November 1, 1973
ACT I
Scene 1: Being that this is
your average musical and
since every average musical
has its own average opening
song, this average musical is
no different. Picture if you
can, the first organizational
practice of the Behrend
soccer team with Coach
Lauffer addressing the team.
Coach Lauffer: I'd like to
welcome you freshmen to
Behrend College with the
words "specific adaptations
for imposed demands". Let
me explain: (Ready or not,
here, comes thut"opening song
called "Behrend College"
sung to the tune of
"Oklahoma" from the
musical "Oklahoma").
Beeeehhhreeeeend College
Where the wind comes
sweeping off the lake
Where the classes you take
For your own sake
At 8 a.m. you must wake
Behrend College
Where the finest soccer
players meet .
Where the stuff you eat
We doubt it's meat
And the food battles just
cannot be beat.
Behrend College
Where everyone always
thinks of Main
Where the weather's sane
If you like rain •
And the sun can only shine in
vain
B-E-H-R-E-N-D, Behrend
College you're OK.
Coach Lauffer: I think we'll
all introduce ourselves to
each other. Ed Hunkele, why
don't you introduce the
fullbacks with a song?
Ed Hunkele: Sure Coach, I
love to sing. (Suddenly all the
fullbacks jump up to their
feet and begin to sing "The
Fullback Line" sung to the
tune of "The Lollipop Clan"
from the Wizard of Oz.")
Fullbacki:
Werepresent the fullback line
The fullback line
The fullback line
We represent the fullback line
And we wish to welcome you
to
Our fair school.
Coach Lauffer: And - now a
word from our front line and
half backs. (Sung to the tune
of the "Rain in Spain" from
"My Fair Lady" ).
Line and halfbacks:
The Shots
We Take
Fall main-ly
In the Goal
The balls
We head
We always
Trap down dead
The passes
We make
Are always
On the mark.
To be
Profound
We are
The best around
Coach Lauffer: Mickey
Brosius, why are you clim
bing on top of that desk while
beating your chest? Oh, you
want to sing a song, well go
ahead.
Mickey Brosius: (sung to
the tune of "An Actor's Life
For Me" from Pinochio).
It Was a Vera Good Year
Hi diddley dee. A goalie's life
for me
We dive and roll, we could
stop a tank
From three yards out the
lineman crank.
Hi diddley dee: - A goalie's life
for me.
We punch and throw and kick
the ball
The linemen punch and kick
us all.
Hi diddley dee. A goalie's life
for Me!
John
_Hoge: Coach, as
captains, Jay Bird and I
would like to say a few words.
(Coach Lauffer has that
"You're asking Me" look and
nods approvingly.)
John Hoge and Jay Jeffery:
(Sung to the tune of "Love
Story").
Where do we begin, to tell the
story
Of how great this team can
be,
This great sports story of a
team
As close as we, so very mushy
tthat everyone
Can see, tears fill our eyes...
(they are interrupted by a
gurgling sound in the back of
the room. Mark Rudolph
stands and shouts to sing, or
rather gurgles "The Crud"
sung to the tune of "I Feel
Pretty" from "West Side
Story".)
Mark Rudolph :
I feel nauseous
Oh so nauseous
I feel nauseous, obnoxious and
low
How intoxius
I think I've got the crud.
I feel horrid
Oh so horrid
I feel horrid and wretched
like mud
Oh how horrid
I know I've got the crud.
Feel the pain that is in my
chest,
The doctor says it's serious
I can hardly walk
I can hardly breathe
I canhardly run
But I want to play.
I feel nauseous
Oh so nauseous
I feel nauseous, obnoxious and
low
How intoxious
I think I've got the crud
Scene II: Alas the true
cause of the crud is brought to
the surface. The team quickly
recovers and commences to
"kick butt" as they say in the
vernacular and in the locker
room too.
With excellent fan support,
the team breezes through
Indiana, Canisius, and ties
Roberts Wesleyan. The team
discovers their next opponent;
Houghton College, wants to
drop them from their
schedule because Behrend
isn't good enough. The team
makes known their opinion of
Houghton, with what else?—a
song.
Whole Team: (Groovin' on
the bus to Houghton Sung to
the tune of "King Herod's"
song from "Jesus Christ
Superstar.")
So you are Houghton
You're the great Houghton
Behrend Collegian
By Jim Concelman
College
Prove to us that you're so
great
Beat us by five goals this date
That's all you need to do and
we'll know it's all true-
C'mon you great soccer
school.
Houghton you won't believe
the hit you've made
'round here man-
You're all we talk about while
sitting on the can-
Oh what a pity if it's all a lie
Still I'm sure that you rock
the cynics if you try-
So you are Houghton, you're
the great HC
Prove to us that we are lame
Show us how to play the game
Do that at least and we'll kiss
your sweet grass
C'mon you great- soccer
school.
So if you Houghton, yes the
great HC
Runaround us till we're dead
You can do it on your head
C'mon you great soccer
school.
Coach Lauffer : Denny
Grace, you don't have to raise
your hand to go to the
bathroom.
Denny Grace: No Coach, I
want to sing a song about
today's game against
Houghton.
Coach Lauffer: That's
good, cause we got a sym
phony orchestra in the
bathroom. How else can we
get the music for all the songs
we sing?
Denny Grace: You mean to
say you get a whole sym
phony orchestra in a little
bitty bus bathroom?
Coach Lauffer: No, dOh't be
ridiculous. The kettle drum
player is in the cargo hold
underneath.
Denny Grace: Oh. (He
stomps several times on the
floor of the bus and shouts),
YOU ready? (He hears a
feeble "yes" and commences
to sing "Hello Goalie" sung to
the tune of "Hello Dolly".)
Well hello goalie
Well hello goalie
It's so nice to see you couldn't
stop that shot.
That's too bad goalie
Just too bad goalie
You're still runnin'
You're still divin'
You don't know which way is
up.
So try again goalie
Try again goalie
You might as well just give
this old game up, cause-
We're gonna score goalie
You're gonna be awful sore
goalie -
Behrend's just gonna take it
all
Behrend's just gonna take it
all .
Behrend's just gonna take it
all this year.
ACT II
Scene 1: Alas and alak,
hard times have fallen upon
the Behrend soccer team. The
whole team seems to be in the
grips of the "Mad Dr. Candy
Foot" as one astute journalist
put it. There is a severe
shortage of goals being
scored by Behrend. Losses
pileup.
Coach Lauffer: (seriously,
check that, damn seriously)
All right gentlemen, we have
a problem. It seems there is
some dissention on the squad.
For us to be on that field
tomorrow with anything less
than a full team effort would
be a waste of time. There is no
way we can win that game
unless everyone has complete
confidence in his teammates.
Let's get it together gen
tlemen, NOW! !
One more thing (you
guessed a song. Sorry, but I
just couldn't let this scene,
serious or not, go by without
even a little song. This one is
called "Trouble" from the
"Music Man."
We got trouble right here at
Behrend College,
We got trouble I say -
That starts with a T
And that rhymes with P
And that stands for party.
Coach: Oh, we got trouble.
Team: Oh we got trouble
Yes we have trouble
Oh we have trouble
Coach: That starts with at-T
And that rhymes with a P
And that stands for party.
Team: That stands for party.
Yeah, we got trouble
Oh, we got trouble
Yeah, we have trouble
Oh we got trouble...oh yeah...
Scene 2: The day of the
game.
It seems Coach Lauffer got
the message through. It is so
quiet in the locker room
today that you could, to coin a
phrase, hear a jock drop. In
fact, the team is so psyched
up, they're going to, yep, that
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The sign above was painted by the first floor Lawrence
girls as a tribute to Behrend's out-a-site soccer jocks. It was
hung in Dobbins Hall after the win over Indiana.
Rober Nolan shows typical form as he out-duels five
players to win the ball for the Cubs. The Cubs ended the
season with a fine record considering the beginning of the
term was interrupted with the "crud."
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Diving headwork by Denny Grace enables Sunny Gillette
to beat Canisius College defender enroute to the goal as Bob
"J
-Bird" Jeffery supports the attack.
is right, sing a song. Take it
away team. (Sung to the tune
of "In America" from "West
Side Story".)
Team: We want to play
In the game today
We want to stay
In the game today
Go all theway
In the game today
We will kick A in the game
today
One thing we know
In the game today •
We won't be slow in the game
today
In the game today
Like ex-lax we'll go
In the game today
The goals they will flow
In the game today.
Scene 3: The 10ck , ..T room
after 6-1 victory. Everyone
comes in congratulating each
other. Coach is ecstatic, also
happy.
Coach Lauffer: Good game
fellows, good game. Well, the
season's just about over.
Team: (Various mum
blings such as "yeah",
"that's right", "gotta go to
the can man" . )
Coach Lauffer: Even
though our win-loss record
wasn't as good as I think it
could have been, we did beat
the crud and we did show that
we could pull together when
we really needed to. All in all,
I think it was a very good
year. (You were wondering
how I was going to work that
in weren't you?)
CURTAIN
(Applause?)
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Page Three