I The Behrend Beacon
It's all about the Benjamin Franklin
By Jerry Pohl
humor editor
i hp 153 psu edu
Everyone has heard the song lyric "it's all about the
Benjamins." Most people think this song is about
money, but it's actually a tribute to Benjamin
Franklin, who created gangsta rap in the eighteenth
century. His career began in Boston, where his broth
er James owned a recording studio. Young Ben
worked there polishing mixing boards. In 1723,
James found Ben was using the studio to experiment
with the sounds that would soon lead Ben to rap.
James fired Ben and swore he would never work in
Boston again. Ben ran away to Philadelphia and sup
ported himself by entering rhyming contests for
money. He soon became a successful hustler in this
scene and had the idea of setting the rhyming to
music. Philly society wasn't ready for this at the time,
and Ben was booed off the stage at all of these early
performances.
Discouraged, Ben left the colonies for London.
There he hit bottom, developing an expensive opium
habit, and provoking street fights with bums to make
money. It wasn't long before Ben was arrested for the
savage beating of a doctor in a back alley. In prison,
Ben converted to Deism and overcame his opium
addiction. With new resolve, he returned to
Philadelphia in 1726. Ben devoted all of his time to
his musical career. With new material inspired by the
reality of life on the street, he put his rhymes to music,
this time his audience heard his voice. He quickly
earned the nickname Ben Jammin' and found a pro-
Where my
knickers at?!
Website:of/the.Week
http://www.blackpeopleloveus.com/
Sex by chocolate
By Annie Sevin
editor in chief
ams 63! @ psu.edu
It's true, folks! Chocolate is
great for your sex life! That's
why tons of men give women
chocolate for Valentine's Day.
However, these men are inherent
ly stupid. They should just stick
to flowers and teddy bears and
keep the chocolate for them
selves. They should know that
women who receive chocolate as
a gift are not going to share and
most women don't get randy just
from chocolate.
However, chocolate can be
used for male sexual stimulation.
But it seems as though men have
Quote of the Week
"Oedipus found out his mom
was his mother."
ducer willing to take a chance on him. In 1729, he
released his first album, PA Gazizette, but the reviews
were all had, and the label dropped Ben. He struggled
for years. never giving up on his dreams. It was dur
ing this time he married his on-again-off-again girl
friend, Deborah.
In 1731 he started collaborating with other artists,
influencing their sound while they helped him climb
hack into the public eye. By 1732, he was rapping
under the name Po' Richard, with the hook that he was
too poor to afford the o-r. This time, audiences and
critics agreed and Ben began the most successful por
tion of his career, releasing an album every year for
more than two decades. A scant four years later, Ben's
son Francis was shot by rival rappers from Eastern
New Jersey. starting the infamous East
Coast/Delaware River rap war. Ben started perform
ing regularly with a group of young musicians called
the Union Fire Co. and toured with them in
Philadelphia and the surrounding area. In 1737 he
won the prestigious Postmaster award for his song,
"Zip Your Code."
In 1742, Ben went back to school at the University
of Pennsylvania, graduating in 1747 with a degree in
Electrical Engineering. After the murder of Ben's
father, he began traveling with a heavily armed posse
for protection. Calling themselves the Militia, they
were often considered overzealous for their treatment
of stage rushers at concerts. In 1751 he released his
first international album, "Experiments and
Observations on Electricity." Some of the politically
charged content of the album contributed to the
already growing rift between the colonies and Britain.
not figured out how to harness its
power. History tells us that only a
select few males have been smart
enough to figure out that Mother
Earth has Her own version of
Viagra. One of these historical
figures, Aztec Emperor,
Montezuma, used to drink large
quantities of chocolate before
entering his harem.
Not that many men today have
harems, even though some think
they do. Word is that some men
have a hard time pleasing just one
girl. And now that the life
expectancy of the average
American male is around 70
years, that means that mid-life
comes a lot later than it did in
Montezuma's time. This means
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TLJIVID:
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Indi
that men are having sex later and
later in life and they need to learn
how to adapt. Since God didn't
send any man packing equipment
warranties, some guys need a lit
tle help every now and then from
modern day science.
In today's economy it can be
hard to afford the everyday neces
sities of life, let alone things like
Viagra. So if the men around this
country are finding themselves
down and out, they should turn to
a more wallet-friendly substitute:
chocolate. And if Viagra was
smart, they'd start working on
chocolate coated pills. Wrapping
them in red bows and cutting
deals with florists wouldn't be a
bad money making scheme either.
-John Bigus
In June, 1752, Ben was flying a kite at a concert when
it was struck by lightning. This inspired the famous
dance, the Electric Slide. The stunt became Franklin's
trademark, and he made it the closer at every show.
In 1757 he embarked on a five year tour of the U.K.
He returned in 1762 to a much different world. In his
absence, imitators like Tom Paine and Ali Hamilton
had taken over the colonial rap scene. Ben left again
for Europe in 1764, this time touring France as well.
He returned to Pennsylvania in 1769 to receive the
lifetime achievement award from the American
Philosophical Society, the 18th century equivalent of
the Grammys. In 1774 Ben released his most contro
versial album to date, "The Hutchinson Letters." He
took a strong pro-federalist stance and also made the
mistake of saying he was "bigger than Jesus." The
public turned on him; he couldn't get his music played
on radio and couldn't get gigs in bars. He went back
to London for nearly a year, returning in 1775, when
he released what he intended to be his farewell album,
"Articles of Confederation." This quickly rose to the
top of the charts, and all unpleasantness from '74 was
soon forgotten.
In 1776 he collaborated with Thomas Jefferson, or
as he was known at the time, T. Jeffy, and other big
names of the day on the album, "Declaration of
Independence." The album is famous for the opening
line "When in the course of human events," but
Franklin actually wanted the opening line to be
you like freedom let me hear ya holla." After its
release, he left again for France to tour in support of
the album. His fast-paced lifestyle caused him to con
tract gout, but this didn't slow him down. He released
Musings from Alaska
In this particular article, I'll only divulge so much
about my personal escapades, as I fear all would go
rushing to Alaska after hearing of the incredible times to
be had there. But in this particular case, I'll tell you all
about the time with the ducks. For all of my life, I won
dered a simple question, "Where did the ducks go for the
winter?" And yes, of course, I'm quite aware that sci
ence says they fly south to warmer climates, but some
thing just wasn't feeling right. I decided to go find out
for myself what this phenomenon was all about.
The plan was simple. First, find a duck colony to
assimilate myself into, and then become one with the
flock. This wasn't going to be to hard, as there's an abun
dance of wildlife in Alaska, and growing up with this
wildlife prompted me to learn the local languages.
including bear, moose, caribou and most importantly
quackenese. You may be asking yourself, how did Colin
come to learn quackenese? But you have to understand,
in Alaska, quackenese was essential to becoming accept
ed into the coolest group at school, which was of course,
the ducks.
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13=2=1
Man, I swear, in Alaska, everyone wants to be a duck;
it's like the equivalent of your guy's "cool kids." And
naturally, to be a duck, you have to sound like a duck. I
remember back in high school, I eventually climbed the
social ladder high enough to be part of the ducks, and I
had one duck friend who really was a snob. His name
was Afflack, and man was he a jerk. I remember when I
asked him what the homework assignment was, and
that's not asking too much right? He would always reply,
real snooty like, "quack," like he was better than me or
something. It always used to tick me off, but now that I
think about it, he would always reply with a "quack," or
sometimes, when he was feeling friendly, a "honk," so I
guess that's just the way he was with everyone.
Tragically, I remember Afflack and I were walking
home from school, and he had just been named prom
royalty, when all of a sudden we heard this loud "boom."
Well I guess I heard it, because Afflack was dead. That's
the problem with being a duck in Alaska, people get
hungry, and when people get hungry, people do crazy
things, like get cravings for roast duck, and that was the
last I ever saw of old Afflack.
But I'm starting to get off topic, so let's get back to the
story. As I just went over, I had the essential skill of
being able to communicate with the ducks; I just had to
find a flock willing to accept me. And I'm not going to
lie, I found one rather easily. How I came to do this was
by constructing a duck costume using a little paper
mache, tape and some Alaskan ingenuity. Before long, I
was suited up and ready to join the group, and by gum,
I did. I joined a group that called itself the "flying V," and
it would be an understatement to say these ducks are
hardcore. These ducks would fly with only the most
extreme of the extreme, so I knew I wasn't going to be
able to mess around.
I practiced, and flew, and flew, and flew, but due to an
error in human design, I was incapable of flying. It
seemed so unfair; if someone puts their minds to doing
something, they should be able to anything right? But
for some reason I couldn't. I started to worry, because if
the ducks realized I wouldn't be able to fly with them, I
wouldn't be able to find out where they went, and that
would make all of this effort go to waste, and I wasn't
about to let that happen. So I closed my eyes, wished
By Colin Haughey
contributing writer
cwh 1490 psu.edu
Friday, February 17, 2006
Franklizzle blingin' and enjoying some phat
beats thanks to electricit , invented b his friend Tesla.
the popular "Treaty of Alliance LP," and followed it
with the "Treaty of Peace" in 1782. In 1784 he toured
all of Europe. That was his most creative period yet,
and he released many international albums in a short
time span, including the only rap music ever released
in Prussia. He returned to Philadelphia in 1785 and
began finding new musical talent for what he was
going to do next. In 1787, he founded his own record
company and named it the Pennsylvania Society for
Promoting the Abolition of Slavery. He would per
form and collaborate here and there for the next three
years, until he announced his retirement in 1790.
Today Ben is living happily with his second wife,
Porscha, and their two adopted children.
with ALL my might, and eventually, the great fairy from
the Aurora Borealis, named Foxxxy Starbright came to
grant me a single wish.
I forgot to tell you all that in Alaska, we don't have
what is generally accepted as a "religion," but more of
what you would call a "cult." In Alaska, we practice a
religion called "Worshiping Anything that Gives off
Heat," because in all honesty, it's F'n cold in Alaska, and
in our religion, the highest figure is the Great Lord
Foxxxy Starbright, and her immaculate son. Niloc
Yehguah. Anyways, when Lady Starbright came down
from the Aurora Borealis to grant a single wish, natural
ly, I was thrilled. I pondered for about two seconds over
what I wanted: x-ray vision, super strength to impress all
the honeyz, mad skillz, or even just a nice pair of socks
would be nice. Eventually, though, one over-powered
over all the rest, and that was, of course, the ability to fly.
So she granted me my wish, and I was overfilled with
joy. I was finally going to be able to fly with my new
found posse, the "flying V." I was just in time, as it was
only three days till the first snowfall (June 3 if you were
wondering), and I was getting rip-roaring ready to go.
And go we did. We flew for days, and for the first few
days it was glorious. We were free and full of spirit,
ready to fly to a land where all would be free, and prej
udice was no more, but as days went on. they turned into
weeks, which turned into months, and it got boring. I
started to think, "this being a duck business blows, - and
I decided to have a conference with the leaders of the
flock. We talked for hours, and for the first few hours it
was glorious. We were so free and full of spirit, ready to
talk until all of our issues were resolved, and we could
all hug one another over a nice soy-milk latte while
holding hands and skipping the whole way there. But as
the hours went on, they turned into days, which turned
into weeks, which turned into months, and I started to
think "this whole debating with the ducks blows," and I
decided that I just wasn't curious enough to find out
where they went, and I decided to go home.
The problem with going home was that I was both
physically and emotionally exhausted, and by the time I
got home, I was a smelly, gibbering, broken hearted, and
spirited mind you, carcass of what I used to be. It took
months of intensive therapy, counseling, and a little ten
der love and care to nurse me back to health. They asked
me questions, like what was I doing pretending I was a
duck? Did I really think that I could cut it in the cutting
edge world of quacks and honks? Did I really think I
was man enough to fly with the best of the best? But I
knew in my heart I was right, and that while it seemed
crazy, they could never understand the kind of heart and
soul that went into this endeavor, the kind of beauty that
you learn while living with these majestic creatures. I
guess the moral of the story is to always go after what
your curious about, unless it pertains to ducks, because
they WILL wear you out, break you, and dehumanize
you past all recognition, until you end up much like I
did. Man just wasn't designed to cut it in the world of
fast cars, loose women, and crazy lives of the ducks, and
the sooner we understand that, the better off we'll all be
for it.
Some ask, am I bitter about my experience with the
ducks? And I just smile and nod my head. Of course I'm
bitter, but it was a key experience in growing up in
Alaska, and these are the kinds of things you have to
learn how to do if your going to make it in the cutthroat
land of the North. I have many more experiences of
course, and maybe in due time, when I'm ready to let the
world know the truth, I'll tell you some more.