and our odometer
read 08452.8. It was witnessed
at 8:04 by Berna Eisenberg.
Berna and Robin were invited to
go with us but Berna thought we
were crazy. Robin would have
gone, but Phil was driving.
We drove out of the Plaza on
the way to the Hess station for a
pit-stop. As we turned out of the
Plaza I heard the first fart of the
trip. Harvey and Phil both tried
to accept credit for it.
We pulled into the Hess
station at 8:09 and we were
really feeling silly by then.
Harvey told three strangers that
we were going to Montreal and
Phil cleaned his headlights which
was strange. I've lived with Phil
since September and that was
the first time I ever saw him
clean anything.
The trip down route 230 was
pretty uneventful. After 14
miles of the trip Phil looked at
the odometer and made the
intelligent statement, "I went 14
miles already." At 8:39 Phil
noticed the cows were standing
in the fields so we would have
good weather. Harvey and I tried
to do some homework but gave
it up after a minute and a half.
After getting off Rt. 283 we
had to stop for only one redlight
all the way to Montreal. It was
8:45 and the redlight was on the
top of a State Trooper's car just
outside of Indiantown Gap. We
were going to ask the trooper to
sign our logs, but we already had
his signature on the ticket. Phil
got caught at 76 mph in a 65
zone. Phil had his license
suspended and didn't get it back
yet, so they had to check on
him. At 8:52 we heard on the
trooper's radio, "Car 321 the
operator's license is not under
suspension." We breathed a sigh
of relief. Then, the cop had a
funny line, he asked what was
on the side of our car. Phil told
him Montreal or Bust. The cop
said, "don't get busted in
Montreal."
So, back in the car with a $l5
ticket and the Phillies losing 2-1
on the radio, and Phil losing his
license for another 15 days. At
that point I predicted a Deron
Johnson HR. He hit a grounder
scoring a run and making it 2-2.
We were about 30 miles
outside of Meade Heights when
an incredibly big birdshit hit our
windshield. Phil was still
speeding but it's easier to slow
down from 75 to 65 than 91 to
76.
At 9:01 a giant bug crashed
into our windshield. A minute
later, two more giant bugs in
rapid succession hit the car. We
were getting bombed in
Schuylkill County by the biggest
bugs we ever saw.
or How We Drove Over 1000 Miles To See One Hit
From 1., Harvey Brown, Phil Wexler, Steve Rosenzweig
We had traveled 100 miles
and I was getting tired of
writing. So, I decided to jot
down only the important stuff.
For example: Rest Station
Closed. The next 100 mile point
was near Nuangola and Phil
wanted to know if Nuangola was
related to Tom Gola. I told him
not to say anything funny
because I was tired of writing.
We were driving through the
Poconos. I asked Phil and
Harvey if they would like to
stop and stay over on our way
back. That idea was voted down
when we realized we had only
one clean set of underwear.
After 126 miles of the
journey a cop was trailing us.
Gee, he could copy the
information from Phil's other
ticket. About the same time
Harvey burped in► the backseat.
Fortunately, he didn't get any
on him. And I just wrote on the
separation of the notebook
without realizing it.
Well, we were 136.7 miles
into our journey when the Phils
lost 6-2. We were 56 miles from
Binghamton where we would
make a food stop.
We started singing old songs
and rode past Binghamton. So,
we started to look for a
restaurant and after three stops
we were about to give up. They
were all closed. We stopped for
some "El Cheapo" is and I
think we woke the attendant up.
At 11:28 Harvey burped again
and we were starved to death.
We weren't going to Montreal
anymore. We were going to a
diner. We started on our second
chocolate bar. We kept driving
because if Binghamton
restaurants closed at 11:00,
Whitney Park wouldn't have
anything open. The topic of
conversation at this time was
whether or not we had Oscar
Meyer Weiner Whistles when we
were young.
We finally decided to get off
the highway outside of Cortland.
Phil was apprehensive because
the exit read "State Police".
But, we were hungry. Of
course, the restaurant was
closed. We got lost in Cortland
trying to get back to Route 81.
But all was not lost. We found a
diner in the Village of Homer.
The top song in the diner's
jukebox was Pitty Pitty Patter
by Susan Raye. But, who cared
after driving 235.5 miles. You
could write a soap opera in that
diner. All the old country folks
knew everyone else's business.
And, if if was 60 degrees
outside, it was a cool 54 inside.
The bathroom in the diner was
so small that when Phil leaned
forward on the pot, his nose hit
the soap dish. If he was an inch
THE CAPITOLIST
Photo by Frank Lucchesi
shorter, he would have had to
get up for the paper. At 12:52
Phil took a No-Doze, put on the
heat, and left for Canada.
At 2:36 and 369.3 miles into
the journey we reached Canada.
The country looked closed. At
customs they checked Harvey's
dirty underwear afterall, who
can you trust. It was still 160
miles to Montreal.
We made a gas and coffee stop
almost immediately. Gas was
58.9 cents a gallon and Phil had
a bird. In the restaurant I asked
the cashier if she takes Canadian
money and she told us we were
in Canada now. We saw
Franchot Foof the famous
French Farter. Harvey went to
the bathroom and some guy
came in and flushed all the
toilets but his. So, another tank
of gas and back on the road
again. It was 3:27 and our
E.T.A. seemed to be off.
Afterall, we were 23 minutes
late already and still 140 miles
from Montreal.
As we entered Montreal at
5:13 a.m., we saw the sun. At
5:14 Phil made his first
Canadian U-Turn. At 5:15 we
hit our first Canadian redlight.
At 5:16 and 5:20, 2 miles later,
we hit the main street of
Montreal. After 9 hours and 16
minutes Phil was tired of driving,
so he let Harvey drive the last 3
miles.
We stopped at a phone booth
to get the address of the Queen
Elizabeth Hotel where the
Phillies stay. I guess the three of
us looked suspicious in the same
phone booth. That's why the
cop stopped us. We got back in
the car to find the hotel. We
passed the Bank of Nova Scotia.
Phil told us to deposit $5O there
and we'd get four free pounds of
lox.
After driving around to hotels
with no vacancies we finally
decided to stay at the Hotel
Laurentian, but our room
wouldn't be ready until 9
o'clock. It was only six now so
at 6:15 we went to sleep in the
lobby.
We were lucky, our room was
ready at 8:10. We went to sleep
until 11:30. When we awoke we
walked two blocks to the Queen
Elizabeth Hotel to hopefully
have breakfast with some
Phillies.
At 12:21 we spotted Larry
Bowa. Harvey asked him if he
was a baseball player and Bowa
said "no". If Harvey was on the
ball he would have said, "you're
right, you're not." We then
spoke to Chris Short who was
really a nice guy. Unfortunately,
he had no tickets. Harvey spoke
to Mike Anderson at breakfast.
He had no tickets, but he did
have two eggs over easy, home
fries, bacon and coffee. In the
lobby later we spoke to Tommy
Hutton who was a real nice guy
with no tickets. In all, most of
the players wouldn't even talk to
us. Even though they were on a
losing streak, we came all the
way from Philly to cheer them
and they could have at least said
hello instead of shrugging us off.
About 1:43 we met Wayne
Twitchell and he really
impressed the hell out of us. We
explained our situation and told
him we needed tickets. All he
did was say, "How many do you
need?" Now, that shows some
class.
A few minutes later we met
Harry Kalas who took our names
to announce on T.V. Then we
met Richie Ashburn and told
him we met Harry Kalas. They
were both really nice guys.
The tickets arrived at 6:50
and 23 seconds later Phil was in
the park having a beer. As we
were going to our seats we
noticed that our camera had
melted from sitting on the car's
dashboard. We only hoped it still
worked.
We went to stand behind the
Phillies dugout where we met a
collage student who covered the
Expos for the school paper. As
the Phillies were taking batting
practice he was taking pictures
for us. We saw Harry Kalas again
and said hello. Phil saw Deron
Johnson and asked him how his
foot was and received a grunt for
an answer.
It was "Meet the Player Day"
in Montreal and we were allowed
on the field. Phil went over to
talk to the college student we
met and found out they both
knew Brenda Finklestein. Phil
got her address so he could call
her and say hello when we got
back to the hotel.
Then came the classic. We
spotted Frank Lucchesi, the
Phillies Manager, sitting in the
bullpen. So, we went down to
get a picture. A guard stopped us
and we explained our situation.
The guard got permission from
Frank to let us in the bullpen.
As Frank was sitting up and
straightening his hat, Harvey
handed him the camera. We
stood back and posed with our
Phila. banner. Frank was quite
dumbfounded. All he did was
look at the camera and ask us
where to snap it. He then took
our picture. We thanked him and
then went back to the infield.
During the game we had
nothing to cheer about except
for Mike Anderson's triple and a
DP executed by the Phi Hies. At
10:03 the game was over and
Carl Morton had pitched a
one-hitter. We drove 1000 miles
to see one hit. So we went back
to the hotel to call Brenda. At
11:01 Phil called her and found
out there are two Brenda
Finklestein's in Montreal. Of
course, he had the wrong one.
We went to a club and then a
restaurant before going to sleep.
We awoke the next morning
around 10:45. After breakfast
we checked out of the hotel and
were on the road at 12:20. Out
E.T.A. would be 8:46. The first
thing we did in the car was to
throw out a melted Hershey bar.
As we left Montreal, Phil went
through a redlight near the
Montreal Forum.
At 2:28 and 681.6 miles into
our journey we came to the
bridge into the U.S.A. Phil asked
the toll-taker if America was
opened today. He said it was, so
we entered.
At 2:30 we were at customs
after traveling 152 miles in 122
minutes. " were in customs
Saturday, June 24, 1972
about 15 minutes. They really
checked us over, probably
because we had hair. They even
checked under the hood. While
the agent was doing this, Phil
asked him to check the oil. He
also asked him if he ever saw the
French Connection. Harvey took
their picture and said the stuff
was hidden in the camera. The
agent said we could go because
we couldn't have gotten more
than a pound past him.
So, we were off again. After
739.4 miles in the front seat, I
asked Harvey if he would like to
sit there for a while. We stopped
at 3:37 and after a tank of gas,
three candy bars, three sodas,
and three trips to the bathroom
Harvey took over the navigator's
seat.
At 6:56 we hit a crisis period.
Phil farted for the fourth time
near Stroudsberg and missed his
turn when he shifted his
buttocks. Fortunately, we only
went 8 miles out of the way.
At 7:03 we saw a Sheraton
Hotel and I thought we should
have given back the towels we
took in Montreal. We were
having a heated discussion about
the towels when we saw
"Harrisburg 100 miles."
Thoughts went back io our
destination. At 7:58 we were 50
miles, two farts and 48 minutes
from our E.T.A.
A cheer from the car arose as
we hit a 100 mile mark a mile
outside of Hegins, Pa. It was 47
hours and 55 minutes after the
start of . our trek.
Only a half mile away and we
passed two state troopers cars.
Fortunately, the troopers were
outside their cars bullshitting.
Phil only cut his speed from 77
to 68. At 8:36 and 1051.9 miles
later, we hit route 230 and our
first redlight since Montreal. We
went over 500 miles without
hitting a redlight. We still had
nine minutes to hit our E.T.A. It
was plenty of time, but to make
sure Phil ran the light in
Highspire.
We reached the light at the
plaza at 8:41 and still had five
minutes to our E.T.A. We drove
slow and got to the Meade
Heights entrance at 8:44. We
were two minutes ahead of
schedule and our arrival was
witnessed by Marc Cohen. But
what made it even better was
that the same people who said
good-bye to us, met us at the
4-way stop sign. As Marc was
talking to us, the witnesses to
our departure, Bob Dunn and
Mark Israel, drove up. It was a
perfect ending. Our trip and the
school play both ended at the
same time. After receiving
congratulations we took Bob
Dunn's pizza and drove the last
leg of the journey to 9518
Kirtland. A journey which
consisted of 1054.4 miles and 48
hours and 40 minutes of our
time.
GOODBYE!
This past year has been a lot
of things to us. Sometimes it has
been rough, sometimes fun.
Mostly, it has been a bitch
getting this paper out every
week.
But we have enjoyed it.
We've made good friends
through our work on the paper,
and we've made good friends
elsewhere. We shall miss you all.
Whatever you are going off to
find now, or if you come back
to Capitol next year, pod luck
and good life.
Tom Hagan
Lee Nell