6 I The Behrend Beacon
IiUMOR Friday, March 23, 2007
I like the way your lazy eye is looking at me. I think.
T
o c. p five of the wee ••. I am Liz hear me roar
,
By Chris LaFurial3,. • Liz Cybulski tern will crash at 12 00 01 and won't be up and run
- -, staff writer fling for at least ten minutes. Then your computer
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---,,, and Penn State become the target of an explicative
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.3 I'm saying to hell with intros this week. You filled rant. And just for good measure, you throw in
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know the drill. I think it. I write it and you laugh a few yells to your roommate or friends asking over
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,•„4: I,c %ik . ,Nrtl.etroolo We all heard about the twelve-year-old Boy and over "Have you gotten through yet?!" and "Is
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t A' . ~e;< Scout who went missing for four days in North it working for you
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i, Carolina. Apparently, the kid didn't want to be Alright, I'm the type of girl who can own up to
Top 5 things to bring back 4 ll,-5,, , , , #4, fly' camping anymore with his troop, so he wanted to her mistakes. In my last article I pointed out that
- , hitch-hike home. To reiterate, the kid went off hik- even though we lost St. Patty's Day as an "in
from the 1980's. ,
.., ~ , mg in the woods to try and hitchhike home because school" holiday due to Spring Break, we gained
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it ;,";;; - . r .,.,e f i he didn't want to be camping. Why in God's name Cinco De Mayo on the last weekend of the semes
'74 , did you join Boy Scouts if you don't want to go ter. I completely over looked the fact that the last
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~, i camping'? That's like becoming a police officer and weekend of the semester is weekend before finals.
1.- - - I. ' ' *i saying "I don't like handcuffs, guns, and dough- The weekend with the most ridiculous rule ever:
1 nuts." I'm also not going to touch the whole "want- Quiet Hours. My once present excitement over this
rall
4. Keytars .
• ~ r 4 i ed to hitchhike home" idea because all I can think holiday has now been infiltrated by the know ledge
rnPfil A ;''' is "what a dumb ass" on that one that those few anal RAs that exist are going to ruin
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- Time for a little Behrend Campus advice direct- some celebrations. And I speak for all those who
CONTRIBUTED PHOTO
3. Andre Agassi with hair New JV. K-0 didn't work out, bring back the original ed towards all the dudes living in Lawrence. Hi, are not 21 yet who don't have the option of Cinco
gentlemen, perchance do you have a window fac- De Mayo'ing it up on State Street - Elf Quiet
ing the apartments 'lf so, can I remind you to close Hours and all they stand for.
2. Mr. Potato Head your blinds when you're in your dorm room doing Once again the world has been graced with a
the After Shower Naked Flexing man ritual' ) super hard math equation being solved.A team of
Because believe it or not, those of us who have 18 mathematicians and computer scientists solved
apartment windows that face your building can def- the "Lie group E 8" puzzle which is 120-years-old
1. Michael Jackson Classic finitely see you when you don't close the blinds and involves symmetrical objects and differential
And no, you don't have a body like the guys in the calculus. The solution, which took four years to
movie "300". There wouldn't be as much laughing get, is so complicated that the team says if it was
the ink r\l '(i e lked on our end if you did. AllF allxl ,0 week s begins enles tr the sc process hed u l
iScheduling
g o l f s s a c i h w e a d y u s l i n u g ,
h t oar handwritten out it would cover the entire island of
p M ra ant a tt l an pp E lic y sa e t n ion thc i i t ug ‘ h ml t d he po ctu lN l , a a n d o k n in h s a e sno
the
fun time isn't it'? You sit anxiously by your comput- oretical physics and geometry. FUN! And outside
makes Jerry a Cold boy er waiting to log on right at midnight so you can of using words in this paragraph that never show up
hurriedly type in those course numbers and obtain on a Humanities major's transcripts, there's proba
all the classes you have planned for the upcoming bly some engineers and math majors peeing them-
By Jerry Pohl zo/.6 13041 •• - selves with excitement over this
assistant humor page editor *MO* .17:114I
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, 0 T The Life of a Comic, as told by Herbert Filby
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Mike Sharkey
http://HerbertFilby.com March 23, 2007
All snow and no sun makes Jerry a
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Editor's note: Jerry was charged with being the caretaker of the
Beacon office mer spring break. We found this article in the
printer when we got hack. If anyone has seen Jerry please contact
the Beacon office at extension 6488.
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Try the fast food diet
By Ben Raymond
humor editor
A recent study revealed that eating fast food
could be the best thing for you. The study was con
ducted last weekend at 2 a.m. outside of a
McDonald's drive-thru. It has no basis in scientif
ic fact, and it also may have only consisted of
yelling "Wahoo, double cheeseburger!" and sever
al cars honking their horns, but wouldn't it be nice
if it were true?
If fast food is your thing, there are a lot of things
to consider. Just picking a restaurant could be hard
enough. It's like an epic battle of which sludge gets
to grace your stomach. It is about time for a show
down of the patty flipping juggernauts. Let's round
up Ron McD, The King, Wendy, and the Arby's
oven mitt. This is a possible scenario of how the
rumble would go down.
It would be like a steel cage match. Last out is
the loser. Imagine it as a Arby's would be out first
because they don't serve burgers. They have noth
ing to prove. Its roast beef and curly fries. If you
have a problem with that you are a terrorist.
Wendy would be the next out of the "griddle of
death." Square burgers? Honestly, you are serv
ing something that looks like it was removed from
a persons roof and calling it all natural. Come on.
You aren't fooling anyone with those freckles.
Those aren't cute little pigtails, those are horns
fella.
So who is left to duke it out but that clown Ron
and the King with his smile that says, "Hey! You
like this robe? Yea it's nice isn't it? I enjoy show
ing up at awkward times with a delicious treat for
you, but that's only so you don't see the camera I
left in your room."
Tough luck Morgan Spurlock. You may have
eliminated the super size option on the menu with
your little film (Supersize Me), but the clown's still
laughing. It turns out no matter what you show
people, they usually know but here's the kicker.
•
please
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Ne eminnelY, I'm getting out of NO? Waln ten• lonaxtie do t° *gilds "job" mail: cslslX4OpiaLedu
They are still going to do whatever they want.
Of course it's unhealthy to eat deep fried food
three times a day. Just walk down the sidewalk and
count the people that have trouble tying or seeing
their shoes. Following what has been termed, the
"Maybe instead of taking the time to blame fiction
al characters for high blood pressure, maybe take it
out on a punching bag or a treadmill.
Now, time is a precious commodity these days,
but just set that good ol' TiVO or what our ances
tor's used to call a VCR and go do something.
Getting regular exercise actually increases energy
levels among most people. It's called stamina.
Heaven forbid you get sweaty from an activity
other than reaching for the remote on the floor
that's just out of your reach, but give it a try.
Not everyone that is overweight or obese is a
product of their environment. There are real med
ical conditions that effect people's metabolism's
and can create a lifetime of hardship and trying to
balance that out.
But for a growing number of people there is a
condition called L.A.Z.Y. Sleep and rest is just as
important to a healthy life as exercise, but when
you start to resemble certain slug-like character's
from certain George Lucas films, it may be time to
take a closer look at your habits.
The big thing is to be comfortable with yourself.
Trade that soda for regular water now and then, get
that salad, but maybe this time don't let your lettuce
drown in dressing. Remember the part about how
you're going to do whatever you want. That still
applies. There is no agenda to this, just some things
to think about. Here are three facts to take with you
for whatever you do: 1. It takes fifteen minutes for
your stomach to realize that it's full. 2. The amount
of time it takes to go through the drive-thru is the
same amount of time it would take to put in a load
of laundry and still have time to make a healthy
sandwich. 1. You can eat several meals a day for a
week for the same price you could eat four meals at
a restaurant.