DISCLAIMER: THIS IS A PARODY - NOT TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY TheNEW Behrend Bacon April Fool's Day SAF RESULTS SHOW STUDENTS WANT MORE OF THE BEACON Jennifer Juncosa is late for Grey's idjso6lro psu edu After getting the results back from the Student Activity Fee survey, students have made known that the Behrend Bea con should publish biweekly. "What can I say," said Editor in-Chief Rachel Reeves, "One night of stress and agony is not enough. My grades are going up again, I'm getting enough NEW CHANCELLOR CHOSEN FOR 'O9-'lO Jennifer Juncosa is late for Grey's jdjso6lf , i psu.edu After much deliberation, the new chancelor has been cho sen. Bradley C. Kovalcik will be the new chancellor for the upcoming academic year. Despite having no experi ence running something as big as the entire school, he plans on taking the challenge head on. 'That's what she said) "Well see, my goal is to be involved in as many things as possible," said Kovalcik, "You know that list of activities you are involved when you go to KEN MILLER FINALLY MAKES IT The Beacon would like to say congratulations to Ken Miller for fulfilling his year-long am bition of finally making a story above the fold in our newspa per. We even included his name. Behrend to break from Penn State system The rumors that have been flying around the Penn State Behrend campus are true. The Behrend Beacon has confirmed that Behrend will end its affili ation with Penn State Univer sity effective July 1, 2010. A source within the adminis trative offices said, "It is true. The upper level representatives from Behrend met with trustees during their meeting in Her shey last week to discuss the prospect of a separation." The source said the trustees agreed to the split in a closed door session and agreed that the decision should remain confidential. According to an other person within the admin istration the decision is being kept quiet to keep Behrend's enrollment numbers high until the break. Fifth year senior Frank Bar ton thinks that is a contradic tory school of thought. "Would [Behrend] want to break from Penn State but keep it quiet at the same time to keep Behrend's popularity high?" Barton said. "They obviously Contact Us: Please don't.... Visit us on the web! No seriously...please don't E-mail: Seriously? Don't. sleep. It's just completely unac ceptable." The Beacon will start pub lishing May 14 to satisfy the student's request. Since the Beacon will now print twice a week, there will be no significant material in one of the issues because most students will only be willing to print once a week. "Stipend? Do I get a bigger stipend? I am only going this if I get more money. Seriously, I can't do this," said photo editor Keegan McGreggor, who was seen in the fetal position in the newsroom shopping cart. Because of the crumbling economy and the fact that no one in that office gets the money they deserve for the work they put in, they will use the revenue from a rumored your ANGEL? I want mine to be the LONGEST! [That's what she said] POW!" To bring comedy back to the school, Kovalcik plans on run ning his term from the inside of a Gorilla suit that has been in the Lion Entertainment Board office for God only knows how long. Kovalcik also plans on se lecting his own cabinet. Se critary of Defense would be Robert, the rubber chicken that he plans to bring along with him all day on a paper clip leash. Dr. Burke supports the selec tion and wishes him luck. ABOVE THE FOLD.... By Connor Sattely managing failure cisso6o( , i psu edu During an interview with the Beacon, Miller was busy mak ing preparations for a clipping marathon. He intends to mail clips of the article to friends and family, along with framing it for his office and taping it to By Lenny Smith For old time's sake nolongerastudentofßehrendw psu.edu know people go here because of its association with Penn State." Sources have said that Behrend officials wanted to be a self-governing campus, but trustees would not grant them that freedom. The administra tion, sources tell the Beacon, want to have complete control over projects on the campus in cluding the renovations at the Reed Student Union Building and the new Admission and Alumni Center. Administrators also want to determine academic tuition and fees for the campus, sources said. Currently, the Board of Trustees sets tuition rates for all of Penn State's 26 cam puses. However, it is no secret that Behrend officials think the Behrend campus is better than smaller Commonwealth cam puses like Mont Alto. If Behrend officials were to mandate tuition hikes, sources said student could expect to see a significant increase in tuition more along the lines of the an nual increases seen at the uni- waffle shop the staff is opening in the office. To help the Beacon staff cope with the new change, they will turn to the Lion Entertainment Board that is being forced to help them through a difficult time. "The Beacon has gone in sane. We now have to listen to them complain two nights?" said a handful of people in the LEB office at the time of the in terview. Ryan Westwood, President of Trigon, supports the biweekly publication. "Biweekly? Sure sounds better than just weekly." The Beacon can only survive this expansion by making use of repetition to take up more space on each issue. For example: his fridge at home. "Thank you so much," said Miller, tears welling up in his eyes and moustache quivering with emotion. "Thank you." versity's main campus in State College. What administrators would do with that extra money re mains to be seen, but students have not been receptive to the idea. "That is ridiculous," junior Michelle Buesink said. love Behrend, but I don't think we are on the same level as Univer sity Park." A long list of questions still accompanies the news of the break including how the deci sion will affect faculty mem bers and degree options. It is still unclear when the univer sity planned to announce the break. Behrend has been associated with Penn State since 1971. At that time, it was the only Penn State campus outside of Uni versity Park. Calls for comment to Chan cellor Jack Burke and several Board of Trustee members were not returned as of press time Tuesday night. The Best Publication Ever. He's probably really happy to meet you DISCLAIMER: THIS IS A PARODY - NOT TO, BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY After getting the results back from the Student Activity Fee survey, the students have made known that the Behrend Bea- "The Beacon staff has gone insane. We now have to listen to them complain two nights? " -People in LEB office con should publish biweekly. "What can I say," said editor in-chief Rachel Reeves, "One night of stress and agony is not enough. My grades are going BEACON OPENS WAFFLE HOT Jennifer Juncosa is late for Grey's jdjso6 1 ot psu.edu The Behrend Beacon has an nounced that they will be opening a Waffle House in their administrative office to cover costs of a rumored bi weekly publication. The staff has been testing recipies for months and is fi nally ready to open to the pub lic. "Yeah, it could be seen as a competition for Bruno's," said Mike Lindner, the manager of Bruno's, "But with the all of new renovations and the pub being built, we shouldn't have a problem." The Behrend Beacon will be taking down the wall between the production office, the Bea con administrative office, and We found this on Google. Hope you don't mind Collegian The Behrend Beaulln The future design for the new Waffle House that will be in the basement of REED. up again, I'm getting enough sleep. It's just completely un nacceptable." The Beacon will start pub lishing May 14 to satisfy the student's request. Since the Beacon will now print twice a week, there will be no significant material in one of the issues because most students will only be willing to print once a week. "Stipend? Do I get a bigger stipend? I am only going this if I get more money. Seriously, I can't do this," said photo editor, Keegan McGreggor, who was seen in the fetal position in the newsroom shopping cart. Because of the crumbling economy and the fact that no one in that office gets the money they deserve for the work they put in, they will use VVR 0 the Lion Entertainment Board (LEB) office to expand the buisness. The LEB has shown intense support for the waffle house. "If we help them we should "Good for the Beacon. They keep growing and I couldn't be more proud." get free waffles. And everyone loves free waffles!" said DJ BURT-A-LASIE-O. The renovations to the three offices will be starting as soon the revenue from a rumored waffle shop the staff is opening in the office. To help the Beacon staff cope with the new change, they will turn to the Lion Entertainment Board that is being forced to help them through a difficult time. "The Beacon has gone in sane. We now have to listen to them complain two nightsr said a handful of people in the LEB office at the time of the in terview. Ryan Westwood, President of Trigon, supports the biweekly publication. "Biweekly? Sure sounds better than just weekly." The Beacon's only way to surviving this expansion is to make use of repetition to take up more space on each issue. as the Behrend Beacon decides to stop printing because. face it, they hate doing it. The reno vations should start tomorrow. "Good for the Beacon," said the Ken Miller, "They just keep growning and I couldn't be more proud." The waffle house will be in the corner of the REED union building with chairs set up out side for customers to "people watch." "It's good to see that the Bea con is taking their financial problems seriously," said ad vertising manager Michelle Quail. "Finally I can take a break and just let them run the finances on their own." The Waffle House should be open to the public before the end of the Spring 'O9 semester. Look out for coupons. -Ken Miller Contents: Who we kidding? There is no content. HAPPY APRIL FOOLS! From: The Beacon
Significant historical Pennsylvania newspapers