Friday, September 28, 2007
Oh Pat, we wish we hardly knew ye
By Jerome Pohl
LA Correspondent
It seems the wind beneath our chairs...er...um..wings. Pat Webster.
is leaving The Beacon. Few had the privilege of knowing Pat. in the
biblical sense, and that includes everyone on the staff, most especial
ly hot redheads. I believe in you Pat, you won't die a virgin, you'll
prove that guidance councilor wrong.
Pat Webster was a plucky little goy from the streets of Guatemala
who came here with not too much in his pocket. just a dream in his
head and a song in his heart. In point of fact this is not Pat. but the plot
to a musical he wrote that never got made because as you can see. it's
a terrible premise.
When I met Pat he was just an aspiring inexperienced contributing
writer to the humor page with only a website full of articles he was
paid to write under his belt. A paltry resume compared to my 10 arti
cles in a campus paper that only got published because my friend was
the editor and pitied me because he thought I had Down Syndrome.
Though Pat gave me his first article a month prior. I didn't publish
it till Sept. 9, 2005. This was because frankly his articles were just
never up to snuff for the page; they were coherent, bitingly sardonic.
and dripping with insightful social commentary, in short they sucked.
But I took young Webster under my wing and tried to teach him that
humor is about silly Photoshops and dirty puns. Due to what I can only
assume was repeated head trauma suffered as a child. Webster was
never able to grasp the concepts.
I continued to publish his articles because he at this point out-ranked
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HUMOR
This is just the excess gas behind the turd, so it ducsnt smell had
me at the paper. He rose from contributing humor writer to Jen's Ass
to Assistant Managing Editor to Managing Editor to secret Editor in
Chief to a new position we created called Captain Newstastic that out
ranked the entire Beacon Advisory Board in a matter of months. This
title was never published since Pat deemed it to he showy. and the
printing of it beneath him. Though he did accept a crown made of the
radius and ulna of Joseph Pulitzer.
Pat was able to rise though the ranks so quickly because of his ded
ication, his professionalism, and this thing he does with his tongue.
Pat's main duty as Captain Newstastic was making sure the editoress
of the time Annie Sevin never made any actual decisions, as her deci
sions were always had, as they always involved canceling the humor
page and drawing and quartering its editor. Sevin was eventually
silenced when former future editor and general roustabout Chris
"Hitler" LaFuria reduced Sevin to 6.9.
Pat was also the protector of the humor page, and its editor, as
Beacon humor editors have a penchant for making fun of people.
resulting in their frequent stabbings. Since the Beacon Advisory hoard
was disbanded in spring 2007, Pat's departure creates a huge power
vacuum that will likely result in the paper being sold to Walter P.
Thatcher.
Through four editors Pat has done their job for them and taken none
of the credit and all of the responsibility. Now that Pat is leaving we
must pause to ask, why did we put up with that guy for so long? By
writing and editing the majority of the paper by himself. he totally
made us look had. Pat will now he retiring to coach the Norwegian
Winter Olympic team and to light rival news teams in San Diego.
Orion fo'ind dead after being charged with rape
By Mike Sharkey
co-editor-in-chiel; humor edit°,
and a bunch of other stuff
Just after last week's fiasco dude with a
involving the ban on naked hormone
wrestling. Orion ((Omer advo- proble 111
cate for nude wrestling) was
found dead on the beach of the
Dread Sea, with an arrow stick
ing out of his face, and scorpion
bites on his ankles. Just the week
before, he was arrested on sever
al counts of indecency including
sodomy, bestiality, and statutory
rape. An anonymous tip was left
for police as to where Orion
would be during this illicit act,
and in following the tip, police
found Orion with a young man
named Ursa (a minor no less).
" Yeah, we knew it was him,
because the first thing we saw
was Orion's Belt, and he wasn't
wearing it," said police officer
Libra. "What we saw next was months, and grew Orion. The
downright disgusting. - continued truth of the matter is slightly
Libra. "just imagine the sight of more disturbing. After Orion was
some his 2
gettlng
dow 11 and
dirty with
an under-
aged hear.
It's sick. I
tells ya.-
Or ion
was horn in
the Nevada
hills, were
radiation
abounds
and inbred
families run rampant. To this day. herd. Irieus. Irieus was not avail
his father. Poseidon, claims that able for comment.
he urinated on an ox skin, and As Orion grew in age, so did
buried it underground for nine his lust for women. One of his
w
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Christophe
The Behrend Beacon I *e/X3OO.
LaFuria
lovers, Artemis, said "his sexual
appetite was insatiable. He even
tually got bored with me, and
claimed he was going to look for
something 'a little more excit
to have seen Mg.'"
horn, neigh
bors claim
-- 96
the father
Poseidon
take a "leak
on his [new
born] son
and then ran
off to Las
Vegas with
his girl
friend
Aethra
Orion was
left to he
raised by a
poor shep-
After Orion's arrest. police
found his two hunting dogs,
Canis Major and Canis Minor,
who were also suffering from
apparent signs of rape. and are
now seeking counseling.
Ursa Major. owner of the
Greek Hotdog Wagon on fifth
street, and mother of the young
Ursa. is one of the prime suspects
in the murder case. Witnesses say
that Major cursed Orion in the
middle of his hearing, shouting,
"I will he the alpha of your
omega, douchebag!''
Major has been missing for
several days, and there is a war
rant out for her arrest.