I The Behrend Beacon
I Just Died in Your Arms Tonight
By Bryce Alexander Sayers
stall writer
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Valentine's Day is here. It is the day that
we celebrate some priest getting his head
chopped off for the sake of love or something
like that. To commemorate this beautiful
nan-bank-holiday. I present a romantic story I
wrote to trump all other romantic stories. To
all romantics out there looking for the perfect
way to say "I love you, - if you can find a way
to put this story to music or something. do it.
because then you can sing this to your loved
one and they'll be like "holy crap! That's the
most romantic thing ever!" I call it:
The Spirit of Valentine's Day
Okay, so this one time there was this
midget-dude and a hot redheaded girl. They
went on a date at a park for Valentine's Day,
and there were birds and nice people and crap
and they were having a great time. He played
a song on his keytar (the ULTIMATE fusion
of guitar and keyboard). and it probably had
lyrics that were something like this story.
Before the song was even done, the red
headed chick was like - holy crap, that's the
most romantic thing ever! Make me your
spicy meatball." And they started getting sexy
and making out. Suddenly the sky got dark
and cloudy and ominous music started play
ing - something like Ganon's theme from
Zelda, and there was fog, and everybody was
like "Zoinks! it's the g-g-g-GHOSTS!"
But the midget keeped his cool, he was just
like "bring it." And that's when the ghosts
brought it. These weren't your ordinary
ghosts, mind you. They had sharp teeth and
funky hair and glowing yellow eyes - eyes as
yellow as the night! The midget said to the
hot redhead. "You ready?" and she was like
hap://www.lovecalculatorecom/
Abramoff mistakenly Funds REDC:
By Chris Hvizdak
staff writer
LCh I M . A , p,,u
Scandal shook Penn State Erie this past
Tuesday when Vice Chancellor Pro-Tempore
of Academic Finances Timothy Gork
announced that the REDC was, in fact, con
structed totally with funds supplied by the
now infamous Washington lobbyist Jack
Abramoff. In addition to pleading guilty to
three felony counts related to his fraudulent
representation of native Indian casinos, it was
disclosed that Abramoff also pled guilty to
using a portion of his ill-gotten Indian Casino
money to fund the construction of Behrend's
REDC building. Abramoff was apparently
under the impression that the REDC would in
fact be an Indian Casino and not an education
al facility, as the following excerpt from his
official deposition indicates:
"I was thinking, 'hey, why should I go to all
the trouble of playing Indian Casinos off one
another when I can just own one myself?'
How was I supposed to know that P-S-U was
a college? I thought they were some goofy
new tribe or something. Man, I could go for
some crank.-
As subsequent Jocuments revealed,
Abramoff believed that the acronym for Penn
State University, PSU, was the proper name of
a native-American tribe pronounced
"Peaessue." Abramoff apparently believed
that the 'Peaessue' tribe had yet to cash in on
its right to construct a casino and was there-
Quote of the Week
"You're allowed to be unreasonable. You're
a woman, it's one of the perks."
-Jerry Pohl
Website:of/the.Week
"totally. - and they did spins and turned into
their true forms. The midget had bat wings
and finger nails that grew to sharp points so
they are like claws, and his girlfriend was a
hot dominatrix with razor sharp throwing
cards. The midget flew over this one ghost's
head and drop-kicked him, then these other
two ghosts came out of the bushes and the
midget lectured them sternly. His power of
persuasion was so great that they gave up then
and there. Then the chick sliced this one
ghost's head off and it flew and hit this other
ghost in his ghost-crotch, and he imploded.
This went on for about an hour, then this
wall of fire surrounded the midget and he was
separated from his girlfriend, and they were
like "oh no!" The EVIL GHOST SUPER
MASTER appeared. He was like the minion
ghosts hut he had a thousand arms and he was
really enormous. The midget was all -what
ever," and he waited for the ghost to throw a
punch with a thousand fists before he ran up
his arms and stuck a fork in the dude's eye.
The master ghost then phased (because that's
what ghosts do), and his eye was healed, and
the dude was like "No way!" Then the girl
threw a card through the wall of fire, and it
was on fire (because it was a magical card), so
he picked it up and sliced all but two of the
master ghost's arms off. The girl took the
keytar and mades it go "waaahhrrrllll!" when
the arms got chopped off. The master ghost
was stunned, and the midget was like, "Now
poke your eyes out while you punch yourself
in the stomach," and he knew he was beat so
he did it and died from the dual impact.
They bury the master ghost and start get
ting sexy at the foot of his grave and every
thing is all right now - but the master ghost's
arm comes out of the grave and now it's a
zombie arm that's out for revenge because it
fore ripe for profiteering.
"They worshiped some stone lion and said
all kinda primitive gibberish about how much
their God loved them because he made the sky
blue and white. How was I supposed to know
they weren't red.. err ... Native Americans?"
said Abramoff.
Although saddened that the REDC had been
constructed with dirty money, top Behrend
officials initially thought they would come out
of the debacle with a free building and no
strings attached. Then Gork revealed that he
had sold the land on which the REDC sits to
Abramoff in exchange for a box of beads.
When questioned about the transaction, Gork
offered only the following in his defense:
"What? I work at a college. Mardis Gras is
coming up and chicks dig beads, if you catch
my drift." Gork then proceeded to repeatedly
nudge the person standing next to him.
As with all of Abramoff's property, the
REDC has been seized by Federal Authorities
pending further investigation. The justice
department has already penned an arrange
ment by which Behrend may recover posses
sion of the REDC that includes several minor
stipulations to attone for the building's illicit
origins.
According to the Justice Department, 30
percent of the square footage of the REDC
must be allocated to gambling interests for a
local Native American tribe. Both
Pennsylvania Governer Ed Rendell and Chair
of the Senate Indian Affairs Committee John
McCain feel this will be great for both Native
TLJIYJ D
- r -
E.
WINE
won't stay dead! It wants to kill the midget
and the redheaded chick but they're getting
sexy so it waits and watches them, and it's
like "that was hot," (in zombie-sign-lan
guage), and the midget's like, ''yeah it was.
wasn't it?" He pulls out a shotgun and shoots
the zombie hand. It falls down but then it
makes a gurgling sound and gets back up and
it's totally mad. So the midget is like, lit's
time for clone maneuver #4." And the chick
says "I guess it's the only way," so he presses
a secret button on the keytar and then there's
like eight clones of the midget that pop out
when he gets hit with this silver-colored beam
from the keytar.
All the miget clones stack up on top of one
another and the chick has a tear in her eye
because she knows it won't end well. but it's
the only way to defeat the zombie arm. She
kicks the clones with her foot to launch the
clones at the hand, and they all explode one
by-one when they collide with the zombie and
keep knocking him down. When it gets clown
to the original midget, the zombie isn't stay
ing final-dead. The midget is all like "I'll
love you forever," and she's like "I'll never
forget you." They kiss one last time before
she launches him at the zombie hand, and he
flies at it and does an uppercut right into its
zombie-hand-crotch before he explodes with
awesome fury. The zombie arm catches on
fire and flies up into the air and explodes like
a firework into a heart. The heart-shaped
explosion parts the evil-ghost-clouds and
peace is restored. The hot redheaded girl is
sad that her boyrfriend died, but she will
always remember his sacrifice and his love.
She picks up his keytar and plays the greatest
sad, yet triumphant, music ever. It is so good
that she gets a killer record deal and Celine
Dion cries.
Americans and Erie County, as college stu
dents are notorious for having large amounts
of disposable income. "The Behrend
Community needs slots," said Rendell.
In addition to gaming, the Justice
Department agreement requires that the space
below the central mezzinine of the REDC be
converted into a maximum security prison cell
for Abramoff confidant and former Majority
Leader of the House Tom Delay, who is likely
to be convicted on numerous charges ranging
from fraud to defenestration
Attorney General Alberto Gonzales indicat
ed that a special facility would be needed to
contain Delay's "unholy evil."
"We've tried a lot of different approaches to
containing Delay; cement, titanium, cubes of
frozen goats blood ... none of it has any effect.
We hope the arctic cold of Erie will have a
dampening effect on his powers." The con
tainment of Delay below the REDC will be
somewhat ironic considering the similarities
between the educational facility in which stu
dents will be hired out to private businesses in
exchange for internship experience and the
widely publicized labor camps on the U.S.
island of Saipan, of which Delay has been a
great advocate.
Behrend officials have, so far, accepted the
terms of the Justice Department agreement.
Gork is apparently pursuing a means of regis
tration by which PSU can officially become a
Native American tribe stating that "If it's good
enough for Abramoff, it's obviously good
enough for the United States Government."
ho count Hill , et it
Beacon Personals
By De'Adra Walker and Meghan Whitesel
ctintributini! writers
Thumhelina seek
ing Tom Thumb.
Hoping for a lao -
tale romance. Must
enjoy small spaces
and have large \ ieNA
of the world.
Will Shakespeare
searching to tame a
shrew. Should enjoy
theatre. the company
of other men and the
occasional suinmeis
day sonnet. Must he
able to handle pawn
al drama and he open
to the midsummer'
night dream
H.P. seekinii v itch
Young v,itard look
in2 for youthful lad\
of magic to enjoy
quiet e\ enings in
front of the cauldron.
Quidclitch and
Wizards Chess pla
ers are a must.
In case of snow
l hnnia, 11„rl n,en
Friday, February 10, 2006
cdu Inc \‘ 2400 I) , ,ti edit
P.G. looking for
Bond-like man to
enjoy dry martinis,
BMW's and saving
the world. Must own
Q-Jet and zin Aston
Martin. Being a Sean
Connery look alike is
preferred.
L.A. major seeking
ent!ineer to have
ineaninLlfur Conver-
cations and to enjoy
strolls around the
lake. Should enjoy
late-night cooking. a
lack or personal
space. Must look
good in a tux. White
wedding preferred.
1 3 5
White male seek
ing white female to
enjoy 80's cover band
concerts with. Must
enjoy living on a
prayer and shaking it
all night long.
Sharing hair care
products and leather
pants a plus.
Lonely on the
weekends looking for
part time friend.
Friend only needed in
the event that no one
else pays any atten
tion. Four hour shift
rotations available.
Romeo seeking
Juliet. Single male
youth looking for
young lady to marry
in secret and feud
with in-laws. The
ability to read, per
form and understand
Shakespeare is a plus.
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