DISCLAIMER: THIS IS A PARODY - NOT TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY
TheNEW Behrend Bacon
April Fool's Day
SAF RESULTS
SHOW
STUDENTS
WANT MORE
OF THE
BEACON
Jennifer Juncosa
is late for Grey's
idjso6lro psu edu
After getting the results back
from the Student Activity Fee
survey, students have made
known that the Behrend Bea
con should publish biweekly.
"What can I say," said Editor
in-Chief Rachel Reeves, "One
night of stress and agony is not
enough. My grades are going
up again, I'm getting enough
NEW CHANCELLOR CHOSEN FOR 'O9-'lO
Jennifer Juncosa
is late for Grey's
jdjso6lf , i psu.edu
After much deliberation, the
new chancelor has been cho
sen. Bradley C. Kovalcik will
be the new chancellor for the
upcoming academic year.
Despite having no experi
ence running something as big
as the entire school, he plans
on taking the challenge head
on. 'That's what she said)
"Well see, my goal is to be
involved in as many things as
possible," said Kovalcik, "You
know that list of activities you
are involved when you go to
KEN MILLER FINALLY MAKES IT
The Beacon would like to say
congratulations to Ken Miller
for fulfilling his year-long am
bition of finally making a story
above the fold in our newspa
per. We even included his
name.
Behrend to break from Penn State system
The rumors that have been
flying around the Penn State
Behrend campus are true. The
Behrend Beacon has confirmed
that Behrend will end its affili
ation with Penn State Univer
sity effective July 1, 2010.
A source within the adminis
trative offices said, "It is true.
The upper level representatives
from Behrend met with trustees
during their meeting in Her
shey last week to discuss the
prospect of a separation."
The source said the trustees
agreed to the split in a closed
door session and agreed that
the decision should remain
confidential. According to an
other person within the admin
istration the decision is being
kept quiet to keep Behrend's
enrollment numbers high until
the break.
Fifth year senior Frank Bar
ton thinks that is a contradic
tory school of thought.
"Would [Behrend] want to
break from Penn State but keep
it quiet at the same time to keep
Behrend's popularity high?"
Barton said. "They obviously
Contact Us:
Please don't....
Visit us on the web!
No seriously...please don't
E-mail:
Seriously?
Don't.
sleep. It's just completely unac
ceptable."
The Beacon will start pub
lishing May 14 to satisfy the
student's request.
Since the Beacon will now
print twice a week, there will
be no significant material in
one of the issues because most
students will only be willing to
print once a week.
"Stipend? Do I get a bigger
stipend? I am only going this if
I get more money. Seriously, I
can't do this," said photo editor
Keegan McGreggor, who was
seen in the fetal position in the
newsroom shopping cart.
Because of the crumbling
economy and the fact that no
one in that office gets the
money they deserve for the
work they put in, they will use
the revenue from a rumored
your ANGEL? I want mine to
be the LONGEST! [That's
what she said] POW!"
To bring comedy back to the
school, Kovalcik plans on run
ning his term from the inside
of a Gorilla suit that has been
in the Lion Entertainment
Board office for God only
knows how long.
Kovalcik also plans on se
lecting his own cabinet. Se
critary of Defense would be
Robert, the rubber chicken
that he plans to bring along
with him all day on a paper
clip leash.
Dr. Burke supports the selec
tion and wishes him luck.
ABOVE THE FOLD....
By Connor Sattely
managing failure
cisso6o( , i psu edu
During an interview with the
Beacon, Miller was busy mak
ing preparations for a clipping
marathon. He intends to mail
clips of the article to friends
and family, along with framing
it for his office and taping it to
By Lenny Smith
For old time's sake
nolongerastudentofßehrendw psu.edu
know people go here because
of its association with Penn
State."
Sources have said that
Behrend officials wanted to be
a self-governing campus, but
trustees would not grant them
that freedom. The administra
tion, sources tell the Beacon,
want to have complete control
over projects on the campus in
cluding the renovations at the
Reed Student Union Building
and the new Admission and
Alumni Center.
Administrators also want to
determine academic tuition and
fees for the campus, sources
said. Currently, the Board of
Trustees sets tuition rates for
all of Penn State's 26 cam
puses. However, it is no secret
that Behrend officials think the
Behrend campus is better than
smaller Commonwealth cam
puses like Mont Alto.
If Behrend officials were to
mandate tuition hikes, sources
said student could expect to see
a significant increase in tuition
more along the lines of the an
nual increases seen at the uni-
waffle shop the staff is opening
in the office.
To help the Beacon staff cope
with the new change, they will
turn to the Lion Entertainment
Board that is being forced to
help them through a difficult
time.
"The Beacon has gone in
sane. We now have to listen to
them complain two nights?"
said a handful of people in the
LEB office at the time of the in
terview.
Ryan Westwood, President of
Trigon, supports the biweekly
publication. "Biweekly? Sure
sounds better than just
weekly."
The Beacon can only survive
this expansion by making use
of repetition to take up more
space on each issue.
For example:
his fridge at home.
"Thank you so much," said
Miller, tears welling up in his
eyes and moustache quivering
with emotion. "Thank you."
versity's main campus in State
College.
What administrators would
do with that extra money re
mains to be seen, but students
have not been receptive to the
idea.
"That is ridiculous," junior
Michelle Buesink said. love
Behrend, but I don't think we
are on the same level as Univer
sity Park."
A long list of questions still
accompanies the news of the
break including how the deci
sion will affect faculty mem
bers and degree options. It is
still unclear when the univer
sity planned to announce the
break.
Behrend has been associated
with Penn State since 1971. At
that time, it was the only Penn
State campus outside of Uni
versity Park.
Calls for comment to Chan
cellor Jack Burke and several
Board of Trustee members
were not returned as of press
time Tuesday night.
The Best Publication Ever.
He's probably really happy to meet you
DISCLAIMER: THIS IS A PARODY - NOT TO, BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY
After getting the results back
from the Student Activity Fee
survey, the students have made
known that the Behrend Bea-
"The Beacon
staff has gone
insane. We now
have to listen to
them complain
two nights? "
-People in LEB office
con should publish biweekly.
"What can I say," said editor
in-chief Rachel Reeves, "One
night of stress and agony is not
enough. My grades are going
BEACON OPENS WAFFLE HOT
Jennifer Juncosa
is late for Grey's
jdjso6 1 ot psu.edu
The Behrend Beacon has an
nounced that they will be
opening a Waffle House in
their administrative office to
cover costs of a rumored bi
weekly publication.
The staff has been testing
recipies for months and is fi
nally ready to open to the pub
lic.
"Yeah, it could be seen as a
competition for Bruno's," said
Mike Lindner, the manager of
Bruno's, "But with the all of
new renovations and the pub
being built, we shouldn't have
a problem."
The Behrend Beacon will be
taking down the wall between
the production office, the Bea
con administrative office, and
We found this on Google. Hope you don't mind Collegian The Behrend Beaulln
The future design for the new Waffle House that will be in the basement of REED.
up again, I'm getting enough
sleep. It's just completely un
nacceptable."
The Beacon will start pub
lishing May 14 to satisfy the
student's request.
Since the Beacon will now
print twice a week, there will
be no significant material in
one of the issues because most
students will only be willing to
print once a week.
"Stipend? Do I get a bigger
stipend? I am only going this if
I get more money. Seriously, I
can't do this," said photo editor,
Keegan McGreggor, who was
seen in the fetal position in the
newsroom shopping cart.
Because of the crumbling
economy and the fact that no
one in that office gets the
money they deserve for the
work they put in, they will use
VVR
0
the Lion Entertainment Board
(LEB) office to expand the
buisness.
The LEB has shown intense
support for the waffle house.
"If we help them we should
"Good for the
Beacon. They
keep growing
and I couldn't be
more proud."
get free waffles. And everyone
loves free waffles!" said DJ
BURT-A-LASIE-O.
The renovations to the three
offices will be starting as soon
the revenue from a rumored
waffle shop the staff is opening
in the office.
To help the Beacon staff cope
with the new change, they will
turn to the Lion Entertainment
Board that is being forced to
help them through a difficult
time.
"The Beacon has gone in
sane. We now have to listen to
them complain two nightsr
said a handful of people in the
LEB office at the time of the in
terview.
Ryan Westwood, President of
Trigon, supports the biweekly
publication. "Biweekly? Sure
sounds better than just
weekly."
The Beacon's only way to
surviving this expansion is to
make use of repetition to take
up more space on each issue.
as the Behrend Beacon decides
to stop printing because. face
it, they hate doing it. The reno
vations should start tomorrow.
"Good for the Beacon," said
the Ken Miller, "They just keep
growning and I couldn't be
more proud."
The waffle house will be in
the corner of the REED union
building with chairs set up out
side for customers to "people
watch."
"It's good to see that the Bea
con is taking their financial
problems seriously," said ad
vertising manager Michelle
Quail. "Finally I can take a
break and just let them run the
finances on their own."
The Waffle House should be
open to the public before the
end of the Spring 'O9 semester.
Look out for coupons.
-Ken Miller
Contents:
Who we kidding?
There is no content.
HAPPY APRIL
FOOLS!
From: The Beacon