Friday, December 15, 2006
A holiday to forget:
Tales of winter breaks gone but unfortunately not forgotten
By Behrend
contributing college
Many of us have had to endure hard times in our
lives. This is a collection of stories from Behrend
students and staff from winter breaks past. Just a
little something positive to look forward to before
you head home, wherever that may he.
I remember when I was little, this same lady sang
at church every Christmas and she Sang so high
that I and my two best friends always used to cover
our ears. We got in so much trouble.
I slipped on ice walking to my bus, everyone saw
me, I got up and ran hack to my house crying. And
I never fall asleep in church, I just burn myself and
my brother with candle wax when we're singing
"Silent Night."
When I was eight. my dad decided it'd be an
excellent idea to use the lawnmower and plow off
our 12 ft. deep pond with it. Needless to say, in the
very middle of the pond, the lawnmower fell
through, and the plow blade snagged the ice so that
it was hanging by a 6" x 6" corner of the plow. We
had to put hoards underneath it and cut the ice to
pull it into the hank. Our "Christmas Ice Skating
Party" didn't happen that year.
When I was in 4th grade I went ice skating with
my friend and she couldn't stop, and I fell on top
of her and broke her ankle.
My parents bought a real Christmas tree last year
and put it in the Honda Element. My dad took it out
of the car and proceeded to place it in the tree hold
er. He heard squeaking and looked in the tree. A
mouse was in it. My dad then gets a screwdriver
and drove the screwdriver into the tree repeatedly
to kill the mouse. That didn't work, so he goes into
the house and grabs hot water. He pours it on the
tree and nothing happens. He grabs the hose and
then sprays it on the tree, nothing happens. Finally,
he sees the thing move and grabs the screwdriver
and repeatedly stabs it. After that my dad decides
to burn it in a pot and scream, "you bastard, could
n't hide from me...you bastard." We now do not,
get real Christmas trees.
One year my grandma didn't recognize me when
I came to get her for church. She thought I was
going to rob her and called the cops.
There was the year that my mom put the turkey
in at 8 am and it didn't come out until 6 pm. The
bread was burnt and my relatives were too drunk to
So, freshman year I took a Poli Sci honors class
that was at 11 a.m. Mon., Wed., Fri...but our final
was at Sam (so I'm instantly pissed). Since it was
an honors class, most of the people in my class
lived in Almy, so we all decided to walk down
together. So it's like 7:45 a.m. and it is my first
final in college ever and I buy a Dr. Pepper to walk
down the hill and keep me awake. So like 10 of - us'
walk down from Almy to this final in Turnbull. We
go down the glass staircase and I light a cigarette as
we are walking past Senat. We arc walking, and
since it's so early, no one had plowed the steps yet.
So we're walking. everyone is making fun of me
for smoking, and I am toward the back of the
group.
Everyone else is like halfway down the steps by
Perry and like yelling hack to me about the steps
being slippery. I'm being a cocky ass at 7:45 in the
morning smoking my cigarette and drinking my Dr.
Pepper. Sure enough, halfway down the middle of
the steps I slip, fall, slide down to the bottom of all
the steps. It was absolutely hysterical, hut rest
assured, I neither lost/damaged my cigarette nor
shook my pop at all. So I was in severe pain from
the laughing and the fall and had to take my first
final EVER (and at gam) with a wet ass from
falling in the snow/ice.
I was at an ex-boyfriend's grandparent's house
visiting them for the holidays and I looked nice and
all. I was walking through the yard with gifts
under one arm & my purse under the other.
Because of the snow, I didn't notice the ditch I was
heading straight for. I went down, the gifts went in
the air with my purse. He stood laughing at me
until I was thoroughly soaked by snow. So I had to
spend the entire day damp and in his clothes while
his grandmother, whom I had never met before
,dried my clothes in the dryer.
I lived in Senat Hall last year and I'd always
leave for my class in Turnbull from the bottom
doors by the maintenance closets. Instead of walk
ing the entire way over to Reed, I'd scuffle down
the little hill behind Health and Wellness. One day,
there was a bunch of snow on the ground, but I did
it anyway. I wiped out in front of a bunch of girls,
and it wasn't just like I slipped a little. My feet
came up over my head and I landed in my own mis
ery and self-consciousness in the snow.
Ez!
[ ri_\/[ D
- r -
1--
Spirit of Christmas
haunts Bruno's
By Jerry Pohl
A macabre spectre has been
tunting Bruno's this week
fore finals. Some students
speculate that it is a fallen sol
dier from the War on Christmas,
a war which many elves criti
cize Santa for getting them into,
citing that it turns out the
Grinch had no WMDs, just a far
too emo MySpace account.
•
op five of the wee .••
By Brad Kovalcik
staff writer
It's finals week and I think everyone is as Bang
eady for a break as I am. After sitting and star
ng at my computer screen for an hour, I came up
ith the... Hea d :
Top 5 Signs you are su ff ering from semester
burn out:
5. You spend hours studying and
Here
can't remember what subject it
was for after you close the hook.
4. You've started to answer yourself.
3. You lose track of where you were and what you were doing for hours at a time, an.
this time there wasn't even alcohol involved. 2. You come out of class and can'
emember where you live.
1. If someone starts talking to you, you immediately think that they're on your case.
The season of giving
Buy Ben Raymond
humor editor
When it comes to Christmas time, people say I
any a "scrooge. - Those people are right. I'm down
with J.C.'s birthday party on the 25th, hut other
than that. I find the rest of it a little depressing.
Take. for example, the fact that I go home so
infrequently that I am now allergic to my house. I
blame my dog Eddie. The little fur ball is 15 years
old and just stinks up the place. A dog's life
expectancy is only about 12 years. I swear he is
sticking around just to make me suffer. Like he's
thinking, So you thought it was litnny when you
used to pull Inv lad / got sot, HOLY Just Walt and
see what I left un your pillow. So I get the choice
of having my throat and eyes swell up, or take
allergy medicine and float around in a deep hate
for the rest of my visit. Which, with all things
considered, might not he that bad.
One of the most awkward situations, which I try
to avoid at all times, is talking to people from high
school. No, I didn't say friends, just the people
that went to high school with. The kids that you
never hung out with, just kind of nodded your
head at when you passed them in the halls. If I am
filling up at the gas station and they walk up to me
they might say something like, "Hey. I haven't
seen you in forever. - The whole time I am just
thinking, "Yea there is a reason for that. - It is like
in their heads, all of a sudden not having seen you
in four years makes them your long lost friend.
Now I reali/e that there arc about 3,000 com
muters on this campus, hut there are at least 1.000
residents here. One of the things I hear all the time
is, "there's nothing to do in Erie." False. 1 love
going home to see my family hut alter three days I
find myself slowly hacking towards the door with
my car keys and images of 1-80 in my head. It is
nice to take a break from Behrend, hut the more
years I've been here, the sooner I want to come
hack.
I have also realized a change in the way
Christmas Day works. When I was little I would
Teas sufferec I through enomh years
_ at the childrenos taffe,
and from this day forward" is "ermined
to sit at the adultos table.
The Life of a Comic, as told by Herbert Filby
Our hero's previous Unfortunately, these Now, new measures have
exploits in The Lia have traits won't help the fact been implemented to
proven that strong that the Artist, who's contain the comic, such as
perseverance and cartoon avatar was reinforced steel
willpower will help crushed by our hero newspaper lining, and
overcome any obstacle.. previously, is still alive... security alarms up the
want).
/ .
\- 4 " -
C:itait, this isn't *Sob* Now time for A r — .. *Sob*
well deserved
retirement in my a beach house.. (Will this eve . rs ' l7
newnew beach house. end ,
beach
....
http://HerbertFilby.com Mike Sharkey
December 14, 2006
'lits document hereby certes that
on the 15th day of December 2006:
Sincerely
Benjamin R. Raymond
Timor Pay Editor
The Behrend Beacon I
he the first one up and downstairs just ready to
shred the wrapping paper, eat some sticky Nuns
and all that other little kid stuff. Now it is more
like my parents have to poke me with a sharp stick
to get me out of bed until I roll downstairs. And
presents are a terrible idea now. I've pulled a com
plete 180 on my parents. When I was little I had
no problem coming up with a list of all the newest
toys I wanted. Now I don't ask for anything and
they hate it. I figure if you can't torment your par
ents at least a little hit, you're not doing your job
right. If I need anything now I just go out and get
it.
More than anything else I can't stand the mall. I
hate large groups of people hccausc I know that at
least half of them are stupid. Especially the peo
ple who haven't quite figured out how to walk. If
you see something shiny in a store, please, oh
please, don't stop dead in your tracks and stare. I
am tempted to open field tackle you like the "The
Puz."
Another fault of the Christmas shopper comes in
the food court. Your options are burger, pizza, or
Chinese food. No amount of time spent staring at
the menu will reveal some treasure you haven't
heard of. Just order your form pressed fat and
move 00
Beyond that, I like to have a little fun and just
mess with the other shoppers. I like going to Hot
Topic and staring kids down. If they reach for
something, I just shake my head at them. Another
fun activity is trying something on. There is no
limit as to how long you can wear something
around in the store. Find a coat, or anything real
ly, and just wear it around the store. All the
employees will watch you like a hawk. Then, just
hang it up and leave.
Alright, so maybe I am a little bitter and a little
hit cynical but I am ok with that. So bring on the
lumps of coal. That is some free fuel, my friends.
Have you seen the price of gas now If I were a
hobo I would he in heaven. (What? Hobo's don't
read blankets). Remember kids. just because it is
the season of giving, doesn't mean I have to give a.