opinion
Stream
of Consciousnes
It's that time of year again: when a young man's fancy turns to
thoughts of young women and vice-versa. Although the hunt for affection
is a year-round sport, it seems that as the weather warms up, so do we.
But as one classical greek philosopher once said, "In the search for affec
tion, one may find it to become an affliction, and possibly even get an
infection."
Of all the species of animals, the woman undoubtably has the silliest of
mating rituals. We try to win our mates by seducing them with a Big Mac
and a movie. These 'dates' can prove to be a harrowing experience, due to
an unnamed disease that can turn the most articulate person into a babbl
ing fool around someone they are truly interested in.
Yet we persist, and we ask out these people who we would like to get to
know, all the while drowning in a pool of insecurities.
Subsequently, for those members of our species who seek a significant
other but faint at the sight of a prom dress, facing that the worst will hap
pen, I have constructed my guide to the worst possible date. Simply avoid
any of the situations I have outlined in my example below, and you will
escape the worst date imaginable.
Young Johnny Behrend has finally gotten himself a date with the girl
he's been bugging for several months. To prepare for this grand occasion
he showers, shaves and accidentally tears all of his underarm hair off with
Through the eye of a needle
I heard all about the Jim Bakker
scandal these last few weeks. These
things normally don't attract the
attention of individuals like myself,
but Jim was a serious dealer for the
Big Guy. He brings in , a lot of
souls, let me tell you.
Some of the oldsters around here
can remember the good days, back
when almost anything could con
-yen the masses; you,name it: card
tricks, magic smoke, a little water
into wine. Produce an eclipse and
they were eating out of your hands.
Just talk to David; he gets lucky
with Goliath and the next thing you
know he's king. We had conver
sions right and left back then; we
Even more of my meanderings
Various members of my family
have called to ask why I don't write
for the paper anymore. Well, it's
quite simple; I spend all my time
failing Political Science and play
ing backgammon with Residence
Life Coordinator Kim Zitko. Who,
incidentally, did finally get a date. .
with SATAN! ! ! Isn't that
special?
Have you heard? Oral Roberts
has announced that he needs eight
million in donations every year for
the rest of his life-or—you guessed
it—he goes to that big tax shelter in
the sky. Why doesn't he just let
God kill him and then press
charges?
If we could only be sure that the
next space shuttle would explode
we could make the Beastie Boys
astronauts.
If I were the person choosing the
puzzles for the bonus round on
Wheel of Fortune I would go out of ,
my way to select a puzzle that
didn't have an L, R, S, N, T or E.
And then I'd 'make sure that the
prize was a Porsche.
I've been working out for five
weeks now, and no one has notic
ed. This whole fitness thing is over
rated, but I am up to six sit-ups a
night. .
Earlier in the year , I was in
timidated by the LIAS computer in
the library. It's actually a wonder
ful system. You can order any
book you can think of, and it's sent
to you from one of the many
libraries in the Penn State system.
What they don't tell you is that by
Editorial Policy
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holding final responsibility. Opinions expressed on the editorial pages are not necessarily
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' more than two people, and not longer than 400 words. Students' letters should include the
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Postal Information: The Behrend Collegian (8984221) is published fourteen times an
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students of The Behrend College; The Reed Union Building, Station Road, Erie, PA
16563.
Mating Rituals
by Paul Sarkis
Collegian Staff Writer
couldn't fit them for halos fast
enough.
People haven't wised up
anymore, though. If David had
beaten Goliath in 1987, he'd be fac
ing Jake the Snake next week on
Wrestlemania. Dave never had
much of a stage presence, so it's
just as well he stayed back in the
B.C.
It seems like the money thing
didn't matter as much back then,
either. Jesus even managed to pull
in twelve administrators without a
dental plan. Talk about dedication;
besides, J.C. could sweet talk
almost anybody. The original plan
was for him to spend 60 days in the
the time it arrives you'll have
already graduated. Good system.
People who ask if anyone teases
me about being named 'Jack
Homer' are brain dead.
Remember a while back when
Punxatawney Phil poked his head
out of his hole and predicted that
we would have six more weeks of
winter? Apparently, that little ro
dent was stoned at the time. Had he
forgotten-that instead of picnics on
the Fourth of July the people of
Erie have snowball battles?
And me. . . me! We had one nice
day so I sent all my winter clothes
home, thinking that winter was
over. You'd think after spending a
year in college I'd learn something.
The only thing I've learned in the
two years that I've been here is that
you have to flush the first, "second
and fifth toilet to get hot water in
the showers on first floor Perry.
Steve McGarvey is the only per
son on campus who doesn't use the
automatic door openers in the Reed
Building.
When the people at the RUB
Desk won't give me change, I go to,
the MAC Machine, take out a ten
dollar bill and buy one fish.
Steve . Aller, who is more than
likely going to be editor of the Col
legian next year, is having a birth
day next week. By the time he
celebrates his next birthday he will
have aged twenty years. Wish him a
`Happy Birthday' now while he still
remembers who you are.
his roll-on anti-persperant
He has to meet his date behind Erie Hall at the city bus stop
Where he realizes that he doesn't have exact change. After boarding the
bus on his date's pass, they are forced to sit next to a large, sweaty man
who mumbles.
Johnny takes his date to the most expensive restaurant in town and he
brags that he dines there often. Upon their arrival, he discovers that the
menu is written in the same foreign language that he dropped first
semester; subsequently, he orders the spaghetti dinner special.
When the appetizers arrive, Johnny accidently scalds his tongue on the
hot soup and his gagging noises and drooling disturbs the other patrons.
His salad contains some oversized pieces of lettuce, and rather than cut
ting them, he distracts his date while he eats the entire salad in one sweep
ing motion.
Johnny excuses himself to go wash the blue cheese salad dressing off his
face. And while is is washing up, the sink splashes water all over the pants
of his polyester-wool blend suit. He stands on a chair and positions
himself under the hand dryer in an attempt to eliminate the unsightly and
embarassing water stain. Unfortunately, the excessive heat of the dryer
fuses the polyester fibers of his pants to his legs, and he finds that walking
has become difficult.
As he waddles back to the table, Johnny's date informs him that there is
a party she must attend on campus. As she leaves, Johnny discovers that
due to the problem with his pants he is unable to rise from his chair.
Distraught and dejected, he eats both plates of spaghetti.
desert but he worked them down to
40. And what ever happened to all
of that hype about the rich man
having a harder time getting into
heaven than a camel passing
through the eye of the needle? A lot
of effort went into that concept:
divine brainstorming, advertising
campaigns. Where did it get us?
Oral Roberts isn't satisfied yet, so
he's reconvened to the tower to
wait for a sign. If I have any say in
the matter we're going to send Michael A. Reuter
Midas to rap with him this time.
Mortals really love sunbathing.
.... , ,7 4. ' ... . 40, e 4czar re
We've lost enough souls due - to the
invention of the bikini to
repopulate the world. Maybe Jim Third Semester, Political Science
Lord Harold Wilson, former
Prime Minister of Great Britain, in
his speech to the Behrend com
munity last week painted a rather
amusing picture of an immature
:- -7 ,l4\ae`
Prince Ch
that he hoped the Queen's abdica
tion is a long way off. I worry
about this because I heard Joan
Rivers (a personal friend of the
Royal Family), say that Prince
Charles "can't wait for the mother
to die so he can become queen. " .
Residence hall lobbies are a mec
ca for modern machinery. None of
the vending machines ever work,
but the video game that makes
more noise than a car without a
muffler is infallible.
Remember that song "You
Don't Have To Take Your Clothes
Off To Have a Good Time?" I was
just thinking how wrong that is.
Letters to -the _editor intended.
for publication in the next
edition of The Collegian must
be subitted by 5:00 p.m.,
April 22. •
was just catching some rays and
laying the groundwork for another
conversion. These are the eighties,
you know; we have to take them
where we can. Besides, it's not as
though she was anyone we had
heard of up here. A simple
theological discussion on a beach,
that's all.
Now, if it had been Fawn Hall in
the bathing suit, things might have
been different.
I, like many of you, am very
relieved and happy that Dave and
Maddie finally slept together. I am,
however, questioning that slapping
scene. If Maddie would have slap
ped Dave once—maybe. I might
even believe that they made love
after she slapped him twice. But
that third time she hit him—he
should have tied that sheet around
her and made her listen to that hor
rible "The Return of Bruno"
album. If that's not cruel I don't
know what is.
Erie is the only city on earth
where we can have people laying
out, sunning themselves and thirty
feet away is a mound of snow that
refuses to melt.
I was pondering the importance
of lip balm, and I've decided we
simply cannot do without it.
Someone should make a fertility
movie that stars the rabbits on this
campus.
Playing Monopoly at
McDonald's is almost. as
frustrating as playing a real game
Of Monopoly, but at least you
know when the McDonald's ver
sion is going to end.
And, since you're probably
wondering when this article is go
ing to end, I'll close with this
thought: Eleven more days of this
• foolishness and we're past tense.
May we all find summer jobs that
pay us more than we're worth!
Jack Homer -
Collegian Editor
Pastor Ray
by Pastor Ray Sines
Collegian Staff Writer
Since I will be forty-two years
young tomorrow, I have decided to
explain the reason why I am a col
lege student at this age. Many have
asked, over the past two semesters,
"Pastor, why are you back in
school?"
Briefly let me explain, if you will
pardon the documentary on the
Opinion page. First, before I came
into the ministry, all of my
previous schooling and training
had been in electronics. Addi
tionally, for ten years, I had
designed and built low voltage
switching-circuit prototypes for
security systems in high-rise office
building.
Then, God called me into the
ministry. After a few more years in
dealing with "the call" God had
placed on my life, I began phasing
out of the field of electrical
engineering and started schooling
in theology. At an excellerated
rate, I had received an equivalent
of three years of theology in a
seven month period (while serving
as an intern minister in Alexandria,
Virginia).
Evangelists' antics
God help them!
In response to Pastor Ray Sines' column in the April 2, issue of the
Collegian:
I am not a Christian in the sense that I go faithfully to church every
Sunday, attend Campus Ministry doings, read my devotional booklet
every night, do without things during Lent, live—or try to live—a life free
of every vice listed in the Bible, or other traditionally "Christian" things
to do. What I do believe is that Jesus Christ was a great and wise Teacher,
a compassionate Healer of body and spirit, a One chosen of God to show
lesser humans than He the way to peace and life. I have read of His life
and His teachings, and of the lives and teachings of those first ones who
followed His way and spread His word; and I have read of and seen these
"televangelists"; and I, personally, can fmd little or no similarity between
their words and their lives and that of the Christ they claim is on their side.
Perhaps there are people who might never have heard Christ's word
were it not for a white-suited fiery minister on television on a Sunday mor
ning; it is no sin to introduce people to Jesus. But, perhaps there are those
who may have found peace in Christ's way, but have become soured on all
Christianity because of the antics of these TV personalities who claim
Christ as their reason for what they do. This would run directly counter to
the entire concept of Evangelism, and would be a grave sin indeed.
Sincerely,
Ota,
Tracy Diane Muffet
Second Semester, English
Maintenance plow
leaves motorist
Maintenance is defined in the
dictionary as "keeping in working
Condition and support." Well, the
Behrend Maintenance men are
hardly living ,up to their name.
The other day I was plowed into
my parking place by Maintenance.
In answer to your question—no. I
did not leave my car overnight. I
pulled into the first parking lot at
8:05 in the morning and when I at
tempted to. leave at 3:45, I
discovered that three feet of snow
had been plowed in front of my
car.
Actually, the snow was not just
piled in front of my car, it was
packed into my bumper; the car
would not. even rock back and
forth.
When I discovered this I was a
little angry, but I ca Tnly walked in-
Don't look
now!
Puzzle pg. .5
Collegian
PAGE 3
Let's
Talk
Four months later, I accepted my
first pastorate in Erie, Penn
sylvania (Sept. 1983). As much as I
love people, it didn't take long as a
pastor for me to realize how little I
knew about counseling other peo
ple. That is when I decided to
return to school and get a degree in
psychology and human behaviors.
I was immediately questioned by
a few of my colleagues; "Why
Penn State rather than a seminary
college where I could have applied
many previous credits?" Well, to
be quite frank, I remembered a
statement made by a wise old
Indian—" You can't judge another
Indian until you have first walked a
mile in that Indian's moccasins."
For example, (1) I can associate
with the ones who were at war in
Southeast Asia because I have been
there, (2) I know the pressures of
an executive because, thank God, I
have been one, and (3) I know the
stress that many face in life because
I face it also. Just the same, I desire
a secular education from the best
secular college in the - state of
Pennsylvania—PENN STATE.
Proverbs 4:5 states,
wisdom, get understanding
neither decline from the words of
My mouth." My belief in the
Creator will not be compromised,
but perhaps when all is said and
done I may become a little wiser so
that I may help a few.
This is wisdom in the minds of
many. Please note: When you
become too old to learn, then it is
time to roll over and die.
adrift
to . the gym to call Maintenance. A
woman answered the phone,
apathetically explained that the
men had been hard at work since
5:30 a.m., and that they had all
gone home. She added that she
didn't even know where I could get
a shovel.
In the end, my brother had to
come out here and shovel me and a
few other people out.
Keep up the good work,
Maintenance. I don't know what I
would have done without you.
Stir Sir - .on
Eighth Semester,
Communication