Friday, November 30, 2007
Just what in the hell is this "Heaven" thing anyways? A new and exciting hypothesis
By Mike Sharkey
—Spiritual Guru, Gaining Guru, etc
Although the number 42 has already
been proposed. most people on this
speck of dust are still looking for the
answer to Life. the Universe, and
Everything. "Why arc we here? Where
are we going? When am I going to get
laid?" Mankind has always been search
ing for answers to the thing we call
Life."'
Major religions believe that doing
deeds thought as favorable by an omnis
cient Being will indeed help send people
to "a better place. - The word "Heaven"
often evokes images of angels, harps,
and virgins in the clouds. Now, we all
know that NASA pilots don't have to
scrape angel guts off their windshields
like bugs, so we can pretty much rule out
the possibility of any sort of happy place
being located anywhere near Earth.
Realistically, why would any sort of god
put the perfect afterlife resort right nett
to the dung heap he had to peel us out of
in the first place? Perhaps that is why us
humans haven't had contact with other
intelligent life in the galaxy. Earth was
exiled to prevent us from bringing down
property values. The Galactic Real
Estate market was suffering enough,
before those Earth people moved into the
Mike SharkevffHE BEHREND BEACON doing stuff. It's been said
Loading screens exist in I lea‘en. hut are much raster than Earth that Heaven's occupants
*The New Testament (Otherwise known as The Old Testament: Part Deux) was released after the much acclaimed success of The Old Testament. Ever since then, movies, hooks, and video games have followed
suit. because everyone lo\ es a sequel
fan sues all car companies for $1 bajillion
By Mike Sharke y
—Serious Newsman. Seriou.sh
Hammond Desmond Schwartz has
come forth with lawsuits for every
major car company in the world. with
more planned for the makers of baby
buggies, tractors, and any other modern
day invention utilizing what he claims is
his ancestor's invention. the wheel
Schwartz
came forward
last Thursday.
but did not
make the news
due to the
sheer absurdi-
ty of his claim.
With the intro-
duction
legal action, -- CONTRIBUTED PHOTOS screwing my
we are now A side tt, side comparison of the cave painting and family for goner
obligated as Hammond Desmond Schwan/. ations," Schwartz
writers of this
paper to at least mention it (if at least on
the humor page)
Using calculus to derive the amount
of money he has been screwed out of,
using the limit to infinity to estimate
how much time it has been since the
wheel was invented, Schwartz claims to
be owed an outrageous "one bajillion
neighborhood, partying and disturbing
the peace. Earth was excommunicated
from the rest of the Universe for being
annoying. Now, as we twirl here in
space. the rest of the Universe is living
life as Earth did in the 19505... Happily.
The husband wears a suit everywhere,
the wife enjoys spending her days in the
kitchen, the kids tuck in their shirts, and
the threat of a nuclear holocaust keeps
everyone docile. Ah, the good ol' days.
But what if this so called Heaven isn't
such a loving and happy place?
Referencing the Bible as one source of
our understanding of Heaven indicates
that Heaven may not be such a happy
place after all. The Book of Revelation
in the New Testament* states:
"And the armies of heaven, wearing
line linen, white and pure, were follow
ing him on white horses. - -Rev. 19:14
Such a statement (and others) can pro
pose the possibility that this Heaven
place isn't all about peaceful harp-pluck
ing. There are more passages talking
about violence in Heaven, but you can
look those up for yourself.
Other typical conceptions of Heaven
include ideas that it's everlasting, and
that y ou'll have to work, hut it won't
involve fatigue or frustration. Rewards
are typically offered for performing good
deeds. All these and other ideas have
lead me to one conclu-
Heaven is a
MMORPG - Massive
Multiplayer Online Role
Playing Game.
If you think about it, the
similarities are uncanny.
In those damned online
games, you enter a virtual
universe unconnected to
Earth, where work is fun.
dragons are possible, and
you earn rewards for
dollars. - Schwartz was quoted as will
ing to settle for a kahillion. hut at the
time of print, carmakers refused to
release any statements on the matter.
"Mv ancestor. - Schwartz told
reporters, "was a brilliant man; ahead of
his time. - Unfortunately, the only
record or proof that Schwartz has is a
sample of DNA he acquired during his
time in the Mediterranean area. Cave
my way of restoring honor to my fami-
ly name
Ford Motor Company has managed to
tie up the case in the courts, so develop
ments in the case may take years. "My
family has waited this long, I can wait a
little while longer," Schwartz said. "My
son Gregor will help finish this."
[ll_3[ D_
- r -
r-
Nothing crushes a man's s
paintings in the
area suggest a
family resem
blance, though
this is dismissi-
ble in court, yet
may help sway a
"These car com-
panies have been
pirit more than another semester.
have no gender. since reproduction is
unnecessary. Just like Heaven.
MMORPGs are genderless.
Mike Sharkey/THE BEHREND BEACON the correct num-
Everyone knows there are no women garners. Always assume that a hot chick you
ber of flowers
meet in a MMORPG is in fact a 3b-year-old male high school gym teacher still kV-
ing in his parents' basement. and give them to
your guru. He
then rewards you with a set of wings, a
harp. and a flame thrower. The gates
open. and the loading screen appears.
After a few minutes, you finally see
Heaven in all its 128 bit glory (since
they're so high tech in Heaven). Clouds
and tons of people you can chat with. It
truly is a marvelous
sight to behold. St.
Peter himself comes
No matter how much you play. the
game will never end, so like Heaven, it is
virtually Eternal. Ah! But wait! The
Bible states:
"Heaven and earth will pass all'aV, but
me Vt'OrCIS Will not pass astas•. - -Matt
24:35
Such as it is with MMORPGs... The
game will not end until the
Administrator or game company goes
out of business and pulls the plug to the
server. End of days. Apocalypse of the
WoW variety.
Consider this following scenario:
Imagine that you are reading this paper,
sitting somewhere having some food, or
waiting for class, when all of a sudden, a
piece of the ceiling breaks and falls on
your head killing you instantly. Not only
would your parents get a hell of a settle
ment, they'd probably sue me for even
thinking such a thing. Now, pretend that
you wake up and find yourself in a new
world. Heaven. We will assume the
builder that put in the ceiling is going to
Hell, since he was a tightwad and used
Journalist Guild goes on strike, but no one is around to write about it
(Photographer salaries go up 1000%)
cheap materials.
You walk up to a friendly looking chap
and ask for some assistance. He begins
by telling you to
go through a
sort of tutorial
up to you and asks
you for help. Oh
how wonderful!
You'd he honored!
Slay a beast? Sure
no problem! Uh. I
can't die here...
Right?
On your way to
the Beast's cave,
you run into some
of the angels that
have already been
in-game since the
beta testing, and
they promptly pwn
Awkward Moments
that involves
you collecting
some wildtlow-
ers. You proceed
to frolic in the
field, running as
fast as you can.
because this
task is mundane
and you want to
get through it as
soon as possi-
hie. You gather
Mike Sharkey/THE BEHREND BEACON
OWNED.
The Behrend Beacon I
your IY
You "resurrect" at a nearby hospital,
where you continue on your way to the
On meeting up with the Beast. you
realize that it's only a Level 1 monster,
and you quickly dispatch it with your
flame thrower. Coming hack to St. Peter.
he rewards you with a magic crown that
gives you I+ vitality...
This goes on for a couple years, but
you begin to tire of the whole Heaven
experience. You've achieved level 100.
and yet you still feel unfulfilled. You
decide to cancel your account. and head
for Hell, where you've heard they have a
spot open for Bela testers.
You sign up for a spot. and you're just
lucky enough to get in. The joke is on
you though. because Hell is in fact still
buggy. resulting in frequent crashes, blue
screens of death, and unwanted midget
porn in your email. The game is released
anyway. and millions of garners suffer
eternally for it. When you try getting
back online in Heaven, you find that
your account has been deleted, and the
server does not accept your connection.
You are stuck in Hell. hoping against
hope that they come out with a patch.
Mike Sharkey
November 29, 2007