DISCLAIMER: THIS IS A PARADODY - NOT TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY
Disgruntled student's girlfriend
dumps him to pursue fictional
character, doesn't know
Penn State Behrend student
and all-around ladies' man
Ryan Smitty thought that
everything was going perfectly
with his girlfriend in the days
leading up to their six month
anniversary, but was hit with a
bombshell when he showed up
at her doorstep with flowers in
hand to take her out to dinner
on the big night.
"I was really excited,
because this was the first time
I'd made it to six months with a
serious girlfriend," Smitty
(junior—marketing) said. "But
then she answered the door
and told me that she wanted to
break up so that she could try
and find a boy that was more
like Edward. Naturally, my
first reaction was to ask who
the hell Edward was, and all
she said to me before she
slammed the door in my face
was the word 'Cullen.—
Smitty immediately went
home and attempted to figure
out just whom Edward Cullen
was, and what he had that
Smitty was apparently miss
ing. He said he also wanted to
figure out if Cullen was larger
and in better physical condi
tion than himself, so he could
make an educated decision on
whether or not to fight him.
When he couldn't find him on
Facebook or in the Penn State
student directory, he began to
worry.
"I was, like, really surprised
by that, because everyone has
Facebook," he said. "But then I
checked MySpace, and he did
n't have a personal one, but I
did see that a lot of 14-year-old
girls talked about how much
they loved him and stuff in
their profiles. I thought he
might be some kind of creep,
like a pedophile or something."
Smitty soon discovered from a
What's Inside
A Golden Ticket
--'......•••••...' ......-.......-.,-.....--,.._.---,.-.......-.......-........-.......--,...----,
( WONKA'S ),
( GOLDEN TICKET )'
I GREETINGS TO YOU THE LUCKY FINDER OF THIS
‘'
( GOLDEN TICKET FROM MR. WILLY WI)NKA I
Mom ran TICKET AT OR win= Gm. AT um (moat /747
( rm WO MONNING Or UM MOT DAY Or WINNOW AND DO NOT
DI LAM YOU NAT lIIING WUN TOO ONE =MR Or rare OWN
I ( PALELY-AM ONLY ONILNUT NO OWN ELM
In your soilifist &tamps eat ma MON, du ninwfauSURPRISES /
I AU awaitYOUl
1---''-- _....._ _..... ..... ..... ..... -..._ _.. 16_ ...1.- ..... _A, -......-- "..''''
CONTRIBUTED PHOTO
Five Golden Tockets per 1,000 issues. If you are one of the lucky winners you win ... a Golden Ticket.
Chaos that erupted in the
Hammermill computer lab
ended in serious injuries and
academic probations. The two
students, whose names are
being withheld, were repor
tadely sitting on opposite ends
of the lab when one student
walked over to the other
demanding his DVDs back.
The second student refused
and the two began to quarrel.
The fight soon turned in to a
fist fight including loud curse
words. Only one computer
was damaged, the school
board is relieved to say. Five
students are seriously injured
and recovering at various
local hospitals.
According to one bystander,
everyone was already aware
that something was happen
vampires do not exist
By Scott Muska
a blast from the past
notinterestedinyourfeedbacko psu.edu
roommate with an adolescent
sister that Cullen was not a
pedophile, but was actually a
main character in writer
Stephenie Meyers' immensely
popular TWilight book series
about vampires for young
adults.
Cullen's character in the
novels is that of a very visually
striking and extremely roman
tic and chivalrous vampire who
falls in love with Bella Swan, a
human teenage girl.
"I thought it was a really cool
thing that I was dating a girl
that liked to read a lot instead
of the cheerleaders and
Hooters waitresses I'm used to,
and I've always been really
attracted to chicks that wear
glasses, but if I would've
known I was going to get
dumped for a character some
writer just made up I wouldn't
have even started things in the
first place," Smitty said. "I
mean, it's ridiculous, man. I've
never dumped a girl because I
wanted to try and get with
Hermione Granger."
Smitty's former flame,
Angela Valley (sophomore—
mythology and occult litera
ture), says that she's not hold
ing out exclusively for a vam
pire, but just anyone with the
personality traits that Cullen
possesses.
"It's not so much that I want
someone that never sleeps or
can't go near garlic and is real
ly pale, it's deeper than that,"
Valley said. "I just want a guy
who will do things like carry
me on his back while he runs
through the forest at 60 miles
per hour, or is willing to give
up his eternal life just to make
me a little bit happy. Things
like that just really get me
going, and Ryan wasn't able to
give me that. Also, he was too
FIGHT!
ing because "they were yelling
so loudly."
When the fists started to fly,
everyone stared in awe.
"I didn't know people still
did that kind of stuff!" com
mented one student.
The fight was closely
matched until the first student
threw the second student over
the computers and into the
wall behind them. A hole is
now in the wall at the crash
site.
The second student got
back up after falling from the
wall and continued with the
fist fighting. She appeared to
be using her nails at this point.
Students in the corners
appeared to be making bets
on who they thought would
win. When asked how much
CAMPUS NEWS
When Valley's roommate
pointed out to her during the
interview that most normal
men can't run 60 miles through
rough terrain and asked her if
she thought vampires could do
this and did in fact exist, she
said that she was confident
that they did.
"I mean, lets get real, here,"
she said. "That Stoker guy did
n't just come up with that
whole thing out of nowhere.
He had to have met a pack of
vampires and then decided to
write a story about them.
Nobody is that creative, except
for maybe one of the Bronte
sisters."
Smitty said he plans to move
on as quickly as possible from
his break-up with Valley, and
that it is her loss.
"Honestly, any woman that
thinks a guy is going to do all
of the things that guy in the
book does for them is just
naïve, because he's a character
that came from some woman's
imagination," he said. "It
makes sense that he'd be the
perfect man, because it's easy
to dream up the perfect person
if it's only in our heads. I
mean, I dream up a different
perfect woman almost every
night of the week. I don't
understand the whole vampire
thing factoring into that, but to
each their own. Did Angela
really say she thought vam
pires existed?"
At the time of publication,
Valley is still single and has not
gone on a date since their
break-up. A source close to
her said that she's spent the
past three weekends re-read
ing the Ilvilight series.
was at stake, one student
replied, "$125."
Whoever bet on the male
student to win lost a good
amount of money. The female
pulled the same stunt on him
except when he landed on the
ground he was unconscious.
Several students were
injured in the events.
Authorities say that they are
horrified, but would not com
ment past that. The two stu
dents who started the fight are
academically prohibited from
graduating and the students
who participated in gambling
are being fined a much larger
sum of money than what was
at stake.
Well-written story on page 7
DISCLAIMER: THIS IS A PARADODY - NOT TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY
WORD SEARCHAPALOOZA
WORDS
DEANSLIST
COMMUNICATIONS
BEACON
FINALS
HOMEWORK
Mother Nature Thoroughly Shits on Erie
Since some unexpected and
late snowfall earlier in the
week, Erie is dangerously close
to breaking the record for the
most snowfall in one winter.
However, Mother Nature has
no intention to give Erie resi
dents such satisfaction.
"The idea is to get as close to
the record as possible without
actually breaking it," says
Nature. "That way Erie locals
will be made as miserable as
possible without the consola
tion of bragging rights."
Students are outraged at
Nature's intentions for this
gffiMEM) BACON
Somewhere off the coast of Cuba. Maybe?
Who's Responsible for this?
Rachel Reeves,
Please blame her.
Connor Sattely,
Managing Failure
Michelle Quail,
Keeps the gears turning
Matthew Schwabenbauer,
Finally of Age!
Mike 0. Wehrer,
Resident Green Bay Fan
Jennifer Juncosa,
Late for Grey's Anatomy
Nick Blake,
Pens fan to the Bitter End
Christine Newby,
Also Known as Newby
Matthew Alto,
Weathers and Runs
DORM ENGINEERING
CRAM
year. "I'm only living in Erie for
two years out of my life," says
16 semester senior Jacob
Flemenct. "I'm not going to
ever get this chance again. And
to come this close is just infuri
ating."
Donald Rolaski, a sopho
more majoring in engineering
(go figure) works at his
father's plow business. "My
Dad is always talking about the
winter of '01," says Rolaski.
"About how when I was sleep
ing soundly in my bed, he was
clearing the way for the worst
winter of all time. I so badly
Penn State Erie,
The Behrend College
A Yellow Submarine
Telephone: (814) 898-6488
Fax: (814) 898-6019
FIN
BEHREND
want to shut him up this year."
Nature seems to be enjoying
the general pissiness of resi
dents. "I mean, you could
someday tell your grandchil
dren that you survived the sec
ond worst winter in Erie histo
ry. But no one ever cares about
a runner-up."
Deciding to embrace medi
ocrity, the city of Erie is print
ing a series of t-shirts, bumper
stickers, and yard signs cele
brating the season.
The slogan will read: "Just
two inches short! (That's what
she said!) Winter 2008-2009."
Evan Koser,
MIA
Neil J. Peters,
Keeping On Keeping On
Marcus Yeagley,
Walking, Talking AP Style Textbook
Emily Reichert,
Rocking the Cupcake Hat
Kay Smith,
Senior Rookie
Jeremy Korwek,
"The Printer is Jammed. FIX IT!"
Keegan McGregor,
Mr. Grumpy Pants
Daniel Smith,
Hey Korea, Give Us Dan Back!
Bethany Long,
Wisely Flies Under the Radar
PANCAKES
PENNSTATE