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Random rants and ramblings
By Liz Cybulski
contribulimi writer
Random and ridiculous things annoy me. I
thought I’d share them along with some other ran
dom thoughts I’ve had this past week.
Penn State students who wear Michigan, Pitt, or
Ohio State apparel on a Penn State campus. Is
Benedict Arnold your personal hero or some
thing?
Big Ten Referees-, they deserve to get that
spinach E.Coli that's going around.
Girls who let their OBVIOUSLY darker roots
grow out to kingdom come: dye your roots to
match the rest, or dye your hair to match your
roots, but either way. fix it. You are paying Penn
State tuition, you can afford a two dollar box of
Revlon hair dye to fix your hair.
Eyebrows are like shoes, two are better than
one. Ladies, they are supposed to be there, so
don’t shave them off and go to town with a fine
tipped sharpie.
To people who live in an apartment where there
is another apartment below you: unless you are
jumping up and down to "Zombie Nation” while
watching a Penn State football game, stop the high
stepping, Adolf. I'd like for my ceiling light to
stay a ceiling light.
When people drop their tray full of food at
either Dobbins or Bruno’s, doesn’t that little part
of you where a high-schooler remains inside just
want to go "Oooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh”
really loud, sometimes, just to see if someone else
would kick in too?
People who don't throw away their trash at
Bruno’s: You do realize you walk pass 4 trash
cans at EVERY exit in Brunos. Apparently, scor
Top five of t
By Brad Kovalcik
Mali writer
Being a resident of the University
Gate apartments. I have run into some
troubles while crossing the street to
get to campus. Myself and others like
me have had to suffer different indig
nities just trying to get to and from
class. This is all in the sake of not
becoming road pizza. It’s time that
you all knew what we had to go
through. That’s why I have come up
with the...
About Havii
Itreet From
Iross The
Iniversitv Gate Ai
When you're standing at the comer and waiting for the walk signal with six other people
around you, but no one says a word.
The disgusted faces the people in the cars make at you as you walk in front of them.
Rain.
Seeing people that you know drive happily by while you’re forced to use your feet.
When people walk up behind you and ask a question and you turn and answer, but they’re
actually on their cell phone.
l^Oc
ing high enough on the SATs to get into Penn State
was the easy part. Figuring out what to do with
your used subwrap paper and empty pop cup is a
whole different ballgame.
The more 1 listen to the songs “Sexy Back” and
“London Bridge,” the more 1 hate myself for lik
ing them a bit more each time. 1 don’t even know
what Fergie means when she says her “London
bridge wanna go down.”
Illinois is not pronounced llli-noise. That’s a
silent 's' there, my friends.
Lloyd Carr and Jim Tressel (The Ohio State and
Michigan football coaches, respecitvely) in gener
al make me angry. Carr looks like John Kerry
impersonating a basset hound and Tressel is just
well...words that aren’t fit to print.
Canadian bacon isn’t bacon, it is ham. Only
Canada would try to make ham fancy by giving it
a different name.
Some Molson bottles don’t have the twin labels.
Molson should put these on every beer they make,
for all of eternity.
Disney’s inability to let a movie end at just one
movie. They have to go off and create an infinite
amount of sequels to every one, like: The Lion
King 1 and 1/2, The Little Mermaid 2 and The
Land Before Time 287.
People who fall asleep in class? Okay, they
don’t really annoy me, but 1 sit there with bated
breath watching you, hoping above all hopes, that
you’ll have one of those sleep spasms that make
you look like an epileptic caught in a strobe light.
People who think high school was the greatest
time of their life. Yeah; the fact that I still lived
with my parents, couldn’t go to a bar, and had to
sit next to the same fools since the age of 5-Like
ohmigawd. LOVED IT.
e week...
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CONTRIBUTED PHOTO
Here's to you, Mr. Emo Kid
By Ben Raymond
humor editor
In honor of one of my favorite series of commer
cials. 1 have decided to follow up on the Real Men
of Genius series. Except this one would have
never made it. because the subject would, well
never qualify.
Today we salute you Mr. Emo Kid. You with
your hair so sharp it could cut itself. You dare to
be different. You dab on some eye liner and smear
it proudly. Don't worry, it really does make you
look extra sensitive. You can always cover them
up with your non-prescription black-rimmed
glasses. They'll help you when you are deep in
reading Catcher In the Rye.
But as an Emo Kid, you're ok with crying in
public. And why not? You, with your bandanna
tucked neatly in the back pocket of your way-too
So you think you're funny?
Or do you just have a
problem that you'd like to
complain about. Well,
prove it. I'm tired of put
ting my own stuff on the
page, and know you're
tired of reading it
Show me up and make me
laugh. I dare you.
So write something funny
and email it to:
A history of the Behrend Press
By Jerry Pohl
calendar page editor
For years the archives of the Behrend Student
Press slowly faded in a back room of the John M.
Lilley library. Now the archives are digitized and
the complete history is available to students. The
paper and former yearbook was founded in 1948 as
The Nittany Cub, and was presumably printed on
manual printing presses. Back then, layout night
involved taking individual letters out of a box and
placing them in a precise order on the press. The
copy editors had to read backwards to proofread.
They’d ink up the letters, attach the papyrus, and
pull the handle, pressing the parchment to the let
ters. Photos in the paper had to be individually
carved into plaster molds, and then those molds
were used to create lead blocks that would be inked
and pressed with the articles.
Back then, the paper competed with the campus
crier; the weekly herald of news through oration.
This stalwart rogue wore a tri-comer hat and rang a
bell as he walked the paths of the campus shouting
the news to all who were interested or to those try
ing to study because they had a test the next day and
just wanted five minutes of silence. He was one of
the Behrend Players, though his position was elim
inated when they changed their name to the
Matchbox Players in 1989.
The paper began its long run as The Behrend
Collegian in 1971. The name was changed due to a
perceived negative image associated with The Cub,
and changing the name was much simpler than
making actual substantive improvements. It was
during these years that the paper covered its most
newsworthy stories; the numerous moon landings
that no one watched, a spry young A 1 Gore invent
ing the Internet, and the never-ending on-campus
construction. From 1971 to 1998, The Behrend
Collegian has lengthened its name to The Penn
State Behrend Collegian, shortened it to The
Headlines from around the world
By Ben Raymond
humor editor
Mr. T is reviving his career with a new reality
show on TVLAND called I Pity The Fool. Critics
are applauding the show because they never knew
his career started.
Terrell Owens is returning to Philadelphia for
the Cowboys-Eagles game this weekend. To help
reduce tension in the situation, Donovan
Mcnabb’s mother will have a bowl of Campbell’s
Chunky Soup waiting for him.
Mongolian legislators are debating whether or
not to permit the sale of Ghenghis Khan brand
Vodka. The label features a likeness of the con
querer. The back features a contract to surrender
your land and your liver.
Nokia unveiled a smaller and more efficient
short range version of its Bluetooth technology.
Thus making it easier for people to ignore others
in public and be more obnoxious.
The third season of the hit television series
LOST began on Wednesday of this week. This
year, the plot thickens when the remaining mem
bers of Gilligan's Island show up.
In California, a babysitter picked up the wrong
child from school. It was die babysitters first day
and she said she didn’t know what the child
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tight pants. Yeah, the ones you had to buy on the
other side of the store.
You choose to avoid the sun. taking care to keep
that pale glow about yourself, so that when you’re
standing at a show, the stage lights pass right
through you.
You are a true individual. No one else can copy
your style. Maybe you paint three fingernails
instead of all of them. No, Mr. Emo Kid, you color
outside of the lines. Maybe that fake lip ring that
you made out of a stripped twist tie will make you
look tougher.
Don't forget to put on your favorite shirt of a
band you’ve never heard that you got at Hot Topic
that your mom gave you money for when she
dropped you off at the mall in the minivan.
Today we salute you Mr. Emo Kid, and remem
ber that happiness is just down the road, but never
across the street.
The Life of a Comic, as told by Herbert Filby
Collegian, and re-lengthened it to The Behrend
College Collegian just to mess with people. The
Collegian developed a reputation as "the newspaper
at Behrend." a reputation that would only be sur
passed by The Behrend Beacon, which earned a rep
utation as “that newspaper at Behrend."
The name was changed to The Beacon in 1998
because there was no news to write about, and a
name change article is great filler. During its eight
year run, The Beacon would begin printing in color,
would spend a semester sharing the stage with the
Behrend Underground Dispatch Post Observer
Times or BUDPOT, and would upgrade its software
from Page Maker to Quark. There would be two eras
of “The Humor Page" during The Beacon's, eight
years. The first, from spring 2002 to February
2003;,was controversial and often considered offen
sive, and was ultimately canceled. The second start
ed in spring 2005. It was even more offensive, but
so consistently poorly written, that no one would
ever read it. You’re not even reading it right now.
The paper’s name will undoubtedly be changed
again. The new name will usher in a bold new era of
business as usual. As has been the case since 1948,
articles will be late, if written at all, the paper will
be read rarely, if at all. and the small group of mis
fits and outcasts that publish the paper will find sol
ace in pizza, cold, stale pizza.
What does the future hold for the Behrend
Student Press? The throwing of chicken bones onto
a pentagram indicates that in 2011 the name will be
changed to Hey! Free Paper with the subhead 50%
more pictures. This will last until 2014 when print
media dies completely. The name will then be
changed to The Roboßehrend Spaceßlog that will
be a weekly podcast of video clips. In 2019 there
will be a mid 00s fad, and the printing will resume
for a few months under the title The Olden Tymes,
to capitalize on the trend. The paper will finally end
in 2023, when the campus closes due to witch trial
related arson.
looked like. The babysitter was Courtney Love.
A woman in Georgia spoke to her child’s school
board this week, in an attempt to ban the popular
Harry Potter book series. She claims that it
encourages the study of witchcraft. The school
board responded by turning her into a duck.
Audioslave guitarist Tom Morello was arrested
while participating in a protest for hotel worker
rights in California. Someone’s getting two mints
put on their pillow next time.
Fox News and South Park berth recently turned
10. Viewers still can’t decide which one, is more
credible.
eighties rocker Eddie Money performed at Erie’s
own Cellblock nightclub on Thursday. His next
stop on the tour... a retirement home.
This week, Shanna Moakler, who is Travis
Barker’s ex-wife, punched Paris Hilton in the jaw
at a Hollywood party. Witnesses said Hilton prob
ably had it coming to her.
The Dow lones closed die day on Wednesday at
a record high. So did half of Ohio Hall.
Congressman Mark Foley resigned freon Ins
position this Week, stemming from charges of sex
ually soliciting a 15-year-old male page. (I
thought it would be in bad taste to put this piece
on my the page, but then again that’s what Foley
did.)
Friday, October 6, 2006
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Mike Sharkey
May 6, 2006