6 I The Behrend Beacon
Professor fails billionaire
By Jordan Gilmore
copy editor
The world’s richest man has no worries about
w'riting complete sentences for a local professor.
Microsoft founder Bill Gates announced today that
Behrend professor Kim Young can’t make him
write complete sentences. "1 have never taken any
college courses, and I won’t be made to write sen
tences for a teacher that doesn’t teach me.” Gates
said.
The controversy started when Young failed Gates
after he did not turn in a complete sentence for an
assignment. “He didn't do the work, so 1 failed
him,” said Young.
Gates supporters are left to wonder how he could
receive such a low grade if he isn’t even enrolled at
Behrend. The answer may be a glitch in the
Microsoft program that Penn State uses to register
students for classes. A source in the Penn State
Headlines from around the world
By Ben Raymond
humor editor
- In Beijing, women are now to be recog
nized as descendents of the Chinese
Philosopher Confucius making them
equals. Confucius says: equal is great, but
Splenda is better.
- On Monday night, 70,000 fans returned
to the Superdome football stadium in New
Orleans. The event was kicked off by a
duet between Rock & Roll juggernauts
Green Day and U 2. Things were going
well until halfway through the second
song, when Bono left the stage to help a
starving child at the back of the nacho line.
Battle of the Bulge
By Chris Lafuria
news editor
"Is that a cell phone in your pocket, or are you
just happy to see me?" If you have heard this
phrase before, then you suffer from one of the most
widespread and reputation-diminishing fashion
faux pas that has been making people all over the
pation look artificially stacked and naturally pecu
liar.
, Cell phone pocket was first conceived when peo
ple realized that the fad of cell phone clips and
holders was becoming antiquated. Unbeknownst to
the public, the idea behind cell phone pocket
geemed beneficial in theory, but genuinely obnox
ious and repulsive in practice. Many times, con
versations would be ended because the receiving
party would notice an obvious and blatant bulge at
the base of the talker's pocket. Not knowing the
form or function behind the bulge, a quick turnoff
was highly inevitable.
; Even though it seems as if the mere presence of
cell phone pocket is enough to draw change in peo
ple, it does not stop there. Like the loud buzz from
p wrong answer during a lie-detector test, the vibra
tion that ensues when a call is received is a
reminder to the owner that they do not have their
phone in the right place. Furthermore, hearing
such insufferable songs as Justin Timberlake’s
I‘Sexy Back” and orJay-Z’s “Dirt Off Your
“ f“ “
Registrar's office who asked not to be identified
said that the program randomly inserts celebrity
names into class registers. “The program has never
worked properly,” said the source.
The embattled Microsoft head says he has other,
more important issues to deal with. “My cat threw
up on the new carpet. Shakespeare is confusing.
The Penn State game is on television. I haven't
received a paycheck in years. My puppy is staying
w ith me this w eek. And. on top of all that my heart
isn't what it used to be, healthwise,” Gates lament
ed.
Young will have none of it. “He's on the class
list. He didn't do the assignment. He has failed the
course, and. more importantly, he has failed him
self." she said.
Gates says that there is at least some good news.
“At least 1 don’t have to cross Jordan. Road.” he
points out. The Penn State Senate will meet to dis
cuss the matter on Wednesday.
- This week it was announce that car
maker Chrysler may look to China to
launch a series of new smaller cars. China
was second on Chrysler’s list, right behind
the clowns from Bamum and Bailey’s.
- News company CNN is featuring a spe
cial report on leaves changing across the
country. Viewers can expect a follow up
this winter on watching paint dry.
- This week, former President Clinton was
outraged during an interview. This came
after Fox News correspondant Chris
Wallace actually questioned Clinton about
something that had to do with his presi
dential administration.
Shoulder" resonating painfully from someone’s
pocket is enough to start throwing punches.
Another facet of cell phone pocket that should be
enough to convict the user of chromosome defi
ciencies is the struggle to get the cell phone out of
their pocket. While in public, it is less than decent
to publicly thrash about, trying to answer your
phone, as passers by witness what they think is a
meth addict play ing pocket pool.
One of the reasons for cell phone pocket may be
convenience. Business Economics major Andrew
Friedle says that the reason he puts his cell phone
in his pocket is "to always stay connected.” While
junior International Business major Stephen Oyler
puts his phone in his pocket for “easy access.”
Another explanation may be a lack of other
places to put their phone. But just like rat-tails,
oversized sunglasses, singleear piercings, and other
fashion trends that ephemerally maintain populari
ty. cell phone pocket needs to find an exit.
A majority of people are sitting here reading this
article and quickly realizing that they fall into this
unfortunate category. Flopefully within the dura
tion of reading this article, the guilty parties will
receive a call, from either their friends or, hopeful
ly, their conscience, telling them that it’s time to
empty their pockets. Logically, it seems as if cell
phone pocket creates a sense of convenience for the
user. Pragmatically, cell phone pocket makes every
conceivable scenario and encounter with others
indisputably awkward.
rmyiu:
Top 5 of the week...
By Brad Kovaicik
staff writer
This is for anyone who has ever suffered the embarassment of poor song
choice during a date. For all of you this is the...
Top 5. with.;
1. The Great Disappointment - A.F.I - bummer.
2.1 Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For -U2
3. Country music - Does this honestly need an explanation?
4.1 Touch Myself - The Divynls - The Divynals are awful... what?
5. Anything by Foreigner contributed photo
You know you’re a Behrend student when...
By Liz Cybulski
contributing writer
- You don’t circle around the parking lot when
you pass someone who just turned on their hack up
lights. You throw your car in reverse.
- You've driven into campus via the Station Road
light and have entered in the wrong direction, two
or more times.
- You call Police and Safety to ask if they can
help get your car out of the snow. They ask you it
you have a shovel.
- Bruno's chicken wrap days get more attendance
than L.E.B events.
- You thought homecoming involved a football
game... What does this look like? State College?
- Getting dressed up only applies to the phrase
"I’m getting dressed up to roam the Quad."
- The REDC isn’t just in a tale about Moses any
The Life of a Comic, os told by Herbert Filby
1! i]| 4
J jL — fej 11
http://HerbertFilby.
Good deeds don’t go unpunished
By Ben Raymond
humor editor
Everyone has a bad day now and then. It's just a
part of life. Bad things happen all the time. The
best advice is to try and find the humor in every sit-
When something bad happens, your friends may
say something like, “In ten years you’ll look back
on this and laugh." Odds are there’s someone
around that has had a worse day than you and they
don’t have to wait ten years.
The weather this week has gone from bad to mis
erable, and has a lot of people moping around with
scowls on their faces. In order to remedy that,
these are some personal experiences that hopefully
you can relate to, or just plain laugh at.
One important life lesson for everyone is that
karma is real. For some people, however, it is
reversed. For many people, doing good deeds is a
rewarding experience. For others, this could not be
further from the truth.
Three years ago, on Father’s Day, I wanted to do
something nice for my dad. Having j - "
finished up my first year here at Behrei
I had not seen him that much. He
just recently taken up the sport of gi
Generally, golf is referred to as a lifeti
sport. I didn’t think it meant that it w;
supposed to end lives.
Before our tee time, we decided
warm up a bit at the driving range. I to<
the tee box to the right of my dad. I
remember the transaction of evei
exactly, as if it were a Ben Stiller mo'
I put the first ball on the tee; head do'
knees bent, gave the driver a wag]
slowly drew the club back, and tl
whack, clink, thud!
Apparently I had overestimated
athletic ability. The ball had ricocheted off of the
barrier to my right, flown back over my shoulder
and hit my dad square in the forehead.
That was also the day I learned how to drive a
manual transmission car. It was on a direct route to
the emergency room where my dad received 11
stitches in his forehead. Needless to say, it took
three years for me to pick up a club again. Even
after that, it was only to play miniature golf, and I
encouraged the rest of the party to bring a helmet.
- Your future apartment's kitchen will be fur
nished by Dobbin's dishes and flatware.
- Our lion is better because he DOESN'T have a
- A "walk to the gorge" isn't just for exercise.
- People come from two areas: Erie or Pittsburgh.
- One name brings joy to the hearts of the apart
ment quad - TRITT.
- There's unspoken beef between the University
Gate Apartments and the on campus apartments.
- There's a pool in the Junker Center. But there's
also one beside the Admissions Office, but you
can't swim there.
- You live at Jimmy Z's the first and last week of
the semesters
- Buffalo Road's Sheet/ is the best thing to hap
pen to Behrend since it became a college.
- The most infamous person at Behrend is a girl
who starts running out of nowhere and then stops
abrubtlv.
So where exactly does karma fit into all this?
It all started this summer. 1 took a wonderful job
at the Millcreek Mall for the summer, since my
internship was not paid. One night after work, I
was traveling down Peach Street heading towards
3Sth street. There was a car sitting at a gas station
that was dosed for the night. There was a man on
his cell phone and a girl standing by the rear of the
1 turned around in the next lot and came back to
see what was going on. It was a father and daugh
ter that had been shopping at the mall, whom I
remembered from earlier in the day. They had
blown out one of their back tires.
They had a spare, but the tire jack was missing
from the car. I loaned them mine, made sure they
w'ere safe to get home and was on my way. I felt
pretty good about myself.
The next day, I went to work at my internship.
As 1 was leaving for the day I noticed that there was
nail sticking out of one of my tires. You guessed it,
it was the same location as the tire I had helped
change the night before. I changed the tire so my
car and 1 could hobble home.
.jwer and struck me in the
side of the head. I remember seeing a bright flash
of light and immediately thinking, so this is what
Dad must have felt.
It took karma a while to catch up me, but it made
its point. So I have resolved to keep my niceness to
a minimum. If doing nice things causes bad results,
shouldn’t bad deeds cause good things? Nope.
That just makes things even worse. I am not say
ing in any way that you should not do good deeds.
Just be prepared for the consequences if you do.
Friday, September 29, 2006
Mike Sharkey
April 28, 2006
When I got up for work
next morning I was
:ady in a great mood. I
ided out the door and it
a warm, sunny summer
nning. I had my windows
wn and my aviators on. It
such a nice day that
iple were out mowing
ir grass.
As luck would have it, I
tpened to drive past the
•d of a man mowing his
iss as he ran over a rock. I
'w this because the rock
ejected from the lawn