Friday, April 11,2008
Don’t Forget to Validate Your Parking Mike lc
Laugh Out Loud Cats #345 Adam “Apelad” Koford
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Humor is reason gone mad." (iroucho Marx
Stuck
Sometimes I feel sad on the Because Ido not have all the Like new clothes or new
inside things I want from life shoes
But then I think of the man And I laugh and laugh Then I feel better,
who has no feet
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HOMELESS AND I C£T \), f ' f
FOOTLESS r —* 1 raonfss r >- —7 A f|
PLEASE HELP LZZZZI ■
Weekly Horoscopes
Jeremy Korwek Aries (March 21-
Part-Time Astrologer A P r ‘* 19|: Your iill ' ;,s
... j " ol llovv lllis tia V
idksoo9@psu.edu , ~ ......
should go arc dtller
cnt I'rom what a loved one expects. You want to
sleep all day: your lined one wants to run a 2k
potato sack nice. Decisions, decisions.
Taurus (April 20-May 20): The success or failure
of a project is in the definition. So choose your
dictionary wisely.
Gemini (May 21-June 21): Bouncing ideas off
another luminous mind produces truly brilliant
ideas. However, use the wrong wattage mind and
the light will burn you.
Cancer (June 22-July 22): Being first in line
doesn't matter in the least. Except when it's to see
the M\thblisters in Erie. Pennsylvania.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22): In hard times, you wisely
find an ally so y ou don't hav e to tough it out alone.
Make sure you use the right version of the rule
hook. if you roll a natural 20 you gel an HP +l.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Your ideas on conduct
ing a moral, happy life arc host kept to yourself,
especially if'it involves polygamy and people wor
shiping sou as a prophet.
Libra (Sept. 23-()ct. 23): For a few hours, you'll
I Need to Explain Myself
Bryce Alexander Sayers My submissions to the
staff humorist Beacon have seen a hia
bassooo@psu.edu tus. I’ve just been fight-
ing writer’s block and
have decided to break this silence with a letter of
apology to my loyal readers. By loyal readers I
mean; Jerry, someone I’ve likely never met, and a
pet bird who enjoys reading his cage linings. I am
sorry my brothers and only friends, especially
sorry for using so many masculine pronouns as I
should know better than to assume all of my read
ers are male. There have been genuine problems
and responsibilities keeping me occupied, but
there was still a potential to meet deadlines and I
have failed to deliver.
I know it hasn't reflected well lately, but writing
and drawing really are my passions in life. By
neglecting the humor page and my hobbies in gen
eral I’ve led myself into a downward spiral radiat
ing to other aspects of life. I don't even enjoy
southwestern food anymore. That’s not how a
man should live.
Back in the golden years of 2004-06 the humor
page was more than an outlet. Jerry and his friends
took charge of it and made it into its own club and
interpersonal project. Friction arose between the
editor-in-chief and our department over censor
ship, so we were sticking it to The Man. In
response we transferred our vision to an independ
ently published magazine, "Thalia,” No longer
procrastinating on writing assignments both aca
demic and personal, I was unafraid of criticism
and embarrassment. For once in my life I was
over-achieving. Unfortunately, time went on, and
beside Time lays Fate, the bearer of cruelty.
I left the familiar but mundane Erie for State
College to pursue a film major I wasn’t even guar
anteed. The group carried on without me, but
"D
IX
The Behrend Beacon I
led as if you've mastered the art of limine. I hen
you'll realize you have to get the Def.orean haek
to Doe Brown.
Scorpio (Oct. 24-N0v.21): Sometimes you like to
he seen, heard and noticed. Today is a had day.
The FBI is haek in town and thev're lookinu tor
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): You may not real
i/e that what comes easily for you doesn't for all
Talk with Dr. Connors- he know s a hit about spe
trial abilities.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Perhaps this is not
the moment you have been waiting for your whole
life. Wail a little bit. maybe the next moment will
be the one...nope, not yet. Try again later.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): The world is better
when you follow your dreams, .lust be caret ul
about that sleepwalking one the whole sleeping
near a cliff thing might be a problem.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20): They say "grailm.
you say "public art." Prego. Ragu. it's all made m
the same factors.
Today's birthday (April 11): ’ton heed youi ..hi
to action this month. You do so correctly, once and
for all. That candy wrapper you picked up luo
helped save the planet so much already.
Jerry eventually moved to Los Angeles tstrangely
enough he still sends things to our office for pub
lishing). As for me, reality became a comedy,
which is tragic for those searching for truth.
Coerced by my family, I returned home to finish
school in a more stable environment. Overall it
was the right decision, but it’s a hard change to
accept. As the song laments, “Everyone I know
goes away in the end,” The balcony, formerly
Jerry’s empire is overrun by the Magic players.
They can have it all, but it proved the old group
had dissolved and I was on my own for inspiration
and approval. After Sharkey graduated 1 picked up
the mantle of Humor Page Editor and tumbled it
fantastically, leaving room for Jeremy. He's done
a fine job, but things will never be the same for
me.
If you’ve gone this far in my self-pity, perhaps
you can answer my call for an assistant. I'm look
ing for someone to be on call any time of the day
after school or between classes or when 1 should
be sleeping to discuss: ideas for articles, comics,
screenplays, our favorite music, old movies, u hat
ever. Your primary role is to act as moral support,
but also to keep me grounded and focused on one
task at a time. I tend to brainstorm a lot more than
I act. I cannot pay you in money but 1 can offer
you “mad props,” good for cashing in on my fame
once I make it big. In the meantime there is the
benefit Of getting gifts and free food from my fam
ily, which Jerry certainly milked for all he could.
If interested, you can apply in person or e-mail
me with a compelling essay where you explain
your favorite science fiction story and why it's the
most important metaphor for the human condition
ever. Battlestar Galactica fans and trekkies need
not apply.
Anna Pennington