a 33 I The Behrend Beacon
Thank You, Sober Girl
By Jerome Pohl
LA Correspondent
I have seen two oceans this
summer, the Atlantic and the
Pacific, along with plenty of the
land in between. I think the fur
ther you are from the ocean, the
worse life is. New York is awe-
some. L.A. is awesome, and
Nebraska is the only place lye
been that rivals Newark in how
awful it is.
I'll start on the Atlantic, w ith a
truly aquatic
adventure. Ha \ c
you ever heard of
the Cone, Island
Mermaid Day
Parade? Neither
had I. Well \ou r
new editor Bryce
mvsclf
braved a mid-
night journey on
the Brooklyn Q
train to see the
beautiful glitter-
ing isle before
Thor Equities
tears it down this , C, , W
,
lin , . il ls \ L'lll a.ur.ilh happened
winter. Que sera
sera as they say: it wasn't a real
island anyway. just a place in
Brooklyn.
We sampled some famous
overpriced cuisine, laughed at a
crappy overpriced haunted house.
and shot an underprivileged
black child for the bargain price
of $5. It's a carnival game called
Shoot the Freak. Before telling
you that "the freak" is just some
kid in a helmet, they sell you
some paint halls and send you to
it. This urban youth with a face
mask listlessly stumbles before
you, in what can only he
described as an interpretive dance
proclaiming. "1 regret many , of
my life choices." You kinda don't
even want to shoot him, hut
you've already spent your money.
so you take aim and fire away.
Bryce got in a head shot.
Rampage. Killing spree. Finish
Adventure pt. 2 (Read 1 first)
Richard Simmons jumps Out. and you let out a
scream of terror. You rush through the open win
dow, not remembering that you were on the second
floor of your house. Thankfully, you land on a tram
poline that happened to he below your window.
Unfortunately. the force of the spring hurdles you
up through the air and into you neighbor's pool.
Luckily, your hot neighbor is in the pool, and offers
you a happy ending. Sadly, your neighbor is a 54
A scene from one of the final films from the silent era, circa 2004
Have Something Funny? Submit to me!
By Bryce Sayers
Humor Editor
Here at the Behrend Beacon, we are dedicated to bringing you only the best in humor. Unfortunately there
are only so many regular contributors and we can only do so much with the content they (I) provide. Now
is the chance to be heard, or at least read! Have a comic? Perhaps a funny picture or story? Maybe you
have a controversial opinion article that you want to sneak into the paper under a sea of jokes, it all works,
and if it can sell in Penn State Erie, it'll sell anywhere. Get your start at the humor page. Submit original
works in Word or Photoshop compatible format to me, Bryce Sayers at Bassoo4@psu.edu. Be sure to indi
cate in the subject line that it's a contribution to the humor page and include your full name in the message.
For typed contributions it is highly recommended to include your name and title in the work itself.
Remember, if we can't credit the author, we can't print it. You have only yourself to blame.
Disclaimer: All atticles
him. 'Toasty!
Our lust for violence quenched
hti empathetic despair, we pro
ceeded to the confusion de resist
ance. the Mermaid Parade. The
largest collection of lovable
freaks outside of Anthrocon con
vened on to Wand du Coney
t0...we1l Fin still not sure. They
had a parade, then a party. and the
whole time the' were dressed as -
- well the theme was mermaids.
but there were also Vikings,
robots, cross dressers, pirates,
Pohl/LA CORRESPONDENT
Jerome
ninjas -- picture Halloween in
July. then get blessed with gum
and you'll start to get it.
Well on the Subway ride home
-- home that night being a friend's
place in Brooklyn which I wasn't
sure I could find -- we got enough
Mermaid antics to make up for a
quarter century of missed oppor
tunities. The cast included.
among others: a Ns ()man in a blue
fishnet body stocking and a bra
(and nothing else), a man in a
hula skirt wearing sunglasses at 3
a.m (drunkenly looping a song on
the ukulele), a girl in a pink prom
dress and tiara with a big fake
scar across her face (for some
reason crying). and a girl with a
hula hoop whom I will describe
as "the sober one," in that she was
the only one who would say any
thing to me other than. "W 0000!"
So she explained what
year old hairy male playboy. You rush out of the
pool into the road. hoping to find a car to help you.
Indeed, a car does slow down to help, but as you
round to the driver's side, you catch a glimpse of
your reflection in the window... Yes, you are infact
Richard Simmons. and what you saw was your
reflection in a mirror in your house. The car speeds
away into the night, in terror
HUMOR
It tastes like melted Christmas decorations
Mermaid Day is, and that it's
their silver anniversary, and
attempts to teach me to hula,
hoop style. Well after a few
blocks of rolling with the
Merpeople, the lady in the blue
fishnets pulled out a pack of
Strident gum, and everybody
became really happy: happier
than vou'd think one should be to
see gum. She opened it up, and it
didn't look like traditional gum.
Well years ago I thought gum
was only long pink rectangles,
then I saw a blister
pack of Orbitz, so
what do I know?
Her "gum" is blue,
and translucent,
and paper then;
like those mint
breath strips.
ahead of the narra-
five. it's rude.
She didn't just
hand the gum to
her compatriots
either. She put it
on their tongues
and gave them indi-
vidualized bless
ings. She put her hands on some
one's cheeks and said, "With this
gum, I thee wed." She shoved
another's forehead hack shout
ing. "The power of gum compels
you!" It looked like fun, so I sat
down next to her, said, "I want to
get blessed with gum," and
opened my mouth. Unbeknownst
to me, it was a pivotal moment in
the evening. Just before she was
about to bless me. "the sober one"
abruptly grabbed me by the arm,
looked me in the eye and matter
or-factiv said, "That's acid."
Since I wasn't sure I could find
where Bryce and 1 were sleeping
that night even with my wits
about me, I decided that this was
not the night to realize that I
could taste the moon. So I
declined her generous offer and
only got lost once on the way
home.
fhe End
Mike Sharkey/THE BEHREND BEACON
ti i„,
- Christopher LaFuria
In an alternate timeline, old George McFly travels hack in time in Back To The Future
Reasons why Penn State Behrend does not have a NORML Chapter
By Bryce Sayers
Humor Page Editor
NORML, or the North American Organization
for Reform of Marijuana Laws, is the club for peo
ple in favor of at least partial legalization of
cannabis use. While Behrend. fortunately (or unfor
tunately) currently does not have a NORML chap
ter, though if it did, these might possibly be some of
the consequences if such a club was established on
campus:
-Too many engineering majors would make their
senior project "building the perfect bong. -
-There are no places to eat on campus open late at
-A negative stigma would he attached to the club
by the balcony people who would confuse
"NORML" with "Normal"
Choose Your Own Beacon Adventure
By Mike Sharkey
Co-Editor-in-Chief
You pick up a copy of the
Behrend Beacon and start reading
the Humor Page. It looks rather
bleak, but a certain article catch
es your eye. "Choose Your Own
Beacon Adventure," and you start
to read. It says:
"Continue reading if you dare!
The choices you make will affect
how this article ends! If you
choose incorrectly, you will suf
fer a terrible fate!"
Of course, you take this as lit
erally as you would seeing a
spam e-mail telling you how to
grow your... well you don't take it
seriously. Since your class has
already started, and you've
already missed the quiz you were
supposed to take, you sit and con
tinue reading.
"You're sitting in your room,
listening to music through a set of
headphones when you think you
hear a noise coming from out
side. Pulling your headphones
off, you look out the window, but
your eyes cannot focus in the
black night. Thinking it was
nothing, you return your head
phones back to your ears, and
start up Queen's 'Bohemian
Rhapsody' again. There, you hear
the noise again, and get off your
bed, throw on your pants, and
head out with a flashlight.
-Too many sociology and political science majors
would title their senior theses "There'd totally be no
more war if we all just smoked a bowl
-The journalism department would have to
accommodate for a Gonzo Journalism sub-major.
-The humor page might actually become funny.
Whether or not this would be due to an increase in
objective quality, however...
-The limited space at the Union building would
require the club to share a room with another club.
The NORML nameplate would inevitably be a hot
potato passed between the rest of the student organ
izations.
-Aqua Teen Hunger Force: Movie Film for
'Theatres would he the LEB feature several weeks in
There are two areas of the
house that were always creepiest
to you, the second floor and the
basement
If sou search the upstairs, read
section "pt. 2" to the left.
if von search the basement, read
section - pt. 3" below.
Choose now!
"You proceed down the stairs
to the basement. As a child, you
were always feeling as though
something was right behind you,
but you always tried to be brave.
Tonight was different. There was
a creeping sensation on the back
of your neck, and a lurching in
the pit of your stomach. Step by
step, you proceed down the noisy
stairs, trying your damnest to
keep quiet, so as to sneak up on
any hidden foes. Finally touching
the cold basement floor, you
curse the fact that you forgot to
put shoes and socks on. Darkness
reaches off in all directions, and
your flashlight provides little
comfort.
"THERE! You hear the noise
again. You whip the flashlight
over to a dark corner. Nothing.
Behind you! Nothing. Ah ha! The
Friday, September 7, 2007
Jerry PohULA CORRESPONDANT
stairs whine against the force of
some intruder's footsteps. You
rush towards the steps. This is the
last chance to catch the interlop
If you rush to the upstairs. read
section "pt. 2" to the left.
If you rush outside, read section
"pt. 4" below
Choose now!
"You rush out through the now
opened front door into a snowy
winterscape. 'This isn't right! It's
only September!' The frost nips
your nose... oh wait! That's not
frost! An elderly Jack Nicholson
jumps out at you with an ax
screaming something about
Johnny Carson."
You put the newspaper down,
realizing that the article maked
absolutely no sense. Standing up
and getting ready for your next
class, you suddenly realize that
maybe the article was only meant
to make you think. Perhaps there
is a deep philosophical meaning
to it all. Think about it.
The End