I The Behrend Beacon
Underpaid teachers demand tips
By Mallory Blasic
copy editni
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In light of the recently released
Penn State Faculty Senate Report,
many Penn State Behtend profes-
sors ;..re seztrchin2 for new,
means of supplementing their
incomes, "Before they released
this report, none of us realized
that we were getting paid so mis
erably,- says Associate Professor
of Quantum Physics. Dr. Benton
Quest. He is also very grateful
that, despite his petty income, he
is still able to send his son Johnny
to college at no expense of his
own due to his being an employee
of the university.
Penn State Behrend professors held an all
night conference, where they brainstormed
ways to compensate their salary disparity.
There were a number of promising proposals
for means through which professors could,
collectively, raise more funding, including
professors hosting their own events, such as a
date auction, a kissing booth, a fashion show,
and opening a liquor store outside of Bruno's.
The professors, all of whom were very enthu
siastic about these possibilities, were discour
aged by the fact that all their students are such
hard workers that they may not be interested
in attending these events. Therefore, it was
decided that the most appropriate means of
soliciting the students would be doing so dur-
Open Letter to the Man
Who Almost Killed Me
By Jordan Gilmore
copy editor
Thank God that we have such generous people out
there. Recently, on my drive home after a long day in
class, I met one such person.
As I was sitting at a stop sign waiting for traffic to
clear in order to make my left turn home, he stealthily
approached the stop sign on the other side of the high
way onto which I was planning to turn. He slowly
inched towards the intersection trying to avoid detec
tion. When he finally came to halt, already part of the
way into the oncoming lane of traffic, he glanced over at
me. It was at this point that he realized he had been
caught; I knew that he had joined me in waiting for traf
fic to clear.
It was at this point that his bountiful generosity began
to shine through. He gave me, totally free of charge, the
grin of a cat who just ate the canary, and because he just
seemed to he compelled to give things away for free, a
slight head nod as if to say hello. Seeing as how he was
giving such pleasantries away as quickly as he could, he
may have even winked at me, but I couldn't 'see his eyes
through his mirrored shades. I'm inclined to give him
credit for the wink, though.
As for me, I was not in such a giving mood. It had
been a pretty long. food-free day for me, added to the
fact that I am but a poor college student, and I think
you'll agree with me that these are not conditions con
ducive to generosity. I did, however (and most gener
ously, if you ask me), spend a few microseconds to
process all this information and make a mental note that
this gentleman did, in fact, exist.
Finally, after what seemed like minutes, but was actu
ally only minutes, traffic cleared for me to make my
move. I thought for sure that I would not receive any
more gifts from this kindly fellow traveler. As it turns
out, he had more and bigger presents for me.
As I skillfully guided my car into the intersection and
turned my wheel to the left, he jumped on his gas pedal
like that was his job. According to the logo on the side
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ing class time. All professors concurred on
this point of argument and decided that the
best choice would he to ask for tips from their
students at the end of every class session.
"Now I can stop bribing my professors in
secret. This new tipping system will take
away all my worries about getting kicked out
of school," says 17th semester Psychology
student Tom Riddle.
Although the majority of students think this
is a fabulous idea, there are a few stragglers
who are opposed to the tipping method. Ferris
Bueler, a sixth semester DUS student said,
"This tipping system is going to cause com
plete and utter chaos. Professors cannot be
trusted to take tips from students without let
ting it affect grades." There has been recent
of his vehicle, (which I got a really good view of), it
wasn't. Apparently, he forgot that I had been waiting to
make this turn since before he could even see the inter
section. I probably had no business turning my small
fuel-efficient car in front of so large and gas-guzzling a
vehicle.
That's when I decided that he probably had expected
me to return the favor of his generous head gestures that
were so beautifully executed. It suddenly occurred to
me that he was probably a huge music fan, and so I
quickly started playing the only melody my car knows.
I didn't think that it was that great a gift because it was
only one note, and it sounded roughly like a duck being
castrated without anesthetic.
His delight with the new gift was quickly evidenced
as he gave me two gifts in quick succession.
The first was an exquisite demonstration of yelling,
which let me know that his disregard for my right-of
way was a gift more precious than a cheese danish. He
seemed to be explaining to the subtle ways in which fol
lowing normal traffic rules actually made me a danger
ous criminal. If he hadn't completely ignored my safe
ty, something awful might have happened. This was, of
course, welcome information for me because I don't
want to cause any accidents by stopping when I am sup
posed to stop or going when I am supposed to go.
The second gift was probably in response to the avian
nature of the tune I had played for him. In a most
extraordinary display of kindness and heartfelt grati
tude, he gave me a bird that I can only assume was
intended as a companion for my wounded duck.
Unfortunately, my duck friend prefers birds that chirp
much more cheerfully than the one he offered me.
Although I probably should have taken the time and
gone out of my way to thank this man properly, I decid
ed I really didn't need him trying to give me any more
gifts that I would be obliged to return in kind.
Therefore, if you are out there Mr. No-Regard-For-
Traffic-Laws, I thank you. From the bottom of my safe
driving heart, thank you. But if we should meet again
while you are in such a generous mood, please know
one thing: I prefer cheese danishes.
[ J.\/[ D_
- r -
r-
students, "I would rather have my students
hate me for who I am; I don't need their false
sympathies. - Professor Severus Snape has
commented that in order to compensate for
his low wages he plans to "kill Dumbledore."
Despite controversy and the possibility of
destroying the integrity the entire Penn State
system beyond the point of salvation, profes
sors at Penn State Behrend plan to implement
the new tipping system starting Fall 2006. All
the lower class students are packing up and
heading for community college next semester.
There is going to be a rapid drop in enroll
ment, but after the initial transition, Penn
State Behrend will have the highest gradua
tion rate within the Penn State system.
NEll=
protesting by a small uprising of
students who pay for their college
education by taking out student
loans. They believe that once this
tipping system is put into effect,
professors will begin to grade
their students based solely on tips,
rather than attendance or even
merit, which some very tradition
al professors have used up until
this semester. "They might as well
stop doing evaluations because
students' opinions will no longer
matter," said an anonymous stu
dent who doesn't want their name
or major to matter.
At least one professor has gone
on the record as being against the
notion of asking for tips from his
Take my civil liberties
Americans in America are fighting to defend
America and all Americans in America from
Un-American terrorists who would attack
America and American values. Since 9/11, it has
been obvious that we must restrict some civil
liberties to guarantee our safety. It's obvious
enough that we need to get rid of the restrictions
on search and seizure, cruel and unusual punish
ment, self incrimination, etc. Thankfully, our
leaders are already rolling back these roadblocks
to freedom faster than Wal-Mart rolls back
prices. It's high time we put some more civil lib
erties on the chopping block.
Let's start with the first amendment. Freedom
of speech is the first thing that has to go. Speech
that questions the administration, for example,
does nothing but give aid and comfort to the
enemy. To prevent another 9/11, our leaders
need to have unquestioned authority. The same
restrictions apply to freedom of the press. When
the liberal media engages in their Anti-American
hate speech, they hurt the people's support for
the administration and for our troops, and it dis
graces the memory of the lives lost on 9/11.
Freedom of religion is one of our most sacred
rights, but this is a time of war. The PC Police
don't want to admit it, but terrorists are not ran
dom people; they are religious extremists. If we
place restrictions on being religious, then it will
be far more difficult for extremists to hide in this
country while they plan attacks like those on
9/11.
Another part of the first amendment is the
right to peaceably assemble. I'd like to remind
readers that it only takes a few bad eggs to turn
a peaceful assembly into a riot. And terrorists
could use groups of protestors to find like-mind
ed people who just need a little encouragement
to become the instigators of the next 9/11.
These protests are the breeding grounds where
impressionable hippie children are recruited by
terrorists. Not all people are lured into the glam-
orous world of suicide bombing; it's the youth.
Their lack of life experience and rebellious
nature make them the perfect patsies. The terror
ists' most sinister plan yet would be to use
America's staggering youth voter turnout to get
liberals into office who will be soft on defense
and who won't have learned from the tragic
events of 9/11. This is why we must restrict the
26th amendment, the right to vote at the age of
18.
The only thing kids love more than voting is
guns. The second amendment, the right to bear
arms, is usually thought of as a way for
Americans to defend themselves. But it's also a
way for immigrant terrorists to arm themselves
to the teeth and attack us from within; not with
planes, as they did on 9/11, but with guns that we
would have sold to them. So guns can only be
permitted in the military, and the military police
in our cities once we get that program up and
running.
Just as men have an innate ability to use guns,
Milks Sharkey
March 30.2006
By Jerry Pohl
humor editor
Ihp I 53 (a) psu edu
Friday, April 7, 2006
they have an instinct for voting. It is more
important than ever to make sure that only the
most qualified citizens are choosing our leaders,
to protect us from terrorist attacks similar to
those on 9/11. There are some left wingers who
are programmed to see things the other way, but
just as women are less qualified to fight on the
front lines, they are not qualified to choose our
president in a time of war, a president who can
prevent another 9/11 from happening. This is
why we must temporarily repeal the 19th
amendment, women's suffrage, until the war on
terror is won and we don't have to worry about
attacks on American soil, like 9/11.
While we're talking about repealing things, I
want to talk about the 21st amedment, the repeal
of prohibition. While our enemy is sober and
primed to attack, as they did on 9/11, America
will have its guard down, in the bottom of a bot
tle, too drunk to see the invasion right under
their nose. We must remain vigilant to prevent
attacks like those on 9 / 1 1 until the threat has
passed. Which is why we must repeal the repeal
of prohibition, so that we can be sober enough to
stop terrorists from repeating 9/11.
It is important that we hunt down the terrorists
to give justice to the families of the victims of
9/11. Instituting a draft would be very controver
sial, even after America was attacked on 9/11.
But there's an alternative way of forcing people
to be soldiers and getting cheap labor to supply
our military as they fight the terrorists responsi
ble for 9/11. To honor the victims of 9/11, we
could temporarily repeal the 13th amendment
and temporarily reinstitute slavery in order to
fmd the evildoers responsible for 9/11. To quell
the controversy, this slavery would not be based
on race. So that we can maintain a strong econ
omy after the 9/11 attacks and through wartime,
we can take the lower income brackets and put
them into jobs that support our troops as they
hunt down the terrorists, thus preventing future
9/11s. We could build large-scale factories
where the workers can live on site; so when you
think about it, they would be getting paid in the
form of food and shelter anyway, and in the
valuable knowledge that they are helping to pre
vent more 9/11s.
To stop terrorists from planning another 9/11,
it is beneficial to us to repeal the 22nd amend
ment, which limits our president to only two
terms. Just as we cannot change horses in mid
stream, we cannot change leaders mid-war, lest
we experience another regrettable 9/11. If some
of these civil liberties had been restricted earlier,
we may have never known the horrors of 9/11.
By repealing the 22nd amendment, George W.
Bush could ably and safely lead us, as he did on
9/11, until the threat of terrorism is over and we
don't have to worry about 9 / 1 1-style attacks. To
prevent 9/11ish attacks, Bush could amass the
power to suspend the previously mentioned civil
liberties, as should have been done before 9/11,
until such time as we are safe from terror like on
9/11.
In conclusion I'd just like to say thank you,
and 9/11. And for those of you who are still not
convinced...gay marriage!