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Eugene Cross deemed "too attractive to teach" at PSB
FUTURE SEXUAL HARRASSMENT
CASE WAITING TO HAPPEN
Intent of hoax:
CONTINUED FROM FRONT PAGE.
The answer is obvious. School ad
ministration wished to solve the prob
lem of the “Dobbins Effect.”
According to studies, the all-you-can
eat option for a cheap price with the
student meal plan makes freshmen vul
nerable to the Effect. Believing they
were eating real food, the student
would go to different stations, piling
everything they could fit on a tray,
preparing for the next Erie famine.
The consequnces go unnoticed until
they can no longer button their jeans.
To combat this, the school used the
proximity of the dining hall to battle
BATTLE LLAMA
School of Humanities and
Social Sciences
discovered at Behrend
REUBEN WILDSAGE
western gorge associate
A construction accident at
the Metzgar site has uncovered
a School of Humanities and
Social Sciences at Penn State
Behrend.
“It’s an amazing find,” says
Dr. James Crumplebottom in
between sips of tea while ad
justing his monocle. “The
School seems to have its own
system of organization, delega
tion, and, based on the pres
ence of several vending
machines, we think that they
have some type of primitive
economy present.”
One resident of the civiliza
tion attempted to communicate
with reporters and archaeolo
gists at the scene to no avail.
“What are yop talking about,
‘we discovered you?’” said the
contributing writer
solve Dobbins Effect
the weight gain.
“The dorms are so located so you
have to work before you get your
food,” said Miller. “Because of our lo
cation, we were able to at least keep off
five pounds from the Freshman fif
teen.”
However, this setup ignored the up
perclassmen living in Tigress, Tiffany,
and Porcupine Halls who did not have
to walk far for fine dining.
The board went to work. There was
talk about relocating the suites, but
that would’ve taken too long, and there
weren’t enough boxes left over from
Cardboard City to house all those stu
dents. Maya Iglasia, the newly elected
member, suggested the relocation of
Dobbins.
“This is for the greater good of
Behrend,” said Iglasia. The suggestion
of Erie Hall came up, a newly found
structure on the Behrend property that
resembled a gym.
“No one knew about it,” said Ken
Miller. “We just stumbled across it
when looking for a new location.”
With the new location at Erie Hall
dinner trips will be lengthened. But
what about the students living in Almy
and Ohio, who already have the great
est walks to everywhere on campus?
“They’ll just have to deal,” Miller
said. “They’ll be less fat in the long
run.”
resident. Archaeologists say
that carbon dating has discov
ered that the person dates back
to the Cenozoic era, during the
Holocene epoch.
Engineering students ex
pressed concern as to the men
tal state of those living in the
civilization.
“So, what, they just study
like, maps? And... read Edgar
Allen Poe?” said mechanical
engineering major Obidiah
Snickefritz, a junior. “When do
they find out how wind dynam
ics can affect weight distribu
tion?”
Further study is needed, said
archaeologists, to study the in
terpersonal communication,
history, political organization,
literature, sociopsychological
norms, and patterns of lan
guage present in the civiliza
tion.
Sources confirm: Eugene Cross is HOT.
His hotness, apparently, is a problem on
campus, but not to the students.
Professor Cross, or as he has been nick
named by his female and male students,
“Professor Sexy,” has caused quite a
ruckus around campus since he started
teaching.
Anyone who denies that Cross is attrac
tive has either spent their college life
asleep on a couch (you know who you
are), or has been in a drunken stupor (you
also know who you are).
If you have absolutely no idea who he
is, rush to Kochel immediately. If you don’t
know where Kochel is, that’s another
problem entirely.
Let’s face it, Cross gives the male popu
lation a horrible name. You look at him
and then compare this fine specimen to
the other men on campus and then you
want to cry.
“You don’t even understand what 1
would give to be him. To BE Eugene
Cross,” says Neil James.
I hate to say it, but he is the Edward
Cullen of Behrend, except better. Please
hold your distaste at the thought of com
paring this lively creature to some fic
tional character because you know it's
true. What’s so nice is that he’s a real
human being.
When you hear what sounds like the
squeaks and giggles of a 4-year-old girl,
either there are puppies running around
or there has been a Cross sighting. If I had
a dollar for every time this happened, I
could probably pay my Penn State tuition
in full.
A lot of girls take his class not because
they want to learn about poetry and liter
ature, but because they get at least 50
minutes of possible chances to talk to
Cross, as well as have an excuse to stare
at him; Although, it is hard to imagine
Behrend News in
Miller Moustache
Fan Club seeks
treasurer, V.P.
The Ken Miller Moustache Fan Club, one
of the oldest and most treasured clubs at
Penn State Behrend, is opening elections
for positions as its treasurer and Vice Pres
ident.
Current President Brad Kovalcik has
been impeached for excessive trimming, a
press release said Wednesday.
Vice President Rachel Reeves has been
appointed interim President and will hold
on to the post for the next year.
Dr. Kenneth Miller, Director of Student
Affairs, is pleased.
“How many times am I going to be
quoted on this stupid insert?” he said. “I
didn’t say any of this stuff, and you defi
nitely just put words in my mouth because
you think that I have a good enough sense
of humor to just accept anything that’s in
the paper. Well, we’ll see. We’ll just see.
You’ll get yours, Sattely. You just wait. I’m
not playing around, I honestly plan to cover
your entire room with Post-Its while you
sleep.”
Mistake of the Century
Beacon publishes well-written,
journalistically sound article
Sources confirmed Wednesday that an article with solid
journalistic style and ethics somehow made its way into
the Behrend Beacon.
While no charges have been filed, the accident has frus
trated members of the community.
“It’s irresponsible," said Dr. Kenneth Miller Director of
Student Affairs. "There are procedures set into place to
make sure that these things don’t happen. Somehow, this
article made it through unseen.”
Students close to the Beacon
production process say that the
story cited nationally-accepted
research, and included fair inter
views from a variety of campus
sources, each of whom had little
to no personal agenda.
The article, which dealt with
the workings behind the admis
sions process, was immediately
cut out of all 2,000 copies pub
lished on-campus, but it was too
late. Local news media picked
up the fiasco before the issue
CHARLES MONTALBON
Crease correspondant
BREAKING NEWS: Cat stuck in tree. Crisis averted: Eugene Cross saves
the day with lines of poetry.
The New Oxford American Dictionary just sent out a press release saying
that Cross has earned a coveted spot in their 2011 edition. Definition: chidk
magnet; See also: attractive, handsome, charming, deadly, god, wow.
Elf spies confirm that Ben and Jerry’s is creating a special ice cream for this
young professor called “Crossoholic.” It comes with a companion flavor:
“Chocolate Crossoholic.”
NASA confirms that the stars aligned when Eugene Cross was born
anyone passing his class when they are
fixated on his entrancing eyes, and the
fact that half of what he says goes in one
ear and out the other. His increasing list
of attractive qualities might make him
seem like a hindrance during class, but in
all actuality they can be quite motivating.
"His beauty is not a problem, but some
times when I look at him, 1 imagine him
kissing a dolphin," says Gia Redwine.
Unfortunately for Cross, the recently
discovered School of Humanities and So
cial Sciences feels that he is overqualified
to teach. With continuous requests from
around the world to baptize babies and
bless animals, they feel Cross has a higher
calling.
Cross’ hotness is a possible cause of the
many fires on campus, including the Dob
bins blaze. Nothing could extinguish this
man, and Behrend probably doesn’t have
enough money to fireproof all of the build
ings.
"He can set me on fire anytime,” said
Hailey Holtz and Grant West simultane-
ously.
It is a loss that will be strongly felt
throughout North America.
Sources say that Cross will take refuge
in a remote area of Antarctica before re
emerging in all of his perfect beautiful
ness.
He will not be forgotten, though
well-researched, unbiased,
CONNOR SATTELY
I )un hum
Attribution deliberately left out
Shame. Shame. Shame, shame, and more shame.
Brief
Drunk student dances for 46
straight hours
Jake Beys, a Penn State Behrend
sophomore, drunkenly shuffled up
and down, beep-bopping to music
(some real and some imaginary) for
46 hours last weekend.
Over the course of a U-Gates
party Friday night, Beys drank a
fifth of Captain and shambled back
and forth from room to room.
His marathon began when some
one hit Shuffle on the laptop w'ith
iTunes on it.
"I love this song!" Beys said after
fist-pumping for the entirety of
Kansas's "Carry On My Wayward
Son."
Beys stood next to the laptop and
lazily opened and closed his eyes
while bouncing slightly off-beat
until Sunday morning.
Fellow partygoers supported
Beys by offering him more alcohol
and motivating him to keep going.
"Dude, that man is so FUN," says
could be censored.
“What idiots," said NBC Evening News anchor Brian
Williams. “Once in a while, we let one of those slip, too.
But usually, we catch it before it goes out to the public."
My mom said that she disapproved of the article.
“I think it’s great, honey," she said. “Study hard, get lots
of sleep.”
For editor-in-chief Connor Sattely, the fiasco represents
a possible “Waterloo” scenario.
“Let’s face it: my job is in jeopardy," Sattely said. “This
article does not meet the standards which we normally
apply to stories, and for that, I apologize.”
Sattely was later seen walking
into the Wintergreen Gorge with a
Hanzo sword.
Ally Orlando, the news editor
who allowed the article to publish,
says that she doesn't understand
what all the trouble is about.
“What, we published a good ar
ticle?” She paused. "Isn’t that a
good thing?”
Sources confirm that certain ed
itors may lose their job over the in
cident, chief among them
Orlando.
DR. KENNETH NOISEWATER
vditor-in-chivt
Behrend Beacon i f\
April 1, 2010
www.thebehrendbeacon.com
A source tells me that “Eugene Cross” is
now the replacement name for Aquarius
Drive. While “Jack Burke” had been the
popular pick, the members of SGA have
had some alarming encounters that they
refuse to speak of, and now Cross is the
favored choice. Looks like Jack Burke’s
got some competition...
Ken Miller, the director of Student Af
fairs, might also view Cross as competi
tion. Well, soon to be ex-competition.
“I’ve found myself going to the gym
more, but I don’t think Cross plays any
part in that," says Miller hesitantly. The
newly placed treadmill in his office with a
picture of Cross placed right in front of it
does nothing to help his case.
If Behrend really wants more students
(and money), they sMfttld stop this abom
ination right now. Protestors have already
gathered outside of the Kochel building
and set the trashcans on fire.
“They can’t do this. He is the core of this
university. He’s got it all figured out," says
Nick Blake.
Actually, it is a surprise that the univer
sity has let this go on as long as it has. It
is also surprising that Cross does not own
an invisibility cloak, or that Behrend
hasn’t issued him private security guards,
but all I know is that mayhem will ensue
from this point on.
Tom Nayers, a fellow sophomore
and former dancer himself. "He just
gets so, so, so drunk."
Beys was selected from a group
of 14 freshmen and sophomores
from ENGL 15.
"It really is an honor to get to go
to that party," says Melanie Ulma, a
senior majoring in business. "Only
about four newbies are invited to
that party every year."
Beys says he was exhausted after
such a long endurance trial.
"I barely remember it," Beys says.
"It was one of the best experiences
of my life."
Beys does not remember visiting
campus over the weekend, but re
ports indicate he made several
stops.
“He was [at Bruno’s] the minute
the doors opened at four. He looked
hungry and pretty drunk. He was
dancing, too. Weird.”
"For the jigs!" Beys reportedly
screamed.