FEBRUARY 11, i 982
Professor Wolfo
Discusses New
The reporter enters Professor
Chet Wolford's office, only one
among the countless thousands
who go there each day. Many go
seeking wisdom, advice, or•
counsel for their personal affairs.
Others . for a five-spot to secure a
six-pack of beer. This reporter
went seeking for the reasons
behind Professor Wolford's new
book.
_Chet Wolford is at his desk as I
enter, sweat dripping off his
brow, sizzling on the old
fashioned radiator in front of
him. My first question concerns
how he got the idea to write the
book in the first place.
"I was fishing on the lean,
green banks of the Cuyahoga one
morning, when I saw a book of
matches floating down the
stream," Wolford says, his eyes
rolling back in their sockets, as if
to visualize a greener past, a
childhood lost in the vast plains of
Ohio.
"I plucked the matchbook from
the stream, and reading . the
printed message inside, I was ,
seized by a flashing epiphany,"
he says. "Right before - me was
the opportunity - for $2.98 - to
write a magnus opus in 10 days,
or by evenings and over
weekends, hi only 8 1 k years. , SO I
did it."
Q: And your book is the result?
A: No, because I hooked an
8 1 -lb. catfish. The matchbook
dropped in the stream again,
resulting in an inevitable explo
sion, enabling me to eat the boil
ed catfish on the spot. -
Q: So you wrote the book later?
A: No, I wrote it earlier.
Q: Well; I suppose I ought to
ask you what your book is about.
. A: Go ahead.
Q: What's yOur book about?
A: As nearly as I can
remember, it's about Stephen
Crane.
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Book
Q: An interesting name. How
did he get it? ti
A: That's not easy, but after
much research, I concluded that
he spent a lot of time on sand hills
hearing all sorts of messages
from the sea and shouting until he
was blue in the face. In fact, he
did that so much that he became
quite a martyr to it. •
Q: Did that influence the kind
of books Crane wrote?
A: No.
Q: Oh, well, what did influence
Crane?
A: Good beer and some of the
classical Greek writers like Eric
Segal, Ron Larson and Bob
Hostetler, the famous writers of
such Broadway hits as "The
Calculating Bag Lady" and
"Mathematics of the World
Unite!" Seriously, though,
Ernest Hemingway was a signifi
cant influence.
Q: I thought Hemingway came
after Crane. Wasn't Hemingway
born in 1898 and didn't Crane .die
in 1900?
A: Q'uite true, but Ezra Pound,
another influence on Crane, once
said that "Poets are the antennae
of the race." It's My belief that
Crane was one of these, so in
credibly precocious that "The
Red Badge of Courage", publish
ed in 1895, was directly influenc
ed by "A Farewell to Arms", first
published in 1929. I do my best,
and I think successfully, to docu
ment HerningwaY's influence on
Crane in my book. Not to blow my
own horn, but my book is the
first, to my knowledge, to make
extensive use for literary
criticism of psychic research.
Q: Well, could you predict for
our readers about how much
money you expect to make from
your book?
A: Depends.
Q: Depends on what?
A: Depends on the film rights,
THE BEHREND COLLEGIAN
how much of a_percentage of the
profits my agent can get for me,
free commutze service to Bur
bank, that sort of thing.
Q. What do you ex ...
A:' And then, of course, when
the movie's done making money,
the publisher's overstocks can be
sold to woodstove companies for
marketing as fire* starters.
Things used to be good for bird
cage bottoms, but the cost of fer
tilizers and thus birdfeed has
resulted in the bottom dropping
out of that market. -
Q: Any other ideas?
A: Oh, yes. There's lots_more to
it than just the money and the
beach house in Malibu that I'll
probably get as a perk. For ex
ample, the aesthetics of casting
has always interested me. Right
now, I'm leaning toward Sally
Field as a former labor organizer
who becomes a bubbling and
ever-cheerful typist suffering
from cataracts. You know, a sort
of Rosemary Woods' type. And
then, either Nancy Culp or Mean
Joe Green would be superb as the
acerbic, recalcitrant, pale-faced
Research Assistant who
moonlights as a cocktail
waitress. John Houseman as the
publisher and editor, John Lilley
as THE DEAN, Bryant Gumball
as the jealous, liver-gnawing col
league who resents the book's
success, and either Robert Red
ford or Chief Dan George as me.
But I'm probably jumping the
gun a little bit here. Some of these
people will be playing in the Andy
Williams San Diego Open at
Torre Pines when the film is be
ing shot.
Q: Clearly, you have thought
much about the book's potential
after publication. Have you also
been thinking about a sequel?
A: As a matter of fact, I have
been. Stephen Crane's brother
Hart, you know, was something
of a genius in his own right; after
all, he spent a lot of time brooding
on bridges, and my research has
shown that a lot of genuises who
live short lives brood on bridges.
In fact, that's a primary criterion
for both.
Q: Both what?
A: Being a genius and liviug, a
short life. The problem with a
book about Hart, however, would
be its length. I'd have to pad it
alot, rather like a Freshman who
stretches a hundred words of in
formation into a five hundred
word essay. Anyway, Hart got off
the track rather young and never
really got himself back together
after that.
Q: What happened?.
A: He stepped off the back of a
moving train.
Q: That's a shame.
A: Quite. -
Q: Do you expect your book -
the one on Stephen Crane - to
have any impact on the literary
world?
. A: Nothing has- an impact on
the literary world except the
price of food stamps. On the other
hand, it should have a modest ef
fect on the military-industrial
complex.
Q: How so?
A: Simplify things a bit. Im
agine the result, for example, of
the book's lyric resonance being
visited upon• SAC majors sitting
around their missile silos tapping
their toes sand Edgers near all
those buttons.
Q: Could have a - resounding ef
fect. What first interested you in
Crane? , -
A: That's a long story; so I can
only tell part of it. It all started
when I was about eight or nine, - or
maybe I was ten. No: Now I
remember. I was 'twenty-three.
Anyway, when I was twenty
three, my parents- gave me one
for Christmas ... But I don't want
Clubs Clobber Cudas 56-16,
Buckeyes Blind Walleyes 86-2,
Badgers Bash Babies 34-0
The Behrend Clubs remain on
the top-most branch of the NIAA
tree-fencing league after a
splintering 56-16 victory over the
short-sticked Cambridge Cudas
this past weekend. Behrend clob
bered their way to a 42-4 halftime
lead, .smashing their opponents
as if they wielded balsa wood
against a buzz saw. Chip Bark
was Club leader with 13 stabs,
while Pete Maus fought a classic
rear-guard battle, scoring 9 stabs
against a hemophiliac who was
eventually sidelined with a
severe plasma disorder.
"We used oak this _ time,"
boasted Coach Brute Simmons.
"We kept to a basic "mob"
strategy, pounding their
defenders whenever one would
stray, looking for water. The boys
showed good stickmanship and
stumped the Cudas whenever
they raised a white flag." •
Elsewhere in the league, the
Bethel Buckeyes jabbed and pok-
to dredge all that up again.
Q:. Ok. Any other effects?
A: , I think so, modest ones. The
chapter on Crane's "The
- Monster", for instance, ought to
cause a pree-ipitous end to
aparteid in Pretoria, and the part
about "The Open Boat" should
cause a stir at the next Interna
tional Law of the Sea Conference.
Beyond that I can only entertain
the humble belief that the book
will make everyone a little bit
nicer.
Q: Nicer in what way? .
A: Oh, just nicer, I guess. You
know, like the crew on "The Love
Boat."
Q: Golly, that's wonderful. Do
you have any favorites among
Crane's works?
A: "Huckleberry Finn."
Q: "Huckleberry Finn."
A: Yes,
.you know the story. A
PLAY PIANO
LIKE
BARRY NANILOW
I write the songs, so yen can play them
- Over and Over Again!
Including:
•Looking For Love
•Waiting For Love
•Longing For Love
•Love-Went By
•Love Took Off
•Love Left Me Dry
and
•Love Is A Money-Splendored Thing
ed their way to an eye-opening
86-2 finish over the myopic
Wooton Walleyes. Buckeye
strategy was gouge and maim
as they tore apart the hapless
Walleyes, something for the .
Clubs to consider before next
week's match. Buckeye Coach
Red Wranglesore promised his
team will "come out swinging"
as the Clubs and them tear the
turf at Bethel Coliseum. The
Buckeyes are a half-game behind
the Clubs, thirsting for revenge
after a blistering 62-61 loss last
year at Behrend.
Lashed, but not least, the Brad
ford Babies took it on the chin in a
24-0 spanking against the Boom
town Badgers. The Badgers claw
ed their way to this non
conference victory by soaking
their stocks in poison beetle dung.
The Babies have filed a protest,
asking that the rematch include
crossbow competition.
poor little rich kid runs away
from home to live on a houseboat
at a pond in New England only to
discover that it's already oc
cupied by a • very large white
whale. He ends up in Death
Valley shouting "The Horror!
The Horror!" to Francis Ford
Coppola because he (the kid) is
handcuffed to the whale and left
the key in his other pants.
Q: I thought the white whale
was from "Moby Dick."
A: That's my second favorite
work of Crane's.
Q: Why?
A: Two reasons. First, Crane
didn't write any other good
yarns.
Q: What's the second?
A: I like 'to fish. And "Moby
Dick" is much longer than "The
Pennsylvania Angler" and only
slightly less interesting.
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