I The Behrend Beacon
What I think about in class
By Liz Cybulski
staff writer
Well, sports fans. there's something we've
learned from this past football season. If it's the
championship game and you run back the opening
kick-off for a touchdown, You will in fact lose the
game. The play may he awesome, hut it screws
the team over in the end. Just ask Sexy Rexy and
"Way-to-let-the-lieisman-Down" Smith.
My mother included this advice in a recent
email to me: "Please dress as warmly as you can
without looking like a nerd. - Now all you readers
know from whence my smart mouth came.
In my last article, the copy editors cut out the
punch line to one of my jokes. The original line
"your parents will no longer force you to eat veg
etables you seriously don't like or make you be a
part of the 'clean plate club — was changed to
"...no longer force you to eat vegetables you seri
ously don't like or make you he a part of the nor
mal population.'' Not only was the sub-in not
funny, I don't agree with it. The older you are the
MORE your parents should encourage you being
a part of the normal population. If not, you might
just end up being one of those people lounging in
their underwear in their mom's house yelling for
more meatloaf.
I can't believe some girls still have rhinestone
sayings or words printed on pants that they wear
in public. I'm so tempted to walk up to these
ladies and ask if "I'm a walking fashion faux pas"
can be bedazzled on their next pair and assure
them that yes, your ass is big enough to fit the
whole phrase.
Just in case you are wondering, don't go for the
Bruno's trays. Dobbins' plexi-trays are more con
ducive in picking up speed going down the hill
behind Science.
r I r
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1 free pair of huevos
Good for asking out that one
person that you don't have
the. . guts to ask out
Get a pair today.
!fittoot
eh-
I know we all love to bitch and moan about not
getting classes cancelled for snow or low temper
atures. But hey, the university is actually smart on
this one. They know there's no reason to cancel
classes since we would just use cancelled classes
as an excuse to still go out to the bars and par
ties...like we do on the weekends anyways.
However, they may not have factored in that lec
tures and formulas aren't as big as a motivator for
facing the elements as alcohol and flirting.
Aren't you glad you're not in elementary school
anymore for Valentine's Day? This holiday was
not as fun as the rest because you knew the time
was coming where you were going to be forced to
hand out a valentine to everyone. Not just your lit
tle pals, or the person you had a crush on, but even
the weird kid who's desk wouldn't shut because
he had too much crap in it and couldn't zip up his
pants even if they had picture instructions on
them. It was then that you picked whichever of
your Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles or Strawberry
Shortcake valentines conveyed the least
Valentine's Day spirit and gave that one to
him/her. And let's not even mention how the stay
at-home moms would come in and make up some
Valentine's Day crafty thing with Elmer's glue,
popsicle sticks, a piece of yarn, and one of those
paper lacey doily thingies. Even MacGyver was
impressed.
A student at the University of Massachusetts is
suing his Philosophy professor. He is suing
because his expected 'A' grade dropped to a C
when the professor dropped the grading scale.
This student was probably just not paying atten
tion when this professor brought up the philoso
phy, "I'm the professor, I make up the rules." And
surprise, surprise this student is studying to be a
lawyer. Way to hold up the "no one likes lawyers"
stereotype, bucko.
I'M RIGHT!!! i
■ ■ ■ 7 IEI _N
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Immediate argument ender. 1
For men only!
(because women arc always right)
Wu**
Oran*
Aptlititov
=II
press space •ar to or• t e river
~S
4
nail
\ Ben Raymond
Free Pass
The Friend Zone
Avoid an amazing relationship,
go directly to being friends. 1 1
T e Life of a Comic, as told by Herbert Filby
I received a letter (he asked me to / She included her
from a young lady 4.7 N be her Valentine,
.-. photo, and she is • •
named Chastity.um and I about died • absolutely aft
z",'"w right there! It `` stunning!
gets so lonely in 111 ~....rm in love! 1
...,.. here.
.1 I
What's this?! Chastity' Why have
ei:. That's her right : -. :N you forsaken
over there! umi, meeeee????
Y .... ,
11
Mike Sharkey
http://HerbertFilby.eom February 8, 2007
You've probably never heard of it. I founded it, have tried to popularize it, and it has not caught on well.
's is a successful failure. The articles I've written about it have not been funny. Again, I have succeeded at
ailin.. Ironical! the success of TTFD is somethin. I was unable to do thus kee in with the s irit of the da .
Saturday the 10th
U.S. Experimental Sheep Station
Remembrance Day
Lest we forget
Sunday the 11th
Quail Hunting with the Elderly Day
The first anniversary of the day that Vice
President Dick Cheney shot an old man in the face.
Thanks for reminding me, Madam Speaker.
Monday the 12th
International Anti-Holiday Day
This is a day set aside to not have a holiday on
it, unlike the rest of the calendar. Celebrate by
,rnaking up a pointless personal holiday.
New Holidays
Brought to you by
The Humor Page
Conflict of interest since 2002 By Jerry Pohl
Friday the 9
- Fourth Annual Try To Fail Day
Friday, February 9, 2007
MOVES
Make one, take one free
No double coupons.
Offer expires after 2:00 a.m
Tuesday the 13th
Funniest Day to Dump Your Boyfriend Day
For added emasculation, use the dinner reserva
tions he made for you a month ago. Also, set him
up with your token fat friend, then call him
ungrateful for declining. •
Wednesday the 14th
Remember, only four shopping weeks left until
Pi Day on 3/14. If you haven't been invited to a
mathematics conference by now, face it, you've
been snubbed.
Also Valentine's Day (Canada)
Thursday the 15th
Lupricalia
The ancient roman festival of Lupercus. The
awesome holiday the Christians plagerized to make
Saint Valentine's Day. They also took out the best
parts, which probably bared resemblance to the
movie Caligula.
omens.
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