6 I The Behrend Beacon
Face it: no beard, no significance
This morning, 1 looked at myself in the minor, about to embark on
being a historically significant American citizen, when 1 looked down
and saw a five-dollar bill. I
though to myself. "Man. did
Abraham Lincoln have a sweet
beard or what!
As I continued in my car
towards school. I turned on the
radio and listened to a string of
songs by The Doors. John
Lennon, The Grateful Dead, and
ZZ Top. I thought to myself
again, “Wow. I guess America
respects their facial hair."
After I got to class, the profes
sor began to talk about Sigmund
Freud and his psychology meth
ods. I didn't really think about ( ONTRIBi THI) PHOTO
this one. because 1 had yet to see a picture of Freud. All of a sudden
I remembered a scene from “Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure"
when Ted kept calling him Sigmund "Frood." No more than 15 sec-
The world around you
By Ben Raymond
humor editor
The television ads between
senatorial candidates Rick
Santorum and Bob Casey are
heating up. Santorum’s latest
ads accuse Casey of being a
“puppy killer.” In response,
Casey took the direct approach
and called Santorum's mother
morbidly obese.
In the New York Senate race,
Hillary Clinton was called 'ugly
- as a person’ by her opponent's
aide. Bill declined comment.
In the California gubernatorial
races, Arnold Schwarzenegger
has been ending his campaign
speeches with quotes from his
Terminator days, such as “I’ll be
back.” This was better than his
original idea to be more family
friendly, and use quotes like,
“It’s not a tumor.”
State tuition has gone up in
Michigan more than anywhere
else in the country. Somebody
has to pay the Tigers to throw
the World Series.
For Halloween this year,
Webmail2 will be dressing up as
something that actually works.
The highly anticipated new
album from the band The Killers
was released recently, and the
first video from the record was
directed by Tim Burton. Shame
Bv Chris Lafuria
news editor
on you, Tim.
The U.S. potal service is
releasing a new series of stamps,
depicting figures such as Ella
Fitzgerald and Spiderman.
Their next set will feature anoth
er unlikely duo: Ray Charles
and Daredevil. Get it? They’re
both blind.
A new study has found that
men who keep their cell phones
in their pants pockets have a
lower sperm count. I’ll believe
that when they prove Bigfoot is
real, and cigarettes cause cancer.
A church has now started
using the songs of U 2 for some
of its hymns. Nothing says wor
ship like, “Sunday, Bloody
Sunday” and “Discotheque.”
The television show Grey’s
Anatomy has been moved to the
same time slot as CSI, stealing
some of its ratings. Oh yea,
"Grey’s,” you better watch your
back. CSI knows how to make
evidence disappear.
The good news is Britney
Spears officially named her sec
ond child Jayden James. The
bad news is she needed spell
check to do it.
The location of Tom Kat’s
wedding was finally set for
Italy. If anyone at the airport
revokes their passports when
they get there, I will wire you
some money.
iuiyio:
ends after I reeallcd that seene. I remembered that Freud, or Frood.
indeed had a beard. "Now, this is getting a little out of control." 1
thought to myself.
I thought 1 was being haunted by this endless array ol seemingly
strategieally plaeed figures with outstanding facial hair, until I real
ized something. Could it be the fact that 1 was just having a random
coincidental occurrence, where I saw nothing but beards .’ Or was my
mind subliminally mocking me for not having the physical capabili
ties of growing a full beard? 1 think the right answer is that, in order
to be historically significant, you need to have a memorable beard.
Just Hip through the pages of a history, and you'll see the likes ol
Frederick Douglass. Karl Marx, Ulysses S. Grant, Robert E. Lee.
Zeus. Poseidon, Confucius, Ernest Hemingway, and many other char
acters in this haunting horror film about beards taking over the world.
I was so overwhelmed that I began to start cursing. "Jesus Christ!" I
exclaimed... only to be reminded that he also sported a voluptuous
mane of facial hair.
Here are some more people in history that really harried me.
Sixteen of the U.S. Presidents had some sort of facial hair, from
beards to moustaches to sideburns. Genghis Khan, relative to the
majority of the world, had some facial threads. Colonel Sanders,
chicken aficionado, sported the tight beards, and the pencil-thin
moustache. Rollie Fingers, major league pitcher for the Oakland
Athletics, tantalized people with his curly moustache that barely
Top five of the week
By Brad Kovalcik
staff writer
Halloween is a time to celebrate with your fellow
man. Time for trick-or-treating, telling scary sto
ries, or just out raising a little hell. Everyone wants
to have a successful gathering. But there are always
things that get in the way of a good time. This is
why I have come up with:
iween Party
5. Apparently your Mark Foley costume wasn’t as
big of a hit with the ladies as you thought it would
be.
4. Someone came dressed as Freddy Krueger after
the Queer Eye guys got to him. Talk about a night
mare on Elm Street.
3. It turns out the guy with the goalie mask and
machete wasn’t even invited.
2. The guy in the Darth Vader mask keeps asking if
you want to feel the force.
1. That cute chick you were hitting on isn’t dressed
as Uma Thurman; it was actually a dude dressed up
like Sebastian Bach.
Trick-or-shriek
I think that Halloween has to he the best holiday of
all. You ean dress like a complete idiot or street walk
er. scare the life out of someone, stuff your face with
candy, and the next day act like nothing happened.
There are so many wonderful traditions and customs
associated with Halloween that it’s hard to find one
not to love. As a kid, "trick-or-treating" was always
the best.
Everyone went through the years when their par
ents dressed them in costumes because they thought
they would be "cute." Like the year 1 had to be a
clown. 1 hate clowns and I’m pretty sure that when
you are five, being scared of yourself might have
some damaging effects. I can imagine my parents
saying, "Hey, let's doll our kid up and drag him
around in a little red wagon all night. That should be
fun." After years of humiliation, I finally got to pick
my own costume.
I don't even remember what it was now. I just
remember hating the other kids if they had a better
costume than me. I'd kick myself for not thinking of
it and then realize that I couldn’t do it next year
because it wouldn't be cool.
Then there were always the kids who didn't care
what they wore. Like the older kids who tossed on
their camo outfits and a rubber mask. That isn't a look
to use for getting candy; that's how you rob a bank.
Then there w'as the most important part, the candy.
Except candy corn. Candy com has to be the w orst
food ever associated with a holiday. Thanksgiving
gets turkey, Easter has little chocolate eggs, and
That Yt
Well:
I J
lb
looked genuine. The artist lormerly known as Cat Stevens still rocks
the Islamic beard. Albert Einstein, whose contributions to relativity
really make me wish 1 knew science, sported the broom-style mous
tache. Oh. and married Amish males, don't get me started.
Throughout this day of painful
realization that I will never be a
famous person due to my lack
of facial hair. I realized that
maybe, since 1 care so much
about facial hair that I dedicat-
CONTRUHTHD photo Wait a second. You bastardl
Thanks a lot, Santa. Right when I think my facial hair excursions
couldn't get any worse, I need to deal with you. The most notorious
beard of them all.
By Ben Raymond
humor editor
Pelican Briefs
One of the biggest problems
facing big-city mayors every
where is pigeons. From Paris to
New York to Seattle back
around to London, every city
must deal with the so-called
“winged rats” and the unholy
mess they create. Some cities in
the United States have trained
hawks to catch them, but animal
cruelty groups and concerned
parents have severely restricted
the use of this. Paris gave up,
washing the mayor’s hands of
the problem (if not his side
walks).
London was experimenting
with street-sweepers to clean up
after the birds and spikes on
potential roosts to deter the cre
ation of nests. These approach
es, however, merely angered the
Halloween has little pieces of multi-colored edible
plastic. It wasn't even supposed to be food originally.
They started as false teeth for dogs. They taste like
mashed peas wrapped in sugar.
When you found good candy there were several
types of houses to get it from. The best was the house
that sal out a bowl of candy and used the "honor sys
tem." To a kid. that's one-stop-shopping. By leaving
it out you are saying, "1 don't care, but I also don't
want to scrape eggs off of my front door the next
morning."
Then there were the houses that everyone hated.
Like the ones who gave out toys. They were never
good and usually broke before you could even get
them home. Then there were the ones who handed
out apples. Yea, thank you for the delicious treat, to
help you remember this for next year, the apple will
now he going through your living room window.
The days of all that fun are lond memories now.
Instead I have a few new ways to have fun for your
All Hallow's Eve. Just once I'd like to open my front
door wearing a Jason mask, and see a kid standing
there with a bag stuffed full of candy. I would just
stare him down, grab his bag, push him over, and slam
the door in his face.
The next best thing to do is dress up in a scary cos
tume and go to a party you weren’t invited to. See
how long it takes other people to figure out they don't
know you and watch their reactions. Just as a side
note, make sure to be aware of all exits.
If you are heading out this Halloween, make sure to
be safe and pick a great costume. Just remember,
dressing up as doctor doesn’t give you the right to
administer an exam.
m
Having roommate troubles? Ej
Let others laugh at your misery. &
Send your best roommate m
horror story to me.
Don't worry it will be anonymous. Gj
I swear!
Send it to me at: §
baraymondo3@yahoo.com &
I
By Kyle Zaffino
contributing writer
Friday, October 27, 2006
ed an entire newspaper article
to it, maybe I don't deserve to
be famous. Or maybe I should
keep trying to grow my beard
until I can achieve my 15 min-
utes of fame.
Well. I guess this Christmas,
all I have to do is ask Santa
Claus for a beard and an
accompanying
pigeons, so the city was forced
to try a new tack.
According to the UK Daily
Mail, on October 23, a pelican
scooped up a pigeon in its bill
and, after a short struggle, swal
lowed the vermin whole.
This is an interesting new take
on the problem. Pelicans on the
whole are generally indifferent,
at worst, towards people, prefer
ring to lope around the shore or
fly like a drunk aboard a hang
glider in search of fish. If we
can domesticate pelicans and
teach them all to eat pigeons, a
beautiful harmony may develop;
pelicans will never go hungry
again and our cities will no
longer suffer the visual blight of
pigeon droppings or the mainte
nance problems associated with
their nesting.
Now if only pelicans ate ciga
rette butts....
moustache