I The Behrend Beacon
Bryce's last gleaming
By Bryce Alexander Sayers
staff writer
hit,so I (a NI cdu
Editor's note: Atter it sear of
forcing Bryce to write articles tor
the humor page. he finally snapped.
I must take full responsibility tor
this. This article serves as both a
tool for examining one man's
descent into maddness, and as the
only record of Bryce . s final words.
My loyal readers, I have joked
many times about many things.
but it is very important that I
address a very serious matter. I
had a dream last night - technical
ly it was this morning because I
didn't go to sleep until around
four a.m. In this dream I was with
two friends, and I have no idea
who they were. They were appar
ently "dream friends - that my
subconscious invented for this
story. We were raiding some
body's mansion and were carry
ing medieval weaponry and pretty
much massacring some guy's
entire family. I knew we really
hated this man. I remember there
was this grandma who donned
full metal armor and challenged
us and one of us finished her off
with a single blow from a mace -
because everybody knows that
armor is no match for a good
mace.
There were sonic easier kills
and then we snuck into something
like the dining room where our
enemy, the man of the house, and
his wife, were seated. Upon see
ing our foe's wife I took inspira
tion from Aeris' death scene in
Final Fantasy VII: I snuck up
behind her and stabbed her
through the heart (with a realistic
broadsword though; none of this
oversized katana stuff). Her hus
band was so cocky that he was
completely apathetic to the death
of his wife. He smirked and chal
lenged us to a poker game. The
stakes were our lives. The three
of us played one hand against our
enemy. If he won we died, if we
won he died. I remember that our
hand had three kings in it, and
when we saw his, he didn't really
seem to have anything that could
•
(
Bryce Saers/THE BEHREND BEACON
After scribbling the end of the article, Bryce drew this and ran into the night. We hope for his safe return.
New religious group off to eXtreme start
By Eric Bell
contributing writer
ech I 65 edu
A new religious extremist group has recently
gained a strong foothold into the social scene here
on the Behrend campus. This group, known as
Behrend Individuals Toward Christian Heritage, or
8.1.T.0 or Behrend Chreritage for short, has
combined right wing religious ideals with left
wing extreme sports culture and then took those
wings, strapped them to their arms with duct tape
and jumped off of the top of an exploding shrapnel
factory, blindfolded. Behrend Chreritage is headed
by Behrend student and extreme sport enthusiast
Pastor Zachariah "The Spicy Enchilada"
McGrobbins, PSYCH 07, whose personal motto is
"The power of Christ compels you to kick it up a
notch."
Pastor McGrobbins transferred here at the
beginning of the spring semester. Upon arriving
here dressed in a straight jacket and riding a
motorcycle covered in live electric eels, he quick
ly took off with his unique and patent pending
style of religious devotion, and the Behrend com
munity responded with unprecedented vigor. By
the end of the first day of the organization's offi
cial start, a projected 76 percent of Behrend stu
dents were initiated. These figures are of course
disputed as the official initiation process involves
only making eye contact with a non-member to
have heat that. hut he laughed and
said he won. Then someone on
our side shot him with a pistol
they were hiding underneath the
table and he died.
In my dreams I have been a
psychic, a ghost. a reluctant
hunter of evil vampire hackers.
and falling, hut never before have
I been a mass-murderer. This
frightens me because if lin a
bloodthirsty monster then I can
not love, and my goal in life is to
make sweet love to Alyson
Hannigan. I've been trying to
keep this a secret, but I can no
longer contain it: I love the hot
redhead who played Willow on
Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I love
her bewitching eyes. I love her
hair. I love her lips especially
when they say such cute and
funny things.
I would totally become a les
bian if that's the only way Willow
could love me. but 1 don't think
I'd make an attractive woman. I
would sell a kidney to Hitler
knowing it would save his life if it
would bring us together. When
Megageddon erupts and the world
is a swirling inferno of hate, it
will he our love that quenches the
flames of war and strife. I will
create a television show that will
be so good, and it will have the
perfect part for her. It will he a
show where she plays an angel.
She will he the guardian of the
one man who can save earth from
Hell's army. That one man is not
I, for the character based on me is
a totally awesomenotic vampire
sidekick.
When I dedicated myself to
screenwriting, I told myself I was
going to succeed because I want
ed to get sexy with Lindsay
Lohan, but then she bleached her
hair, starved herself, and did coke.
I realize now that when I thought
I loved Lohan, I really loved
Alyson Hannigan. The eye of my
heart is legally blind; it can only
recognize colors and basic
shapes. By making this show, I
will have saved her from the
clutches of "How I Met Your
Mother" and thus the circle will
he complete.
Alyson is currently married to
it of this page iS foir
Any resemblance td
- r -
T
the guy who played Wesley in
Angel. hut that's okay because
Wesley became kind of cool at the
end of the series. I'm sure he's
understanding enough to let me
live in their basement next to the
furnace. Someday I'm going to
he just like Link from Matrix
Reloaded - dreadlocked and mak
ing my debut in a sequel everyone
hated.
The saddest thing on TV ever
was when Willow got messed up
by dark magic and turned on
everyone. I felt so relieved when
Xander restored her sanity at the
end of season six. Xander is short
for Alexander, and that's my mid
dle name. Xander and Willow
were soulmates, so what does that
tell you? If I get to pick my next
life, I want to be a fruitbat.
I used to think I wanted to go to
Japan, hut I've heard so many
scary stories about their movies
that I am truly frightened. Also, I
had a brief "Ghost in the Shell
phase" that didn't end well.
Nevertheless, I love video games
and a select few anime, like
HeUsing. If I could be any kind of
Dracula, I would be Hellsing's
Alucard. One of these days, I'm
going to complete the zombie
beam hidden inside the Fortress
of Pandemonium (working title).
Ever hear Temptation by the Tea
Party? I hope that when I finally
do have an acid-mushroom-
Nyquil trip. I'm listening to
Temptation. The song's too short
though. Next Monday I'm buy
ing Black and White 2. With
thaLgame :; will i*44l.st b e com e
- d. My fi r s T mind, sheril
be m a kiNng at
- resort to raging a
notary or erAte*d
itetiberb S y, nd w ls
w 3 once,
a4cAir- ( 44440tet e",7%6Az46T
bring them into the group. The number of active
members of this new group range somewhere in
the mid to low teens.
Advocates of this new religion have been trying
to get their members to become more active and to
understand that they are part of the organization.
In an attempt to do so, they have been performing
exorcisms while repelling down the exterior of the
so-called "Million Dollar Staircase," which has
been known to he haunted by the lost souls of
those who were forced to climb the 438 story mon
strosity when the elevator was undergoing repairs
in March. New initiate Roscoe Douglas ENGL 02
said, "It's pretty cool, I guess. I mean, if you're
into that sort of thing."
Members, and by now that's all of campus, who
wish to become more active in the group can meet
for the tri-weekly meetings, the next being held
this Tuesday at 3 p.m. Members will come togeth
er at the edge of Wintergreen Gorge and do a final
check of their gear. Once gear is checked, it is
removed for not being extreme enough. Members
will then plunge quickly down into the heart of the
Gorge as they have to race to the meeting location
at the bottom where Pastor McGrobbins is slowly
lowered into a pit of flaming scorpions with
knives. The first members to reach the pit must eat
all of the scorpions in order to save McGrobbins
and thus start the meeting. Cookies and punch are
served after every meeting and "The Spicy
Enchilada" hopes to see you there.
MINIM
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Four years worth of real
funny faculty quotables
"Rememorable."
"Half the books in the Behrend
library need to be burned!"
This isn't appropriate, but I'm
going to say it anyway."
"If you owe the bank one thou
sand dollars, it's your problem.
If you owe the bank ten billion
dollars, it's the bank's prob-
"Global thermonuclear war is a
suboptimal outcome.-
What do YOU get from
Columbia?"
You get the wrong idea fast
I've got to watch out with
wish I had my transparency
machine; someone's taken it,
so I don't."
"It was unanimous. Nine to
zero. You can't make it more
unanimous than that."
"Every time a Beatles record is
played, money goes to Michael
Jackson—who needs it."
"It's the old Marxian princi
ple—the means justify the
ends."
"Everything bad comes back
Including in Washington."
"And it was gross. It was awe-
some. - rubs hands>
"You know what I do on these
days? <mimes getting bottle
from desk>
"So I want you all to be really
bad this weekend to celebrate."
"I'm not a clinical psycholo
gist, people.-
"Since Justin's not taking
notes, he gets to be the mon
key."
"We'll learn more of the details
when you figure them out."
- Look at the White House,
here..." (The Capitol Building
was showing)
It all goes to charity! I'm not
going to take a cut—unless I
can get away with it."
`Why am I telling you this? I
don't know."
"Plagiarized it from the
Internet, that's all I did.'
Real judges—as opposed to
district justices."
`Men tend to like things that
go boom."
"Like most all human endeav
ors, freedom is overrated."
"One guy, who I won't name,
but his first name is 8en..."
"I know this is pretty boring.
But I also know it's important
I know that because I'm writ-
ing the test."
"Maybe it's spring, or maybe
it's the drugs."
The Life of a Comic, as told by Herbert Filby
Ugh! I'm 00.
thirsty!
Maybe if I
imagine a
Mmm.... - ' 4
Nimm??
http://HerbertFilby.com
By Chris Strayer
contributing writer
"Prejudism."
"Are there any questions that I
probably can't answer?"
"You are all being trained to
perform a service, and get paid
for it...if you get a job."
"Nobody ever says 'having
sex.' I find that odd."
"I'm a political theorist so
most of the real information is
in the digressions."
"I don't know what would be
the equivalent for your resi
dence halls. Playing loud
music at an inappropriate time
on a school night, or maybe
that's normal...l don't know.
Shooting someone, maybe."
"I knew a guy, I married him
later in life, but then I didn't..:'
"So cannibalism isn't bad if
you're in a cannibal
society...or if you're Roman
Catholic."
`Politics is about bunk."
"It's okay to use your brain
Don't be nervous."
"It's alright in my class to have
an independent thought—most
of the time.
"Air conditioning is crucial to
politics in this country.-
"Congressional offices always
have a lot of interns. They like
unpaid labor.-
"Never trust a politician named
`Buz.' They're all corrupt...in
my experience
"No one watches TV to be
educated. They want to watch
scantily clad women and men
carrying hammers and banging
on things."
"It was all lecture. He doesn't
get into Q and A like I do."
(discussing a videotaped class
taught by Newt Gingrich)
`...not that anything Iran does
makes any sense anyway..."
"In the eighteen hundreds, it
didn't matter...if Senator
Kennedy looked good on TV!"
"House Transport and
Infrastructure Committee is a
nice way of saying House Pork
Barrel Committee."
"So all you who are PoliSci
majors can grow up to be Vice
President and shoot a guy in
the face...and get away with
it."
"It's time to catch up, or you
may fall behind."
"Here's your chance to beat
"Don't be mean. Just let me
be mean."
"It's time to catch up, or you
may fall behind."
"Andrew Jackson, the slave
owning Indian-killer who's
portrayed on our ten-dollar bill
as a national hero."
"Just say yes."
*sPrr*l'
BLECHI
,YUCK!,
Friday, April 21, 2006
"Contriversity."
"...One a.m. in the evening."
"See, I already wrote the exam
I wasn't going to rewrite it.
I'll browbeat you into taking
"The outer membrane is
called—boing!—the outer
membrane!"
"Plants are multicellular organ
isms; they've got an infinite
number of cells, depending on
the plant. '
"A sophomore was in my
office yesterday—looking up
"hydrolyze" on dictionary.com;
I smacked him upside the
head."
"Don't ruin your life self
advised at Gannon."
"There's a blood drive this
Thursday, according to my
men's r00m..."
"It's my new toy. I like it."
"And you wonder why all biol
ogists have drinking prob
lems." (sympathizing about
unclear notation)
`You are not trying to target an
audience that speaks like
President Bush."
"Whoever finds the bill pays
"Notice. I said this before,
now it's in words."
"Some people see sex, they get
all clouded up and smiley."
"I wouldn't trade this for just
about anything...except three
hundred forty million dollars,
which I didn't win last week."
"Fall out of disfavor."
"They're involved in mating—
I don't know how, I forgot to
read that section."
"They dichotomized people
into these three things."
"See how it comes in from the
left? I'm proud of that." (talk
ing about Powerpoint)
"In this class you will hear a
lot about my wife...it's not
bad, depending on how you
look at it."
Professor—" Who can tell me
something we talked about last
class?"
Student—" Elephants."
Professor—" And your outrageous
ways to get them off."
"Fat Tuesday...isn't that a
Jewish holiday?"
"Do you need the Heineken
Remover?"
"That's pretty much self
explanatory in and of itself."
"The opportunity to communi
cate your message is only skin
deep."
"Here's your chance to beat
your boyfriend or girlfriend!"
r guess this rules
out the possibility
for an imaginary
Mike Sharkey
Awl., 13, 2006